I left my corporate career to host the UK’s most exclusive sex parties

Emma Hartman, 29, from London, hosts sex parties with a difference – they're held in luxury mansions, with beautiful cocktail bars, erotic shows and a live sketch artist. Here she explains how she's created her dream erotic scenario with the strictest door policy in town.

When people ask me what I do for a living, I have no qualms telling them that I left my old career in publishing to run a company offering parties for sex-positive people – those who, like me, acknowledge some sort of sexual freedom. We want to explore boundaries of what sex means to us with like-minded people and my parties are the perfect opportunity to do this.

Those who already know me aren’t surprised by my job. Although I’m in a long-term, committed and loving relationship (which I keep private), went to university and had a traditional, middle-class upbringing in a village just outside London, I’ve always been open about being sensually and sexually adventurous.

Reactions from others who don't know me so well tend to be a raised eyebrow or an "Oh, wow!" swiftly followed by curiosity about what a sex party entails.

The answer depends on which ones you go to and is the main reason my business partner Richard (who works in the luxury car industry) and I officially launched the Dominium Vita Members Club in January 2022.

Together, we organise high-end events and parties for sexually adventurous people. Like me, Richard has a long-term partner, both of them 'sex-positive'. After several years of going to parties operated by other companies, increasingly we’d leave an event discussing all the things we knew we could have done better had we organised it – the lighting, ambience, music and generally elevating the feel to one of an erotically luxurious gathering.

Creating an erotic atmosphere

But my primary complaint was feeling a bit preyed upon because the guest lists often had too many single men and couples, who tend to approach single female guests. I'd get to an event and feel a bit like I'd been thrown to the wolves as a woman on my own.

There were also parties where I didn’t feel the venue was right – the lighting was off kilter, the music not giving off an erotic vibe, and the general atmosphere not conducive to making people feel sexy or relaxed. A glass of Prosecco, a bowl of condoms and fairy lights strung around a room is never going to cut it on the high-end sex party scene.

Putting guests at ease

Many people are a bag of nerves when they arrive at an event where sex is very much on the agenda. They need to walk in and feel instantly put at ease by everything from the welcome to the setting, not unnerved by a sense of other guests being predatory. We offer a completely different experience, one which makes guests feel relaxed and sexy the moment they arrive.

The names of our venues are kept secret due to signing confidentiality agreements with the owners, but we use a selection of upmarket, luxury mansion houses, private members clubs and art galleries across London. I have a team of up to 15 people per event – including people whose day jobs are as film producers and event managers – and we spend weeks carefully designing each one.

Sketch artists but no photography

Step through the doors at one of our events and it’s like entering a beautiful cocktail bar which just happens to be erotic. There's champagne on arrival served by a male muse, a mixologist to create gorgeous cocktails throughout the evening, music that adds to the sensual ambience without being overbearing and play rooms to meet every need including dominatrix spaces.

We don’t allow photography or videos at our events but have a live sketch artist instead who will sketch intimate scenes throughout the evening, which guests can then take home with them. All sketches are faceless or anonymous unless the subjects specify otherwise.

Erotic cabaret acts

Occasionally we also have a sensual masseuse who will give stress-relieving massages in an erotic fashion but without crossing the boundary into sexual play. Of course, condoms are placed throughout our venues too.

We want the actual space to be an experience in itself. Our most recent event coincided with Halloween and included a three-piece erotic cabaret act on one floor of the venue. On another floor there was an incredible human chandelier art installation and there were immersive performances in every room.

Eroticism doesn’t mean simply taking your clothes off and having sex, a lot of it is about the suggestion and the anticipation. There's so much creativity that goes into it at this upper end of the market.

Lighting is a big part of that and can make or break the tone of a room so we always ensure that ours is incredible. But there's a fine line. If a play room or a dungeon is too well lit it ruins the atmosphere, but too dimly lit and it becomes a potential safety risk as guests need to see who and what's going on around them.

Keeping guests safe

Safeguarding is our priority and we have well-trained monitors at our events. Guests will barely notice them but they're the eyes and ears in every room, blending in but discreetly reminding people of the rules when needed.

Fortunately, there have only ever been small incidents such as noticing if someone is touched without their consent. This could be as small as an uninvited hand grazing the back of a stranger, or if someone leans over to have a conversation with another person who’s already engaged in sexual play. Monitors will remind them that although sex and human connection is on everyone's minds, our ethos is one of mutual respect and consent between guests.

Couples, throuples and singles

An average event has around 70 guests – all carefully vetted by us when they apply to pay to attend – so that it’s not overwhelming and still feels intimate. Twice a year, we host a bigger event with 200 guests, again carefully filtered at the application stage. There are smaller events too, including some for just 40 people in intimate, luxury spaces in London where guests come along for a cocktail and a chat and see where the evening takes them.

Our most intimate gatherings are dinners for 15 people at a stunning two-floor penthouse in central London, with erotic performers and a private chef who creates a four-course dinner. They are invite-only and appeal to those who relish extremely intimate hedonism.

Our motto is to be exclusive but inclusive, encouraging both couples, throuples and singles to attend, while ensuring our guest lists have an even balance of men and women. We also keep an eye on how many couples attend as they tend to be looking for singles who we don’t want to feel suddenly preyed upon by countless couples.

