Psychologist explains why it's 'totally okay' not to feel festive this Christmas

It has been a long year full of highs and lows, and now Christmas is (very nearly) finally here.

While that might bring joy to many, with people across the nation looking forward to seeing loved ones and tucking into a roast dinner and all the trimmings, for others it still might not feel quite so harmonious. This might be due to personal or financial reasons, or because of troubling events happening across the globe.

And more simply, you just might not be feeling it – but "that’s totally okay," says Dr Marianne Trent, clinical psychologist and author of The Grief Collective, who explains why we could be hit by the festive blues and how to find self-acceptance in that.

Why don't I feel festive this Christmas?

There are a variety of reasons why you might not be feeling as festive as you'd like. "It could be that you’ve experienced grief, sadness or trauma during these last 12 months and so things just aren’t coming as easy as they have done before," says Trent.

"It might be that you're already struggling with your mental health and so being around vast quantities of food, people and the prospect of merriment all feels a bit triggering."

"It might even be that the people you're spending time with stress you out or make you feel that you’re not enough. Whatever you're going through it’s important not to invalidate yourself and in doing so, stay kind to yourself."

And a lot has certainly happened (or is happening) for us to take in."The pandemic was swiftly followed by a cost-of-living crisis meaning that even our home comforts may feel less gratifying than usual with a chillier home, guilt about putting the heating or Christmas lights on and less money to spend on the things important to us. All of these factors can take their toll and mean it might feel hard to find your Christmas sparkle," Trent explains.

"You might also find that thoughts of the wars and conflicts around the globe currently impact upon you and your family too."

Plus, no matter what's going on in the world, technically speaking it's not always possible to feel the way society tells us we should. "Christmas is just a social construction at the end of the day and our bodies and minds don’t always get the memo that we are 'supposed' to be cheery. Life doesn’t work like that and it’s okay to feel whatever you're feeling and it's not always necessary to put a positive slant on that."

Is it normal to feel Christmas guilt?

You might feel like indulging and celebrating just doesn't sit right with you.

"It's fair to say that no matter what we are going through it’s always possible to find someone who is suffering more than ourselves and this comparing and contrasting and any associated feelings of guilt can be common in humans," says Trent.

"It might be that the troubles of the world or those around you feel so deep that it feels hard to climb aboard the festive fun bus. This isn’t a case of penance, you don’t need to earn the right to have some peace, comfort and maybe even a sprinkling of joy. You don’t deserve to suffer, and it doesn’t say anything bad about you if you are capable of enjoying yourself whilst bad things have happened to people or causes important to you in the last 12 months."

That said, it's still good to recognise others being more in need.

"Staying kind to yourself and thinking about any actionable steps you can take to support practically, financially or even just emotionally by sending a bit of compassionate flow in the form of positive hopes and wishes to affected people can be a great way to stay mindful whilst also allowing yourself to partake in the festivities."

Can growing responsibilities affect festivity?

It's no secret that Christmas doesn't always hold the same magic for adults as it does for a five-year-old, but aside from the obvious, there's more reason for this than meets the eye.

"There will come a time for all of us who have had the privilege (or distress in some cases) of being raised by both of our parents where we look at them and realise that they are ageing. With this realisation often comes sadness and a realisation that the balance is shifting from them caring for us to us caring for them," Trent explains.

"Similarly, if we have children of our own it can feel like you’re now the proper grownup when you might prefer to still be hedonistically at the centre of things being organised around you rather than the creator of the festive fun!"

So, while those with little ones, a parent figure, or grandparents to think about are lucky in many ways, it can also be a reminder of growing responsibilities, which can feel particularly strained in the current climate. Trent also acknowledges that if you have lost someone you previously enjoyed Christmas times with, this might also understandably reduce your festive glow.

On top of this, Trent adds, "If you’re a parent, there can be a pressure to feel like we are giving our kids a 'Hollywood' style Christmas. Please know that a good enough experience where a child feels safe and loved is most definitely a win."

How can pressure to be merry affect mental health?

The Christmas period is typically full of fun events, more social gatherings and messages of happiness and love. While this can be great, it's also what others find challenging.

"Festive holidays don’t always boost our mental health in the ways we might imagine. For example, if people struggle with perfectionism, social anxiety or are still working through how to feel okay around bigger groups of people post social distancing guidelines, it can be problematic," Trent points out.

"The pressure to have an 'insta-perfect' Christmas day can also feel like a heavy load to carry for some too. It's also worth saying that for anyone with eating issues or body dysmorphia that Christmas can be a particularly triggering time."

While it might seem that everyone else is having a better time than you, remember everyone is going through something, big or small.

Watch: How can I improve my mental health?

What should I do if I don't feel festive?

Firstly, take a sigh of relief, there's nothing wrong with feeling a bit like Scrooge.

"If you don’t feel festive that’s totally okay. Half the world don't celebrate Christmas and you don't have to switch yourself into a cheerful mulled wine supping, mince pie eating headspace just because the calendar has flipped to December," Trent emphasises.

"Self-acceptance is key. You're lovely just as you are, and if you're not feeling it then you don’t have to festoon yourself with tinsel just because it's Christmas."

There are, however, things you can do that can help you find this acceptance, if you want to.

"It might be helpful to do a bit of journaling about the way you’d want to feel by 9pm Christmas day evening," suggests Trent. "What mood state would you hope to be in? What might you hope to feel pleased, proud or happy about? You can then work backwards to help you to get to where you want to be."

And is it okay not to join in with celebrations or could this lead to more loneliness? "You get to choose what makes you happy and this might be diving in head first to a big Christmas gathering or choosing to sit it out and spend time by yourself. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely," adds Trent.

"It can be wonderfully restorative to spend time alone, but this doesn’t mean we would be feeling lonely. However, if you are wanting to isolate yourself and you do feel lonely then this is more problematic."

How can I look after my wellbeing this festive period?

It's all about paying attention to what feels right for you.

"It’s important to think about what our safe and comfortable limits are for eating, drinking and being merry. Catching up on some sleep and thinking about setting some aspirations for where you might want to be and how you might want to be feeling by this time next year can be wonderfully therapeutic," Trent recommends.

She also points out that it could be helpful to start asking others for help rather than thinking you have to do everything yourself in the lead up to and on the big day.

"If you feel like you’re struggling there is never any shame in reaching out for support or talking to someone you trust who is able to listen non-judgmentally," says Trent.

This could be a friend, mental health professional or mental health helpline, if you're concerned about the intensity or content of your thoughts.

You can call Mind's infoline on 0300 123 3393 or email infoline@mind.org.uk, open 9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday (except for bank holidays). For support on these days, contact Samaritans on 116 123 any time, day or night. For urgent care call 999 or visit your nearest A&E.

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