Expert shares the tell-tale signs of coercive control: What to do if you are experiencing it
An expert has shared some of the tell-tale signs of coercive control to help people spot whether they, or a friend, are in an abusive relationship.
Controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship has been officially criminalised since 2015, but there is some concern from charities and experts that many are unsure about what actually constitutes controlling behaviour.
And this lack of awareness could be putting women at risk.
According to Women's Aid coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.
"This controlling behaviour is designed to make a person dependent by isolating them from support, exploiting them, depriving them of independence and regulating their everyday behaviour," the site explains.
Read more: I suffered financial abuse – my husband would get angry if I even spent £1.50 (Yahoo Life UK, 7-min read)
While every situation is unique, Sarah Davidge, head of research and evaluation at Women’s Aid says there are many some common signs of coercive control that the charity regularly sees in those experiencing it.
"Some of these include an abuser isolating you from friends and family and depriving you of basic needs like food," she explains.
Another common sign is a partner monitoring your time and movements, often with the use of spyware or online tools.
"An abuser is also likely to put you down and erode your confidence by humiliating, degrading and dehumanising you," Davidge continues.
Women's Aid has outlined some common examples of coercive behaviour including:
The abuser isolating you from friends and family
They deprive you of basic needs, like food
Monitoring your time and movements, often with the use of spyware or online communication tools
Taking control over your everyday life, like where you go, who you see, what you wear and even when you sleep
Repeatedly putting you down and eroding your confidence, humiliating, degrading and dehumanising you
Controlling your finances
Intimidating you or threatening you
Depriving your access to support or health services
Gaslighting you and making you doubt what you know to be the truth
Women’s Aid is keen to raise awareness of the issue, because coercive control offences have continued to rise since it was made illegal in 2015.
According to recent figures from Office for National Statistics (ONS), there were 41,626 offences of coercive control recorded by the police in England and Wales in the year ending March 2022. This is compared with 33,954 in the year ending March 2021 and 24,856 in the year ending March 2020.
Experts believe the rise in offences could be attributed to improvements made by the police in recognising incidents of coercive control and using the new law accordingly.
Watch: 'Chilling' surge in use of smart speakers and baby monitors to control domestic abuse victims, MPs say
What to do if you or a friend think you are experiencing coercive control
If you find yourself experiencing coercive control in a relationship, it is important to remember you are not alone, and support is available to help you.
"If you’re not sure if your relationship is healthy or you’re worried about a friend or family member, Women's Aid are here for support," Davidge says.
She advises anyone who believes they might be the victim of coercive or controlling behaviour to make their safety the number one priority.
"Once you’ve made the decision to leave, remember – your safety is important, so plan your exit carefully," Davidge continues.
"Plan to leave at a time when you know your partner won’t be around. Try and take everything you will need with you, for example important documents relating to you and your children.
"If possible, it is a good idea to set aside a small amount of money, or even open a separate bank account."
Read more: One in six Brits don't know the signs of financial abuse: Here's how to spot them (5-min read)
How to help a friend in a controlling relationship
Davidge says a common question Women’s Aid get asked is what people should say to a friend or family member who they believe is being coerced and controlled.
"It is important to use supportive language, so instead of saying ‘if I were you, I’d leave’, show that you understand the barriers that she might be facing," she advises.
It is also important not to blame the person for the abuse that they are experiencing.
"Avoid saying things like ‘That sounds unlike him’ or ‘What did you do’ - instead, try ‘Your feelings are valid and I believe you’ or ‘You don’t deserve this, no matter what’.
"You must also remember to look after yourself, too, as domestic abuse can affect family and friends as well."
Read more: Love bombing: The manipulative relationship tactic you need to know about (8-min read)
Where to go for help
Free and confidential support is available from Refuge’s 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 and digital support via live chat Monday-Friday 3-10pm via nationaldahelpline.org.uk.
Anyone experiencing domestic abuse, including survivors of past abuse, can get help from Victim Support – regardless of whether or not it’s been reported to the police. Visit victimsupport.org.uk where you can get in touch via Live Chat or by calling the charity’s 24/7 support line on 08 08 16 89 111.
Women's Aid, with similar helplines available, also has information on how you can help your children, making a safety plan, and what to do if you're worried about someone else.
To access support over the phone, call: National Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 2000 247
If you think you or someone else might be in danger, call the police immediately on 999. If it's hard to make contact for help, see this information page on what 'safe spaces' are.
Other places to go for help and advice:
NHS, getting help for domestic violence and abuse: nhs.uk
Government, how to get help: gov.uk
Men’s advice line, for men in abusive situations: mensadviceline.org.uk
Citizen’s Advice: citizensadvice.org.uk