Vetting the party-goers

Most guests are in their late 20s to late 30s and include lawyers, doctors, bankers, film makers and vets. We have a strict application process – just to gain access for an event you have to be a member and answer questions which enable us to gauge a sense of who you are, what your likes and dislikes are in life and sexually, and if you want to attend an event just for the thrills or if it’s deep and meaningful for you.

If someone’s application is overly sexual, that’s a red flag for us and we’d decline their interest. Although we check people’s pictures and Instagram profiles to ensure they are who they claim to be, how someone looks is a secondary consideration for us.

Dealing with jealousy

Something that has to be a primary consideration for party-goers is jealousy. It’s a natural emotion that crops up in all relationships but especially if you begin to explore what monogamy looks like to you.

For a situation like a play party, it’s essential to set boundaries with your partner before you attend, talking about what you will and won’t be comfortable with. For example, does this mean flirting but no sexual contact? No playing or flirting separately without the other? Only playing with a specific gender? Or even not doing anything with anyone else?

There is a huge misconception that because you're attending a sex party you have to play with others or your partner is up for grabs. We see many couples who come along just to meet people, get a feel for the environment or just to play with each other in a public setting. The rules of your relationship and what happens during the event are completely in your control and absolutely no one else should be touching you without your express consent.

Overall, I would say lay out your boundaries beforehand, trust each other enough to say no if you need to – moments like this happen all the time at parties – and check in with each other throughout the event to make sure you're both still okay.

Becoming a Dominium Vita member is more than just getting laid and we choose members who understand that. Guests are simply sexually adventurous and confident, they don’t want conversations about their chosen lifestyle to be hushed up. There’s nothing seedy about our parties, I’m incredibly proud of what we’ve created. The only person I would keep schtum about my career to is my grandmother, who would probably have a heart attack!

Sex parties – your relationship survival guide, by a psychologist

Going to a sex party means navigating a complex mix of desire, boundaries and emotional resilience. Psychologist and relationship adviser Barbara Santini shares some key points for you and your partner to consider. "The most important elements are consent, communication and self-awareness," she says.

1. The reality may not match the fantasy

Bear in mind that the fantasy of seeing your partner kiss, touch or even have sex with someone else may be very different from the reality. "Witnessing a partner in an intimate act with someone else can trigger a spectrum of emotions, from jealousy and insecurity to arousal," explains Santini.

She says the key to avoiding emotional turmoil is communication. "I advise my clients to have a candid dialogue about every possible scenario that could unfold and to set explicit boundaries. Agreeing on a 'safe word' isn't just about physical boundaries; it's a lifeline to emotional safety as well. Remember, it's also a space to explore shared fantasies, not just individual desires, which requires ongoing dialogue before, during and after the event."

2. There's a risk of digital exposure

The risk of being recorded without consent is a stark reality, despite many events maintaining a strict 'no photography or filming' rule and martials being positioned around the room.

"When attending a sex party, the preparation is twofold: accepting the potential risk and taking measures to minimise it," explains Santini.

"Choose events that are vigilant about privacy and consider your own digital footprint. If the thought of potential exposure is intolerable, this may not be a suitable environment for you. For those who choose to proceed, it's about finding a balance between the pursuit of pleasure and accepting the inherent risks."

The Revenge Porn Helpline is able to assist adult victims of intimate image abuse. If the worst should happen, you could also contact Victim Support for further advice.

3. Protect yourself from STIs

Before engaging in any activity, Santini says it's both reasonable and responsible to ask about the last time your potential partners were tested. "Yes, oral sex can transmit STIs including chlamydia, gonorrhoea and syphilis, and no, you cannot guarantee that everyone is STI-free," says Santini. "It's not just about using protection – it's about normalising conversations around sexual health."

She stresses that regular STI screenings and open discussions are "part of a responsible sexual lifestyle."

4. Consider the influence of alcohol

Don't underestimate how alcohol could cloud your judgement. "It’s important to approach a sex party with a clear head," advises Santini. "Consider setting a personal limit or abstaining from alcohol altogether to ensure that every choice is intentional."

Santini also recommends reflecting on how alcohol impacts your decision-making then put a strategy in place to maintain control over your actions. "Having a trusted friend to help monitor your intake can be invaluable," she adds.

5. Set clear boundaries

Consent is key in any sexual encounter and at a sex party this principle is heightened. Despite strict ‘consent policies’, the open nature of these events can still make 'seeking consent' a slightly grey area.

"It's not uncommon for lines to blur in these charged environments," says Santini. "Establish your boundaries clearly and do not hesitate to reiterate them."

If someone violates your consent, Santini says it is imperative to speak up immediately and seek assistance."I empower my clients to practise assertiveness. It's not just about saying 'no', it's about owning your 'yes' and 'no' with equal conviction," she adds.

6. Be discreet

The decision to attend a sex party is deeply personal. "Be selective about who you tell to avoid judgement," says Santini. "You may get a negative reaction. But instead of feeling ashamed, I work with clients to reframe these experiences as a part of their personal growth narrative, emphasising the importance of autonomy in their sexual journey," she adds.

Additional research: Marie-Claire Dorking