As a longtime sports columnist – “too long,” some might say – I’m accustomed to hate mail. In fact, I’m entertained by it.

My favorite reader critique, which I’m sure I’ve mentioned more than once, was both concise and venomous: “I wish an F5 tornado would suck you out of your car.”

That email wasn’t written by University of Tennessee Chancellor Donde Plowman, but it could have been. Just last week, she channeled her inner attack dog in an email aimed at the NCAA.

Plowman went on the offensive to defend her school against an NCAA investigation into whether UT ran afoul of rules related to student-athletes profiting from name, image, and likeness.

I won’t rehash the specifics of her strategically vicious response. You can read them on KnoxNews.com. Suffice to say, she accused the NCAA of everything but spreading COVID and exacerbating the crisis on the Southern border.

One of my readers was as impressed as I was. Don wrote: “I wish I could get Donde Plowman to write letters for me. Wow!”

I was already thinking along the same lines.

I thought back to a recent culinary experience at a Lufkin, Texas, restaurant that pretended to serve Louisiana-style food. The etouffee was so lacking in crawfish it could have passed for tomato soup. The hushpuppies were big, but cold. Only when I asked the server if we would get same-day service did he realize he had forgotten to place our order.

Anyone who has traveled with me knows I don’t usually let subpar service slide. But my wife and I had many miles to travel, so I didn’t even take time to complain or question what strange syrup had been poured on the brussels sprouts that were worth only two bites. I even left the server a decent tip.

Fewer than 10 miles down the road, I regretted my pathetic response. Now, a week later, I imagine that UT’s chancellor would have reacted more appropriately.

My guess is she would have smiled and asked the server something like: “Excuse me, but do you have a microscope? I would like to see if there are crawfish in this etouffee.”

Then, after requesting the server return three-fourths of her lunch to the kitchen (the mixed vegetables were edible), she might have said: “Thanks so much for bolstering my confidence in my gastrointestinal health. Fifteen minutes after first sampling your cuisine, I’m not even nauseated. But just in case things go south, is there an emergency room nearby?”

Plowman’s email to the NCAA was so impressive she should publish a manual on how to respond to various negative experiences – a bad meal, atrocious medical care, or a dreadful relationship. If she wouldn’t have time for that, maybe she could record phone messages on how to deal strongly with unfavorable experiences.

ADAMS: A different Donde Plowman greeted NCAA for Tennessee NIL investigation

I won’t need that phone service, though. After reading Plowman’s response to the NCAA, I’m good.

And if I return to a certain seafood restaurant in Lufkin, I will be prepared to go “Full Donde.” The experience would be worth the price of a bad meal.

John Adams is a senior columnist. He may be reached at 865-342-6284 or john.adams@knoxnews.com. Follow him at: twitter.com/johnadamskns.

This article originally appeared on Knoxville News Sentinel: Imagine if Tennessee chancellor Donde Plowman could write your emails