Six questions every midlife couple should ask to keep their marriage alive

Divorce lawyers and marriage counsellors tend to agree on one thing – relationships take work, especially if you’ve been in it for the long haul.

Marriages ending in divorce before their 25th (silver) wedding anniversary have increased over time, figures from the Office of National Statistics reveal. And for couples who married in 1997 (the latest marriage cohort to potentially reach their 25th anniversary), 41 per cent will divorce before they hit this significant milestone.

But before the clang of the separation bell, it might be worth committing to a midlife marriage MOT. These experts give their insights into six common questions couples should be asking…

Are we both doing enough to keep the spark burning?

Most relationship experts would agree we are creatures of contradiction. We crave security, commitment, permanence – but we are also enticed by excitement, adventure and desire. With a long-term partnership, the challenge is keeping the more thrilling side of things active. Because, while a dependable and trusted spouse is appealing, it’s often the “spark” that helps sustain us as a couple.

It’s almost inevitable that we fall into the rut of the ordinary over time so it’s important to ask yourself, am I doing enough to keep this relationship going? We humans exist in the little things; it’s the day-to-day minutia that influences whether we feel loved or dismissed. Perhaps it’s a touch on the shoulder, a reassuring glance or an unexpected kiss… but the regular reinforcement of caring commitment between a couple will give them a better chance at longevity.

Joanne Strong, a BACP couples therapist, adds: “But this doesn’t mean you have to be side by side every minute of every day. A successful relationship is often about ‘togetherness’ and ‘separateness’. If we approach every aspect of our lives ‘as a couple’, things can stagnate. But when a person goes off and has their own experiences outside of the relationship, it means they bring back something fresh, and you’ve got stuff to talk about together. It adds a sense of interest, almost surprise, to your dynamic. In a long-standing marriage, it can help maintain the allure.”

Do we argue over nothing?

When you bicker on repeat, it often means there is more to it than you might think.  Vicky, 54, recently blew up at her husband after he lost his set of keys. Kelli Novak, a psychotherapist at The Soke clinic in Chelsea, London, says: “While the misplaced keys might be irritating, the underlying issue could be immersed in something much bigger, like resentment because she takes more responsibility for the running of the household than him.

“When couples accrue these negative feelings, it prevents them connecting with each other and being a team. Then, if the real problem isn’t resolved, it creates ongoing conflict. Trying to identify the deeper concern might get them to the nub of what’s really going on and help them progress and unite. In my practice, if someone is resistant to communicating honestly, I get them to think about what they stand to lose. I might ask, would you rather win the argument or be married?”

Is our sex life still turning us on?

A hot topic. Or maybe, after all these years, not so hot? Which is completely normal, because there will naturally be periods when sex isn’t working for one of you.  Whether that’s influenced by ageing, menopause, illness, career insecurity, children flying the nest… it’s safe to say most couples will experience fallow periods of intimacy.

Anthony, 50, found he suddenly went off sex with his wife of 25 years after he lost his job in finance. “I felt distracted and stressed,” he explains. “I couldn’t lose myself to sex, my head was too full of worry and so I just stopped instigating it. My wife tried a few times but I made it clear I couldn’t go there. Then one day she asked me what was going on and it was such a relief to tell her how pent up I was feeling.”

Peter Saddington, a therapist working for Relate in the Midlands, says: “It’s good to talk about any difficulties; then you can understand your different perspectives and work out what you both want to do about it. Being silent, or even resentful, about a lack of intimacy will only make the matter worse – for couples to want to make love, they’ve got to feel they are connected first. In my therapy room, I often ask couples to remember what sex was like when they first met. Generally, those memories are exciting and thrilling. It helps to remind them what they are capable of.”

Best-selling author and psychotherapist Esther Perel writes in her book, Mating in Captivity, about “cultivating play”.  She encourages couples to try different ways of bringing fun and playfulness into their lovemaking. “When couples complain their sex life is listless, I know it isn’t mere frequency they are after… I prefer to talk about their erotic life rather than their sex life…  Eroticism is the cultivation of excitement, a purposeful quest for pleasure… Complaining of sexual boredom is easy and conventional. Nurturing eroticism in the home is an act of open defiance.”

Are we really talking or is it just words?

“There were so many isolated years when I felt desperately alone in my marriage,” reveals Anita, 62. “To the outside world, things looked okay. My husband and I talked, we were respectful to each other, but if anyone ever took the time to listen closely to us, they’d realise we only ever spoke about practicalities, the family timetable, or the children’s welfare. There was no intimacy, no recognition of how I was feeling, or any suggestion that I was important in my husband’s life. Inevitably, we are now divorced. The day it was finalised, he said to me, ‘I don’t truly understand what went wrong’!”

Kelli Novak wonders if both parties have played a role here by not confronting their situation earlier. “This is hard, of course,” she admits. “What ultimately happened to them was tragic and possibly avoidable. The husband is still unaware that he’d stopped noticing long ago what his partner was thinking and feeling. And the wife was living miserably for years but remained silent.

“Couples can get so much from listening to each other; not only with what is being said, but by also being aware of what is not being said. When a couple is closely bonded, they can understand each other through their body language or behaviour alone. I often see long-term relationships struggling because people talk about the boring stuff, but they have forgotten how to conduct meaningful conversations and, most importantly, have fun together. A couple who can make each other laugh is doing very well.”

When was the last time we had fun?

If you’re pondering that question a tad too long, you might have a little work to do. Because when you’ve shared breathing space with the same person for forever and a day, you can fall into the trap of forgetting why you like each other and what you enjoy doing together. It takes real effort to stimulate life outside of the humdrum. Who doesn’t revert to collapsing in front of the TV after dark or adopting an I-can’t-be-bothered reluctance to trying something new? It’s called familiarity and we all know what it breeds.

Joanne Strong, a BACP couples therapist, says there may be another way to look at this. “Midlife can give us an invitation to reimagine our situation. Often the children are grown up, career pressures are less, there is more free time and so you can start to think about what you want to do differently going forward. Maybe you’d like to travel, take up an activity, learn something new…? You might want to do this as a couple, you might want to do some of it on your own. That’s fine, difference is normal but the important part is discussing your thoughts and ensuring you are both comfortable with the outcome.

“So if one of you does want to pursue a pottery class, there is no resentment about it. And then when you come back, you remember to do something enjoyable together. The main bit of this is consciously thinking, how do we want to spend our time having fun?”

Can we say sorry – and mean it?

You can’t be in a relationship for decades without needing to say sorry on a regular basis. But verbalising your remorse can work against you. Because if it’s a flippant throwaway apology that gets dragged reluctantly from your mouth or is hurled into the mix to rapidly move an argument along, it just won’t do.

Need examples? “I’m sorry if I hurt you” (no if, you did). “I’m sorry but…” (suggests you don’t mean it). “I’m sorry you think… (dismissive of their feelings).

Experts say for an apology to have weight, it’s crucial not to make excuses for your behaviour. Acknowledge what you did wrong, accept responsibility for it, try to explain why you did it (no blame allowed) and show genuine remorse. Just declaring “I’m sorry!” doesn’t cut it. The other person needs to feel understood and valued; that you really care about their feelings and what they went through. This might feel tough for you – there’s humility needed here – but if a true apology is the only thing that’s going to bring reparation, it needs to count because it signals the relationship as something worth investing in.

Ms Novak adds: “A meaningful apology says, ‘I care about you and your wellbeing, and it can actually bring couples closer’. If you get into the power struggle of, ‘I’m right, you’re wrong’, a connection is severed and you both miss out on mutual support and togetherness. There is a sense of not being in this together and that can be a lonely place.”