I was a stay-at-home dad like Joe Swash – here's what it's really like
"I never saw myself as a parent," says James Page, a 48-year-old part-time technician from Cambridgeshire. "It was something that I just didn’t think I’d ever, you know, be. But when my now-wife came along with her two-year-old daughter Marni, it was like this whole new part of my brain had unlocked. We had such great fun together that it suddenly seemed like a natural thing to do."
About 10 years later, James and his partner Tamsin decided to have a child together, and welcomed Florence in 2011. It was at this stage that the couple sat down to figure out the logistics and costs of having two children.
"My wife had just finished her PGCE and secured a job teaching English at a nearby school. I was working as a web developer and making decent money, but when we looked at the finances she was earning slightly more than me.
"It was then that she suggested I go down to part-time hours to stay at home and look after our daughter. We didn’t want to farm our children off and it meant we could save a lot of money, so we gave it a go when she finished her maternity leave," he explains.
"She was also in a profession that she really loved and that had a defined career path. She’s now the deputy vice principal and I think in some ways, me taking on the role of primary caregiver allowed her the room to pursue that path."
The pair then welcomed their son, Marlow, three years later.
James isn't alone in this. In 2022, the number of stay-at-home dads in the UK had increased by a third since before the pandemic in 2019. So-called "house husbands" are still very much the minority, though, with 1.2 million mothers out of the workforce during this same period due to family reasons – but things are starting to shift as more and more women decide to return to work after giving birth.
As well as doing the school runs and looking after the two young children during the week, James also took on the responsibility of keeping the house up together. "It’s not a day off – you are still working," he says. "You know, you’ve got to make sure the house is running, make sure the children are fed when they get home, the bills are paid…"
"I always wanted to make sure that everything was nice for when my wife got home, to take the load off her. She’d been at work all day in quite a taxing role, and I didn’t want her to feel the burden of having to cook meals or even decide what’s for dinner when she got in," he adds.
"I was a terrible cook to begin with. I cooked the blandest, most horrible meals for the first few months – possibly even years. It was quite a shift as I was never that domesticated before. But I taught myself interesting recipes and how to cook – I wanted to improve."
When it came to their relationship dynamics and breaking away from traditional gender stereotypes, James says that it never really crossed his mind to feel anything but positive emotions about his wife’s proposal, and that the decision actually made their relationship stronger.
"My immediate response was: ‘what an incredible opportunity’. I had the chance to watch our kids grow and to me it was the biggest compliment – that she trusted me and thought I was competent enough to take on such a responsibility.
"She’s just incredible. She’ll get home from a really long day at school and, like a switch, she’ll find this energy for our kids. She’s a great mother and it’s amazing to see her make that effort, even if she’s had a hard day. I think we’ve grown closer as a result."
For James, the period where he was at home with his kids was the "best time of my life."
"We’ve got these family photos that pop up on the TV and we’ve just got so many of the kids in those early years. Every single picture captures a wonderful memory of all the things we did. Even the mundane things – like going food shopping at the supermarket or visiting the park – were full of joy. Every day, whatever we did, it was an adventure," he says.
"I have this really clear memory of going to the shops with our eldest daughter. In the winter her gloves would stay on for all of five minutes before she pulled them off, so I started putting on long socks instead, as she couldn’t take them off so easily.
"We got home and it was one of the first times she spontaneously started helping out. I was carrying the bags of shopping up the hallway into the kitchen, and when I turned around, I saw she was walking behind me with this huge nine-pack of toilet rolls, clutching it to her chest. It was just the cutest thing I had ever seen."
James also recalls joining school trips with his son. "We visited a local fire station and afterwards, when we dropped the kids back at nursery, one of his classmates – a little girl – had drawn a picture of me. Not only did I get to spend time with my child, it felt like I was making an impact on the others, too."
When their children were old enough to not need round-the-clock care, James considered his future career. He had occasionally toyed with the idea of childminding in the past because he’d loved raising his own kids so much, but didn’t think anyone would want a man looking after their kids.
"I put the idea to the back of my mind, but then years later decided to take the plunge. It’s challenging and exhausting, but I love doing it and people will always need before and after school care. It feels like a natural extension for me and makes complete sense. I also work as a technician in a school, so I'm always around children now."
As for his bond with his children, James feels like having those early years together has helped. "Our eldest daughter is now in her twenties and has moved out, but she still talks to us all the time and I hope she found those early years of her childhood just as rewarding and special as I did.
"I am eternally grateful to my wife for letting me have that opportunity. I feel so lucky to have had the chance to be there for them growing up."
James' story was shared with Yahoo UK by tiney, a modern community of childminders.
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