Therapists explain how the ‘let them’ theory can help you get over a breakup
So, you’re in a talking stage with someone you really, really like. You’ve been texting every day, sending each other memes across social media platforms, and spending quality time on the weekends… all signs that the relationship might move to the next level. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, their texts start getting more sporadic, and when you do hear from them, their tone feels dry and forced. The real giveaway? They aren’t making plans with you this weekend, nor are they interested in what you’ve got going on, either.
And just like that, confusion prompts your spiral. Are you being ghosted? Should you confront them about hurting you? Is closure the next step? There are plenty of proactive, mature (and *not* so mature) ways of handling this situation—but what if the best course of action here is to just… let it happen?
While accepting the rejection of another failed situationship isn’t what you want to hear, if you were to stumble upon the #LetThemTheory tag on TikTok (which has amassed millions of views since its origination in 2023), you might just find it to be your saving grace. Popularized by motivational speaker Mel Robbins, the 'let them' theory is as straightforward as it sounds. If someone wants to exit your life without warning, let them—better yet, hold the door open for them.
'This theory suggests that the way to manage your own stress, anxiety, and even mental health begins with letting go of what others do and ‘letting them’ be who they are, without you needing to change or control them,' says Amelia Kelley, PhD, a therapist and co-author of Surviving Suicidal Ideation: From Therapy to Spirituality and the Lived Experience.
Meet the experts: Amelia Kelley, PhD, is a therapist and co-author of Surviving Suicidal Ideation: From Therapy to Spirituality and the Lived Experience. Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, is a New York City-based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind.
By embracing the 'let them' theory, you’re essentially surrendering control of a situation and allowing the pieces to fall where they may, without pressuring yourself to make a relationship work—when it’s obvious the other person isn’t, won’t, or doesn’t want to. 'It can reduce the need to hyper-control people and situations you cannot control, while actually creating a greater sense of calm and agency over your own experience,' adds Kelley.
Still not convinced? Keep reading to learn more about the 'let them' theory and how the simple yet mighty life hack can help you navigate loss and rejection in relationships and beyond.
The ‘let them’ theory has its roots in the law of detachment.
If the 'let them' theory sounds familiar, it’s probably because of its origins in the law of detachment, or the spiritual practice of simply allowing things to happen the way they will—and accepting the outcome. The law of detachment is one of the 12 universal laws, meaning it has its origins in hermetic teachings, as well as other ancient faiths and practices. This rule says that separating yourself from your desires and emotions gives the universe the power to work its magic and bring forth things that actually benefit you.
The law of detachment falls in line with the 'let them' theory in dating, too. Rather than wasting precious energy and time wishing and wanting a certain outcome (or a certain someone who doesn’t want you back), you’re releasing your emotional dependency on others. Plus, this theory allows you to truly live in the moment—even if that moment, like all things, is fleeting. Employing this practice in the early stages of dating is especially fruitful, says Kelley. 'Too many people get overly concerned about where the relationship is going that it causes anxiety and actually makes it more difficult to be themselves or to truly connect,' she says.
In the same vein, the 'let them' theory absolves you from feeling complete responsibility—and pressure—for how things will play out (because, let’s face it, how much of a situation can you really control, anyway?). It can also help you practice acceptance in the event that an outcome doesn’t meet your hopes or expectations. 'The law of detachment believes [that in order to achieve] emotional freedom, one must let go of the need to control outcomes and others' behaviours,' says Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, a New York City-based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind.
What’s more, Hafeez says that practicing the 'let them' theory encourages you to allow others to make their own choices without your interference. 'Both [the ‘let them’ theory and the law of detachment] advocate for stepping back and accepting that you cannot control everything, particularly other people's decisions,' she adds. 'It emphasises focusing on one's own actions rather than trying to dictate or change how others act.'
Following this theory can help your self-esteem (and radical self-acceptance).
First of all, don’t confuse the 'let them' theory with having zero expectations in dating; having standards, and expectations for how you’d like to be treated, is always healthy. Rather than just accepting maltreatment, the theory is about surrendering control over a specific outcome, which frees you from feeling at fault when things don’t pan out the way you’d hoped—or wondering what you could’ve done differently.
In this way, the 'let them' theory can also lead to radical self-acceptance, too. When you’re able to accept that you don’t have control over other people’s choices, you’re not blaming yourself or zooming into your own flaws and mistakes, says Hafeez.
After all, at its core, the 'let them' theory is about accepting that people’s actions reflect on them, not you. Fixating over that person who made a snippy comment in line at your favourite shop? They were probably just having a bad day. Bummed that your three-week situationship is suddenly ghosting you? It’s not because you somehow scared them off. (Doesn’t that feel liberating to say out loud?)
Plus, if you’re busy ruminating over what went wrong in a relationship post-breakup, there’s more of a chance you’ll miss out on an opportunity to receive the attention and care that you want from someone who’s willing to give it to you. 'The ‘let them theory’ helps by encouraging you to accept the past and focus on moving forward,' says Hafeez. In turn, you’re placing your attention to what’s in your control: your own actions, how you respond to rejection, and even how you see yourself.
Putting this theory into practice can help you *actually* get what you want.
You can’t have the light without the dark, and you can’t talk about the law of detachment without discussing the law of attachment, which is an extension of manifestation. When you follow the 'let them' theory and let go of any expectations, you’re ridding yourself of the anxiety associated with obsessing over getting the outcome you want. What you’re doing instead is manifesting the relationship that’s much more deserving of your energy.
That’s because, while you were fixated on whether the person you’re talking to is going to be 'the one' or give you a relationship, you might not have been putting as much stock into whether they’re even able to give you the relationship you want, says Hafeez. And by 'letting them' leave, you’re clearing the way for someone who can.
'When you realise that [a relationship] may just not have been the right fit, it makes it less about something being personally wrong and allows you to spend more energy on finding what you do want,' Hafeez says. 'By embracing acceptance and letting go of what you cannot change, you can more effectively process your emotions toward a relationship ending.'
That goes for a talking stage slowly burning out, or a breakup with a long-term partner. Simply letting the cards fall where they may is a major breakthrough of not only accepting a rejection or loss, but also moving on, according to Hafeez. 'Overthinking the end of a relationship starts holding a person back once it prevents you from pursuing new possibilities,' says Hafeez. 'This theory can shift your mindset from dwelling on past failures to recognising personal growth opportunities.' In other words, you’re redirecting your attention to what it is you’re looking to attract—then observing if the situation is aligning with your needs and goals.
Over time, putting this theory into practice 'helps you feel more in control of your choices as you feel the positive shift in letting go and not taking things personally,' says Kelley. This might sound easier said than done, so don’t kick yourself if you’re struggling with fixating on the situation or have an insatiable urge to reach out and ask where things went wrong. It makes sense that letting someone slip away could feel like a mistake if you once felt good around them—and you might have to force yourself to go no-contact in order to put this theory into practice, says Kelley.
Spending more time moving your body can also force you to stay grounded and focused on the present. 'Engage in physical activity that helps release tension and stress in the body and releases feel-good hormones,' suggests Kelley. And finally, seeking support from loved ones—especially those who have gone through similar breakups—can also help curb the urge to reach back out, she adds.
Your relationship might’ve come to an end, but you won’t find closure by overanalysing what you could’ve done to stop it. Rather, the real closure is accepting that things probably would’ve ended anyway—and the only thing you can control is how you choose to move on.
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