Divorced Men Are Revealing The "Hardest Parts" Of Marriage That More People Should Know
We recently wrote a post where divorced men shared the "hardest parts" of marriage that no one talks about. In the comments, even more divorced men revealed hard lessons, surprises, and realities of marriage. Here's what they had to say:
Note: Some responses were pulled from this Reddit thread.
1."For me, it was in-laws. My family was very supportive of my marriage. They always suggested I do what was best for my 'new family' whenever my ex-wife and I had to make decisions. They understood that my wife was my new priority in marriage, not them. My in-laws were opposite. Now they had a new 'son,' and they could do anything/everything they wanted or needed, and my ex-wife was of the same belief."
"If you are not your spouse's priority, don't get married. Lesson learned: I'll never marry again unless my spouse and I are each other's priority in the relationship."
—Anonymous, 36, Washington, DC
2."I'm alone now but never lonely, as I was during marriage. I twice married younger women, but both ladies at age 50 flipped out and distanced from everything. Seems like I was the only one who wanted to live happily ever after."
—Anonymous, 72, Ohio
3."Not discussing expectations before getting married and then living with the consequences. For instance, my ex paid the bills while we lived together before and after marriage; I still had a year left of college. After we moved for my computer programmer job, she dumped the bills on me when she only worked part-time seasonal at the IRS — and we didn't have kids. It would have been nice to share those bills, say, a six-month rotation."
"Then, after we bought a condo one month, she spent half the checking account balance. So, I had to make minimum credit card payments for several months. She had an accounting degree from Ohio State, so she knew enough about money matters."
4."Making a lot of poor decisions when I was young. I was very selfish and didn't understand what a relationship took, much less a marriage. It's nearly impossible to overcome a lot of immaturity and selfish decisions. I'm not the same person I once was, but every decision or what I said creates a good memory or a hurtful one."
"So, in short, overcoming immaturity; the damage being done stacks up and at some point collapses a relationship."
—Anonymous, 48, Texas
5."Lack of intimacy can kill a relationship. The red flags you see before marriage won't turn green just because you walk down the aisle."
—Anonymous, 62, USA
6."If you find yourself day after day working to make your partner happy. You will never succeed in making them happy. It was never enough."
—Anonymous, 57, Massachusetts
7."The rejection and feeling unappreciated. I was married for almost 20 years. I worked two jobs to stay afloat; the more I worked, the more she spent. Then, I paid dearly for that when it came to paying for a child. She wasn't working; she didn't want to work. She had a good job and just quit one day out of the blue. We were already struggling. No other job lined up or anything. Finally, I caught her cheating with some 17-year-old kid."
"She was delusional and thought that she had some future with him. She thought I would pay for everything after the divorce, and she would live high on the hog. On top of all that, I was in a sexless marriage for the last five years. Rejection after rejection. It wears on you after a while."
—Anonymous
8."That women can be abusive, too. My ex-wife was very abusive. She never cheated that I could prove. However, I always suspected — especially towards the end when the abuse was at its worst. It took a few years, but since then, I've found someone wonderful beyond measure. I've never been more happy or satisfied with life. It truly is more than I ever hoped for. She's my person. With her, life doesn't just have possibilities; it has good ones."
"My advice? If it feels bad, more often than not, leave. It doesn't have to be dramatic; just simply leave. Time only moves forward, and you can't get any of it back. Very good relationships still have tough times, but if there's harm? Go. Traumas can be lasting and pervasive, and they don't discriminate against genders. There's better out there for you, and you deserve a relationship that doesn't cause you harm."
—Anonymous, 38, Oklahoma
9."Sex was the hardest part for me. I had no idea that depression medicine could affect a person's sex drive; my ex had been on them for years, and our sex life was dismal to non-existent. I grew up in a household where men were considered dogs and cheaters, and I strived to be the best and most loyal spouse I could be."
"But I had to be honest with myself. I wasn't happy and wanted sex. After 27 years of marriage, I asked for a divorce."
—Anonymous, 59, Washington
10."I think the hardest part was that the mother of my only child blamed me for many things I wasn't perfect about. I think she never learned to take responsibility for her actions. She always found a way to blame me, something I did in the past, or any other circumstance that happened along the way."
"Also, I don't think she ever took on responsibility for her own family by caring for her other family: mother, brother, sister-in-law, nephew. She would spend time and money on them like it was her responsibility because they had less than us — that always created friction when confronted about it. She always wanted me to be involved in solving their issues. I never felt she put her son first and her marriage."
—Anonymous, 62, Wisconsin
11."One of the hardest aspects of marriage that is rarely talked about is mental illness. Mental illness is pervasive in all societies, and though it takes two people to make a marriage work, it takes only one person to decimate it. Much more must be done to recognize that a person is ill and guide them towards ways to heal."
"Holding a family together when one person is not functioning well or is even doing damage to their partner and kids becomes an untenable situation."
—Anonymous, 62, New York
12."I have been married twice. My first wife was extremely jealous and possessive. Come to find out, seven years in, she had three affairs while overseas or deployed. My second wife was a great woman. Talk about taking care of the family, but that was the problem. Our children became her everything, and she forgot about us. Their needs became an excuse not to work or have time for ourselves."
"Even when I did something without my family, I was made to feel guilty. I had to call it quits after a 27-year relationship. Better to be lonely and happy than married and miserable."
—Anonymous, 53, Texas
13."Money. My ex-wife could go through money like it was nothing. Eventually, I couldn't keep up, and it was cheaper to divorce than try to pay for that lifestyle. Sometimes, you need to burn down some trees to save the forest."
14."Communication completely broke down after growing apart. There's no fixing it if you can't talk through it."
15."I got tired of being second to literally anything else in her life. I got tired of being dismissed when I raised my concerns. When you're sick at home needing care, and they won't come home because they want to go drinking (like they do most every weekend anyway), you need to think about where you sit in the pecking order."
16."It was a lot of small things added up over 20 years. Basically, I wasn't feeling loved. She only hung out with me if she had nothing else to do or it was an elaborate vacation we couldn't afford. I doted on her, cooked, cleaned, worked, and sacrificed. Her job, friends and her family were always more important. Then, I met someone who made me feel loved and liked and made a priority."
And finally...
17."[When you have] different priorities and want different things out of life. We were married for more than 20 years and raised some great kids. We still love each other in a way, although it's kind of painful, so it's easier not to associate too much. Our life together involved both of us making sacrifices and compromises because we loved each other and wanted to make it work. But after many, many years of not really getting what you want out of life, you get tired. You realize you've only got so many years left, so maybe you should spend them doing what you want."
"If I told a more specific story, it would all be my side of the story, and it would make her look bad. I'm not going to do that. We were both the 'bad guy,' and we were both the 'good guy.' A long relationship ending is never all one person's fault. There's blame to go around."
Divorced men, what are the "hardest parts" of marriage that no one talks about? Let us know in the comments below. Or, if you prefer to remain anonymous, feel free to use this Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
