How to talk to your teens about porn as new study shows children as young as nine have been exposed to it
Children are being exposed to online pornography from as young as nine, a new study for the children's commissioner for England has found.
The newly published research found that one in 10 children in England have viewed pornography aged just nine, with half of those surveyed having seen it by the time they reached the age of 13.
A quarter of 16-21-year-olds first saw pornography on the internet while still at primary school, it suggests.
The findings have been linked to low self-esteem among young people and harmful views of sex and relationships, with commissioner Dame Rachel de Souza describing them as "deeply concerning".
In a nationally representative survey of more than 1,000 16-21-year-olds, 38% had found pornographic content accidentally, while half of all survey respondents – 58% of males and 42% of females – in the same age group said they sought it out.
The report also found that girls are disproportionately the target of so-called “self-generated” pornography, with 51% aged between 16 and 21 having been sent or shown explicit content involving someone they know in real life, compared with 33% of boys.
Dame Rachel told of being “deeply concerned about the normalisation of sexual violence in online pornography, and the role that this plays in shaping children’s understanding of sex and relationships”.
She recalled an incident where she was told by a girl who had a first kiss with her 12-year-old boyfriend that he had put his hands around her neck as if to “strangle her” having seen it in pornography “and thought it normal”.
Most young adults (79%) aged 18 to 21 had seen pornography involving sexual violence before turning 18, the report found.
Alarmingly, the research suggested many young people assume that girls expect or enjoy sex involving physical aggression, such as airway restriction and slapping.
Commenting on the findings Dame Rachel said: “Let me be absolutely clear: online pornography is not equivalent to a ‘top-shelf’ magazine. The adult content which parents may have accessed in their youth could be considered ‘quaint’ in comparison to today’s world of online pornography.
“Depictions of degradation, sexual coercion, aggression and exploitation are commonplace, and disproportionately targeted against teenage girls.”
Dame Rachel went on to urge all adults in responsible positions, such as politicians, policymakers, parents and teachers, to “listen and take seriously the views of young people contained within this report”, warning that it is “crucial that we do not miss the opportunity to make the internet safe for all children, today and in the future”.
The report follows calls by a leading therapist to deliver more honest sex education in schools.
“The big issue is that teenagers going through puberty are naturally very interested in sex, but there is hardly any sex education," says Silva Neves, a sexpert on BBC3’s Sex on the Couch and author of Sexology: The Basics.
“Sex education in schools is basically about contraception and STIs. There is no conversation about understanding your body, sexual pleasure, body diversity or desire.
"So… young people instead turn to porn for sex education. But porn is not sex education.”
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One of the biggest issues, according to Neves, which is also highlighted in the Commissioner's report, is young people may think that certain extreme sex acts performed in porn videos are normal.
“Teenage boys may watch these things and think they’re ok to do with their partner," says Neves. "But often they don’t even talk about what they’re going to do, they just do it and think it’s going to make them a great lover.”
How to discuss porn with your teen
Concerned your child might be watching porn? If you want to talk to them, how do you broach the subject while minimising the cringe factor.
Be prepared
Though it may not be a conversation you ever wanted to have with your children, it's not something parents should shy away from.
"Try to set the expectation that this might be something you will come across because knowledge is power," explains Natalie Costa, children's confidence coach and founder of Power Thoughts.
"The more information we have, the more powerful and informative we can be as parents."
Pick your moment
A time when you're not rushed, and, above all, try to be calm and matter-of-fact.
“Your body language, attitude and tone of voice are very important,” says Neves. “If you’re anxious, your teen is going to pick that up straight away.”
Ask open-ended questions
While it would be very easy to come at the situation from a "this is terrible" judgmental stance, instead Costa suggests parents ask open-ended questions to find out a bit more about your child's exposure.
"What's really important is to talk to them about what they saw how they felt about what they saw," she explains. "A good way to start is 'What happened there, tell me a bit more, how did you find it? What did you see?' And then asking your child, 'How did that make you feel? What do you think about what you saw?'
"Just coming in from a place of curiosity, because you just want to find out more."
Costa says that will also help in terms of being able to recognise if there are certain security measures you need to put in place. "The answers that you get from children will also help to guide you in terms of how to steer the discussion."
Explain the difference between sex and porn
Child psychologist, Dr Alison McClymont suggests pointing out that pornography is not a realistic depiction of sex and sexual relationships.
"It is important we convey to adolescents, that sex is not dirty and it should be celebrated as something that two consenting adults can enjoy together," she says. "Pornography may involve no consent, it may involve violence, and it may also involve dangerous messages about women and sex.
"Parents could turn the message around to say, 'I’m sorry you saw this, but maybe we can use this as a learning opportunity – we can start thinking about ways we can respect each other and what a respectful relationship looks like,'" she adds.
Open up a line of communication
What's most important going forward, says Costa, is allowing your children the space to come to you to talk about anything they find and for you to be that safe space to know that they're not going to be judged.
"Let your child know that they're not in trouble and that there's no judgement," she suggests. "You want them to know that you can be that safe space for them to come to talk to you if they've got questions about it. And you will give them an honest answer."
Even if your child hasn't yet stumbled across something they shouldn't, Costa says it can't hurt to be prepared.
"It's the idea of pre-empting that this might happen and planning ahead before the time actually comes. Thinking this is how I might tackle this and these are some of the things I might say will give you as a parent a sense of control empowerment, so you don't feel too bamboozled if the situation does arise."
Start a discussion about consent and boundaries
Costa suggests talking about what consent is, what boundaries are, explaining that, depending on the age of your child, that it's normal to feel certain feelings and that's okay.
"This will be different for different children and families, but it is about discussing when do we explore these feelings, what kind of setting and explaining that it's between people who are respectful, that love or care for each other," she explains.
She also suggests exploring what boundaries and consent look like and what children can do if they don't feel comfortable about certain things – 'How do I stand up for myself? And who can I talk to?'
"It's about problem-solving together," she adds. "They could get a WhatsApp message or a photo that they don't want to see. So you could discuss how can we avoid seeing these things? Maybe it's certain keywords that we need to adjust in our security settings or keeping devices in public places."
Further resources
Neves suggests the following books as good sources of adult sex education:
Mind The Gap: The Truth about Desire and How to Futureproof your Sex Life by Karen Gurney (£14.99, Headline Home)
Losing It: Sex Education for the 21st Century by Sophia Smith Galer (£14.99, HarperCollins)
Sex Ed: A Guide for Adults by Ruby Rare (£12.99, Bloomsbury)
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel (£10.99, Hodder and Stoughton)
Additional reporting PA.
