Alan Partridge Blog: Driving

As a middle-aged man, one of the greatest pleasures in my life is driving. It helps that I’m absolutely superb behind the wheel, but even putting that fact aside (and it is a fact) I love the thrill of being out on the open road, weaving in and out of rush hour traffic, or just sitting in my drive with the engine on. And yes, I know the scientific establishment are always going on about a link between C02 emissions and global warming, but it wasn’t that long ago that they also used to go on about the world being flat. Get my point? Pinch of salt, people, pinch of salt.

As a car-o-phile or ‘auto-pleasurer’, I’m always glad not to live in London. Recently it seems that the capital has started putting cyclists first. Boy oh boy on a boy, that sticks in my craw. Just look at the place names. If London was meant to be ruled by bicycles rather than cars, Vauxhall would not be called Vauxhall. It would be called Raleigh or BMX. But it’s not, is it? It’s called Vauxhall. Promoting the bicycle is an affront to the likes of Henry Ford, Enzo Ferrari, Mr Subaru. We’re asking people to uninvent the wheel and pretend to be savages all over again. Soon they’ll put a charge on using a blender and my assistant will have to mush ingredients up in her mouth when she’s making a stuffing or a scotch egg. Horrible.

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That aside though, the other great boon of being a driver is access to some truly terrific forecourt nosh. Yes, I’m talking about garage food.  The centres of excellence in UK garage food shift year by year. Right now the guys at Esso are absolutely on top of their game. What I love about the Esso team is their refusal to pander to the current fad for fruit and veg. They quite literally say: "It’s my way or the highway." They don’t have it all their own way, though. I once bought a prawn sandwich from the excellent BP Wild Bean Café off the A143 in Beccles. I was heading to Bristol but enjoyed it so much that I turned round, went back and bought another four. It was world-class.