Grieving while someone’s still alive: How does anticipatory grief work?
Watch: Trevor Sorbie's wife is having bereavement counselling following his terminal cancer diagnosis
Trevor Sorbie's wife has revealed that she has been having bereavement counselling following her husband's terminal bowel cancer diagnosis.
The celebrity hairdresser, 75, shared a heart-wrenching update with viewers on This Morning, explaining that he may only have weeks to live after being advised back in June that his prognosis was predicted to be around six months.
"So, both (of us) were in a bit of denial at that point," wife Carole, told hosts Cat Deeley and Ben Shepherd. "And then you had the last scan, which was September, and that’s when you realise no treatment is going to work."
As she talked about her own preparations for the future, Carole went on to say: "I did struggle and was crying a lot but Trevor and my son encouraged me to go to counselling and I've actually started bereavement counselling which I didn't know you could do before and they are going to guide me through and hold my hand and up until two years, or however long it takes after the event, so I do feel very supported and feel lucky I have that support... but more so from Trevor than anyone because he's incredible."
Carole said that while she finds it to be “totally overwhelming most days”, her husband has given her “strength” to get through everything.
She added: “He’s guiding me through a good death … living a good life, dying a good death. And up until then, I hadn’t thought about that.
“But what we do every day now, we’re thankful for the day that we have, that we wake up together, and it’s all the simple things.”
Grieving while someone is still alive
Most of us think that grief is something which happens after a death, but actually as Carole hinted, grief can start before someone actually dies.
When a loved one, like Trevor, receives a terminal diagnosis grief can begin almost immediately, with many of the feelings and thoughts experienced at this time seeming just as intense and difficult as those after a death.
There are many reasons why someone may grieve for a person who is still living, and the phenomenon actually has a couple of official terms - ambiguous or anticipatory grief.
"Ambiguous and anticipatory grief represent a profound emotional experience that often goes unnoticed, but their impact can be deeply unsettling," explains psychologist Barbara Santini.
Ambiguous grief, unlike conventional grief after death, arises when a person is physically present but emotionally or cognitively absent.
"This could be seen in dementia, severe mental illness, or even addiction," Santini explains. "Anticipatory grief, on the other hand, emerges when you’re aware of an impending loss, such as in terminal illness."
Both forms of grief create an ongoing, unresolved sense of loss, characterised by conflicting emotions.
"One of the key challenges is the lack of societal validation," explains Santini. "Traditional grief is met with sympathy, rituals, and support, but with ambiguous grief, there’s often confusion from friends and family. They might say, 'They’re still here, so why are you grieving?', for example."
But Santini says this, often common, response can intensify feelings of isolation and emotional dissonance, as you struggle to reconcile the person’s presence with the growing absence of their former self.
"Additionally, the open-ended nature of this grief, where you might not know when or if there will be closure, creates lingering emotional exhaustion, unlike the finality of death," she adds.
Surprising benefits of anticipatory grief
A unique, albeit difficult, benefit of anticipatory grief, according to Santini, is that it can provide the sufferer with time.
"It offers a window to reflect, adapt, and make meaningful adjustments in relationships before an eventual loss occurs," she explains. "You have the opportunity to process emotions in waves, rather than being blindsided by a sudden death."
In some cases, Santini says, this can deepen connections, giving room for conversations and reconciliations that might not have happened otherwise.
Coping strategies for ambiguous or anticipatory grief
Santini advises those experiencing ambiguous or anticipatory grief to redefine the relationship on new terms, even if it's painful.
"Seeking validation through therapy, journaling, or support groups where this type of grief is understood can be crucial," she suggests. "Mindfulness practices and accepting that grief doesn’t always follow a linear path can provide emotional stability, helping you navigate the turmoil without losing yourself to it," she adds.
Read more about grief:
Bill to give ‘choice at end of life’ to be introduced to Parliament this month (PA Media, 5-min read)
'I thought I was dying - then I was diagnosed with a lifelong condition' (SomersetLive, 6-min read)
How to prepare yourself for death when given a terminal diagnosis (Yahoo Life UK, 6-min read)
