How to avoid a family fall-out this Christmas, according to a psychotherapist

Family conflict at Christmas can be triggered by literally anything. Whether you're arguing about what to watch, the food to cook, or how much to spend, just remember it's all normal.

Sometimes petty disagreements might represent bigger unspoken problems, and sometimes you might actually just be annoyed that your uncle burnt the turkey. Or, a difference in opinion or way of life might result in a big clash at the dinner table, and personal circumstances might make the day harder for some family members to get through.

Here, family psychotherapist Fiona Yassin breaks down just why it's so easy to have a family fall-out in the festive period, as well as the simple things you can do to avoid one in 2023.

Why are festive family gatherings so stressful?

"Christmas often comes with incredibly high expectations, often from the unwritten rule-book within family systems about how and where Christmas should be celebrated," says Yassin, founder and clinical director of The Wave Clinic.

"It’s also a special time of year that many of us hold onto throughout life – we want everything to be idyllic for our loved ones and for ourselves. However, the pressure to ensure everyone is having a wonderful time can be very stressful."

While glimpses of Christmas may well be the most wonderful time of the year for some, the reality of everyday life still shines through for everyone.

"Add alcohol into the mix, or the unwanted opinions of others," says Yassin, "particularly those that question your parenting style, or invasive questions and the pressure to spend time with those you’d rather not, and you’ll likely end up with a boiling pot of stress factors waiting to bubble over."

On the flip side, there might be more behind a family member's perceived grumpiness or bad mood. "Grief at Christmas can also be a really hard time for many people, particularly those who are experiencing their first one without a loved one," the psychotherapist points out.

"It’s important to acknowledge that grief can often march through the door as anger, and having an empty space at the dinner table can be inflammatory and bring about big emotions. In a nonverbal way, Christmas marks the changing essence of life and our role within it, which can be magnified when multiple family systems come together. It can be really difficult to face our own ageing and transition."

With that in mind, Yassin shares the seven strategies to help you avoid family arguments this Christmas, whatever your relation to them. To start, you might want to take a deep breath...

1. Embrace the differences within your family

"Every person within a family is an individual with different likes, dislikes, needs and preferences. There may be children in the family with additional needs who find big gatherings overwhelming. For example, children on the autistic spectrum may find meet-ups more challenging, and young people with ADHD can find elements of Christmas over-stimulating and may struggle to find their place in a family gathering," says Yassin.

There is absolutely no shame in some family members having additional needs, so if someone else present passes any unwanted comments, know these are unsolicited. "Accept the kaleidoscope of individuals within your family and social network. Be ready to embrace difference and do not expect everyone to do the same thing at the same time."

2. Lower your expectations

Whether you're having a big or small Christmas, try to just go with the flow to avoid disappointment.

"Sometimes the reality of spending time with family doesn’t meet our expectations. Managing our expectations and recognising that there is no such thing as a perfect Christmas can help you to relieve pressure from yourself and others. Lowering our expectations often leaves us pleasantly surprised at how well things turn out," explains Yassin.

3. Don’t tell children things you don’t want them to repeat

"If you don’t like someone in your family network, and your child is aware of that, it would be wise not to give that person a demonstrative reception full of love and affection when you see them," says Yassin.

Yes, it's always important to be polite, but the psychotherapist points out, "Children understand when their parents are not being authentic and this could be unnerving and confusing for them to see. As parents, we shouldn’t expect children to hold onto our secrets. Don’t be surprised if they call your inauthenticity out and do not chastise a child for vocalising what you’ve told them."

And if it suits your situation to be overly friendly, she adds "If you don’t want your child to repeat something that you’ve said, don’t tell them."

4. Remove yourself from the situation

"Don’t be afraid to take yourself away from a situation you’re triggered by. It’s really important to get as much space for yourself as possible at this time of the year," says Yassin.

She recommends finding somewhere to escape to, whether it's a quiet corner, five minutes in the garden, a walk around the block or even the bathroom.

"Try a simple breathing exercise to help ground your thoughts – breathe in for four through your nose and out for six through your mouth for about a minute," she suggests. This could be enough to diffuse any growing tension.

5. Aim for acceptance

Expanding on the fact your family will likely be made up of different people, Yassin adds, "At Christmas time, many people come up against behaviours, opinions and attitudes they find difficult to accept.

"Breathe through these moments and allow others to have their say, just like you are entitled to yours. It can be really tricky, but try to create as little resistance as possible. Pushing back can cause people to shout louder and hold tighter onto the opinions you find difficult."

Obviously, healthy debate can be good and needed, but you know your family best.

6. Do what makes you feel happy

"If you feel that something is not in your best interest – at Christmas or any other time of the year – don’t do it," Yassin emphasises.

"Be honest with yourself – it’s okay to say 'this is not my place', 'this is not where I’m going to feel at my happiest' or 'I cannot be myself around this group of people'. It’s really important to have agency over your own holiday time – you do not have to comply with the 'rules'."

7. Debrief with a family member you trust

"At the end of the festivities, sit down with someone you’re really close to in your family network and debrief on the past couple of weeks. It’s good to check your experience and reality of an event against another person’s, particularly when alcohol’s involved and emotions are heightened..."

Hopefully, this will make your Christmas Day that bit more enjoyable. But remember, it's normal for it not to be 100% perfect.

• Read more: These are the worst festive faux pas when spending Christmas with your partner's family (Yahoo Life UK, 4-min read)

• Read more: How to cope with heartbreak at Christmas, according to psychotherapist (Yahoo Life UK, 9-min read)

• Read more: Cost of living 'likely to be main cause of Christmas arguments' (PA, 2-min read)

Watch: One in three households with children 'will struggle to afford Christmas'