’Till divorce do us part: How we fell out of love with marriage
Almost exactly four years ago, my fiancé walked out on me and I haven’t seen him since. To say this broken engagement rocked my world would minimise the destruction it caused not just to my daily life, but to my overall perspective on relationships. I’m someone who has wanted to be married since I was old enough to understand the concept — likely due to some combination of my parents’ wonderful partnership (a rare thing, I know) and the sense of loneliness that often comes with growing up mentally ill. When I got engaged at 30, I felt I was finally safe. I would no longer have to be alone because we had made a public commitment to each other. And people have an obligation to honour their commitments, right?
How naïve I was. In fact, marriage is increasingly seen as something to opt in and out of — whether you’re in one already or not. And these days, the choice for young people largely seems to be: opt out. The average age that adults are getting married in England and Wales has significantly increased since the 1970s, with marriage rates in general on the decline. The number of unmarried 25 to 35-year olds, for example, has more than doubled in the last 30 years, jumping from 2.7 million in 1991 to 5.8 million in 2023.
So, what’s going on? Are we over marriage? A recent Cosmopolitan UK survey suggests we might be, with 31% of single respondents saying that although they are looking for a partner, they’re not fussed about marriage, while 38% said they’re not interested in either a partner (right now, at least) nor marriage.
This isn’t surprising to me. In fact, one of my biggest takeaways from writing my new book, I Do (I Think): Conversations About Modern Marriage, was that millennial and Gen Z’s relationship toward marriage is different from any generations before. We’ve finally reached a period in society when getting married is no longer the first pivotal step in becoming an adult, and is instead an active choice that not everyone has to make to survive or thrive. And, as someone who still deeply values marriage — albeit in a more realistic and researched-based way than before — I find this shift incredibly exciting. Because suddenly being surrounded by spouses who want to be married instead of couples who feel they have to be married has the potential to transform how we all think and feel about the entire institution.
One big reason that younger generations seem to be less pro-marriage is the fear of divorce. Boomers have the highest divorce rate of any living generation and it’s had a knock-on effect on how their kids approach marriage, which is: cautiously and less often.
It’s probably not shocking that the marriages we grow up around greatly shape our opinions about marriage in general. For example, before my mother passed away in late September, my parents had the kind of marriage that made their friends jealous (at least according to one text my father received recently). They were not only best friends but true partners. Yet, for many people my age, their parents’ marriage was not something to aspire to. It was something to avoid at all costs. Many millennials grew up witnessing their parents duke it out either in the court system, at home, or both. It’s understandable that this type of environment would create an aversion to legally tying yourself to another person.
Of course this disinclination toward marriage isn’t only down to our parents’ influence (even if they do have a habit of screwing us up), but instead a combination of factors.
For starters, it’s less taboo to live with a partner these days, so there isn’t the same urgency to make things official just to be able to live together. Growing financial instability for many younger people has also caused this sense that you can’t be ‘ready’ for marriage until you hit a certain income or can afford a house (something tonnes of couples won’t ever be able to do in the current economy). To be fair, given the eye-watering cost of a wedding — and all the extras that come with it — this is a legitimate concern (though admittedly, a wedding isn’t a required part of getting married). On top of all that, the insidious and sexist history of marriage has also made it unappealing to many who would rather steer clear of the institution altogether now that they don’t have to participate.
But I’d argue that we don’t need to fear divorce the way our parents were raised to. Many boomers entered marriage believing divorce was not an option or, at least, not an option that didn’t come with seismic repercussions both socially and financially. While modern divorce is no walk in the park, it doesn’t bring the same stigma it once did (though it does still come with a hefty price tag). Plus, more modern marriages are dual income, which means many people don’t feel as trapped or shut out of the workforce. Although it is true that boomer divorce rates continue to rise (albeit some of these are second or even third marriages), overall divorce rates have been going down in the last few decades, indicating that it’s not as inevitable of an outcome as we were taught. Especially now we aren’t being rushed to the altar in our early 20s and can be increasingly thoughtful about our choice of spouse.
I don’t think marriage is the right choice for everyone. But I do believe that for some couples it can add a beautiful layer of trust, intimacy, and symbolism that’s difficult to ignore. My hope is that younger generations start to see and appreciate their newfound ability to create individualised modern marriages that work for them, rather than deprive themselves of the experience due to fear.
We can now have upfront conversations about our expectations when it comes to the division of domestic labour, child-care, and if we want to join finances (not that it always helps). We can also move away from ‘soulmate logic’, which implies that our spouse needs to be our everything, and instead consciously take time to cultivate our support systems outside of our marriage. And we can make certain that we have similar feelings around viewing divorce as an option and not a moral failing before signing any legal documents.
Marriage always requires a leap of faith. Just know that if you do decide to take that leap, you can land somewhere different from the previous generation.
Allison Raskin’s book, I Do (I Think): Conversations About Modern Marriage, is out now. Buy it here.
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