I was worried I'd be 'damaged goods' post-divorce
"Nobody is going to want you." That's the thought that troubled model Poppy Delevingne when she split from her husband James Cook.
Speaking on the Origins with Cush Jumbo podcast, Poppy said her marriage "probably should have ended earlier than it did" and that "one of the reasons why it didn’t is because of that stigma."
Ahh stigma. Official definition? "A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person."
The end of a marriage certainly throws up feelings of shame and embarrassment. When my marriage imploded after fifteen years, there were moments when I felt judged.
Most often it was at formal occasions where a plus one is de rigueur and I felt sad and a little pathetic when I turned up alone.
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In a society that prizes marriage as a social success, it can make you feel less than when you 'fail' to maintain it. As women we often blame ourselves.
We internalise the story that we must have been not kind enough, attractive enough, smart enough or giving enough to keep our partner happy.
To compound this feeling I only had to look at the comments under the newspaper pieces I wrote on my break up. Amongst the hundreds of supportive messages, there were always a few suggesting (in a not very polite way) that it was indeed my fault because I was too focused on myself, too focused on my kids, too focused on my career.
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Like Poppy, I was worried no man would want me after divorce. My husband had left me and so I assumed other men would think that he must have had his reasons and would thus avoid me like the plague.
I imagined them thinking, "Perhaps she leaves her toenail clippings by the bath," or takes four hours to get ready or buys half of Harrods on a weekly basis.
Then it's just a bit embarrassing that you had a big wedding and made a showy point of how in love you are and then wham, it's all over.
Did all those people think we were lying and fabricated the whole thing to get a Dualit toaster and a Kitchen Aid mixer. (Hmm, that's a point, do I need to return said items?).
This must have been worse for Poppy whose lavish nuptials involved two venues and Chanel couture.
Poppy seems to have made peace with it all. She's good friends with her ex and says, "There is a lot of love and respect there. It just no longer worked for us."
And that, I think is the answer. You need to control your internal and external narrative. If you feel shame and stigma around being divorced then you will project that, and in response, people will regard you as tainted by it in some way.
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If you are sanguine and present the end outcome positively then others will view the situation, and you, the same way.
I'll leave you with Poppy's words. "You have to have courage. You've got to love yourself, put yourself first, and you've got to be happy. We have one shot at life."
