Watching porn can have a major impact on your relationship, new study finds

Around half of all UK adults watch porn, but a new study has found that it could be having a major impact on your relationship.

The study, published in the Journal of Sex Research, found that porn consumption can cause “dissatisfaction” and “instability” in relationships.

Researchers from Brigham Young University in the US surveyed 3,500 people in committed relationships to look at their porn habits.

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Of those surveyed, 55% were married, 23% were living with their partner, 12% were remarried, and 2% were in an open relationship.

Nearly three-quarters (72%) of respondents were in a heterosexual relationship, while 17% identified as gay and 11% identified as bisexual.

“Results suggested that [pornography use] was associated with less relationship satisfaction and relationship stability,” lead author Professor Brian J. Willoughby told the website KSL. “Couples should know that viewing pornography is a risk factor in their relationship,” he added.

According to a recent survey by YouGov, 51% of British men and 15% of British women watch porn. Of these, 13% of men watch porn daily, while 23% of men and 3% of women watch it up to three times per week.

“People will have different relationships with porn,” explains dating coach Hayley Quinn. “For some it will be habitual, even to the point of addiction, for others it will be an erotic material that they share with their partner.

“However, porn creates a notoriously unrealistic image of what sex is like: people have perfect bodies, always orgasm, and are constantly desiring sex. In most long-term relationships people will find that their sexual desire ebbs and flows, that they and their partner don't have perfect bodies, or ones that always ‘cooperate’ when they try to have sex. Even then, the most ‘benign’-seeming porn can create a negative comparison with other people's sex lives.”

What can you do if you’re uncomfortable with your partner watching porn?

In any healthy relationship, good communication is key – and this extends to talking about your partner’s porn habits with them.

“Many of us are not used to discussing or understanding our own sexual desires and what turns us on,” Anna Richards, sexual wellness expert and founder of FrolicMe.com, says.

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“Some partners don’t feel comfortable that their lover is viewing someone else in a sexual way," she continues, "but this has no bearing on their commitment to their partner, their level of attraction to their partner or the quality of their relationship. Porn only becomes a problem when someone allows it to negatively affect the rest of their lives.”

If you notice that your partner is using porn as a form of stress relief, Quinn recommends talking to your partner to see if there are other ways that they can get their needs met.

“Perhaps, for instance, you could encourage them to increase their social contact with friends, or to exercise more," she suggests. "If you want to nurture the sexual area of your life you could also consider tantra or a couple-led sexual therapy to get your relationship back on track.”

She also says that one of the most important things you can do is to have a “good and honest” conversation about what you both find erotic, so that your fantasies aren’t kept from your partner and that you can both explore exactly what makes each other feel good.

What can you do if you’re worried about your own porn use in a relationship?

When it comes to watching porn yourself, is there a point where you should ever be concerned about your own habits? Quinn says four signs that your porn viewing is getting out of control include:

• You're spending too much money or time on porn, in a way that negatively affects other areas of your life.

• You’re experiencing a loss of attraction within your relationship, or problems with sexual function.

• Your use of porn is escalating (perhaps it's moved from videos, to webcams).

• You use porn as a release from uncomfortable feelings like stress, anxiety or disappointment.

If you are concerned about your porn habits, Better Help recommends getting in touch with a specialised counsellor or psychologist to work through the habit.

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In fact, research has found that use of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) as a treatment for excessive porn consumption sees an 85% improvement in subjects.

This type of therapy practices self-awareness, acknowledgement and acceptance of behavioural patterns.

Can porn be used by couples in a healthy way?

While watching porn together could help you and your partner to better understand each other’s fantasies, if you’re not comfortable watching porn then Quinn suggests swapping to audio porn and listening together.

This won't have the same unrealistic images, but could still turn you both on,” she adds.

“If you're in a safe and trusting relationship you could also consider creating your own pornographic material together. Even re-introducing something like sexting, which you may have done much more of in the earlier stages of dating could help to recreate the spark.”

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