Should you feel guilty about thinking about someone else during sex?

Marie-Claire Dorking
·Contributor
·5-min read
It's natural to think about someone else during sex. (Getty Images)
New research suggests 90% of us have thought about someone else during sex. (Getty Images)

Sometimes you can't stop your mind wandering while you're getting it on, but what if what, or should we say who, you're thinking about is someone other than your partner?

According to, somewhat uncomfortable, new findings, a whopping 90% of people have thought about someone else, while their other half is pulling out their best moves.

The research, conducted by extramarital dating site IllicitEncounters.com, revealed that 86% of men and an astonishing 97% of women admit to letting their imaginations wander to someone other than their partner while having sex.

​For men, celebrities dominate the fantasy world, with 19% admitting to thinking about famous faces. Ex-partners and coworkers also feature prominently, at 16% and 15% respectively.

​Women, however, are more likely to fantasise about exes (22%) and coworkers (19%), but the real surprise? Farmers make an unexpected appearance, ranking fourth among women’s most fantasised about figures.

When it comes to the settings for these imaginings, men think about steamy scenarios at work (25%), in a park (18%), or even on a plane (12%). Hotels also make an appearance, and some fantasise about romantic rendezvous in lifts and even police stations.

​For women, it’s all about sun-soaked beaches (23%), work-related trysts (19%), and hotel escapades (15%). Clearly, a fan of the outdoors when it comes to getting intimate, fields, parks and forests are also featured in the most popular fantasy locations.

​Perhaps somewhat surprisingly, the vast majority of people – 89% – don’t view thinking about someone else during sex as cheating, and only 11% see it as a form of infidelity.

New research found 90% of people are thinking about someone else during sex. (Getty Images)
Should we feel guilty about thinking about someone else during sex? (Getty Images)

Jessica Leoni, sex and relationships expert at IllicitEncounters.com says mentally cheating refers to developing emotional or romantic thoughts about someone outside of your committed relationship, without physically acting on them.

"This can include fantasising, sharing intimate thoughts or feelings, or having a deep emotional bond with someone other than your partner," she explains. "It’s about crossing emotional boundaries that can feel like a betrayal to your partner, even if there is no physical infidelity involved."

But is it okay to fantasise about someone else while sleeping with your partner?

The truth is, it’s completely fine (and normal!) to think about someone else, even when you’re sleeping with a partner.

"Mental fantasies are a natural part of human sexuality," Leoni explains. "While they might seem like a form of cheating to some, for most, they’re simply a way to explore desires and enhance sexual experiences."

Regarding guilt, Leoni says it depends on the context of the relationship and the emotional connection you share with your partner.

"If mentally cheating involves hiding feelings or interactions, it can feel like a betrayal, and guilt may be justified," she explains.

"But, if these thoughts are just fleeting and don’t impact the emotional commitment to your partner, there's no need to feel guilty. Everyone has private thoughts, but what matters is how they affect your actions and the relationship.

"​It's important to communicate with your partner and understand each other's boundaries and expectations," she adds.

In terms of the impact mentally cheating can have on a relationship, Leoni says there is a chance that mentally investing in someone else can potentially create a gap in your relationship.

"You might find your partner feels neglected or unimportant," she explains. "Plus, if a partner finds out about these thoughts, it could lead to feelings of betrayal, even if nothing physical happened, which may damage trust and communication."

However, if you’re clear on the fact you love your partner and want to be with them, it’s probably not helpful to overthink your sexual thoughts and fantasies.

For the most part, it’s probably nothing more than a vessel to help you get turned on. Besides, being in a loving relationship doesn't stop you from being attracted to others, it's whether you act on those thoughts that counts.

Is it normal to fantasise about someone else during sex? (Getty Images)
Experts say fantasising about someone else during sex is normal. (Getty Images)

Interestingly, Leoni says there are actually some potential benefits of getting it on emotionally with someone else.

"Realising that you're mentally cheating on your partner could have a positive impact too," she explains.

"You may well find that it helps you realise there are certain emotional needs that aren't being met within your relationship, and this in turn could lead to important discussions which could potentially resolve those issues."

Overall, however, it's worth remembering that as well as being perfectly normal, fantasies are not necessarily indicative of what you want in real life.

In fact, many people fantasise about people they’d never actually desire in the real world.

As long as you are able to distinguish the line between fantasy and reality, you are in the relationship you want and are enjoying a happy, healthy sex life, it's completely fine to fantasise about someone else while you're getting frisky.

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