7 Common Phrases That May Unintentionally Spoil Your Kids
It’s a classic parenting conundrum of our time: You go to turn off the TV and your child is whining for five more minutes or another episode, even after you’ve already said no. It certainly would be easier to give in rather than to deal with another tantrum. What do you do?
Though it may solve your problem in the moment, responding with “OK, fine, you can have more,” teaches kids that they can push boundaries and get what they want. This is just one example of common phrases we say to our kids that may unintentionally lead to spoiled behavior.
“The way we talk to our kids — whether it’s giving in, bribing them or letting them avoid responsibility — shapes their understanding of boundaries and consequences,” said Ann-Louise Lockhart, pediatric psychologist, parent coach and owner of A New Day Pediatric Psychology. “Over time, they may start to feel entitled to things without earning them, which can impact their relationships and behavior as they grow.”
We talked to psychologists about what phrases to avoid saying — and what to say instead — when you want to raise “unspoiled” kids. Read on for their tips.
First of all, what does “spoiled” mean, exactly?
“A ‘spoiled’ child often has learned to expect their needs and wants to be met without effort or consideration for others,” Lockhart explained.
There is “no gene” for spoiled kids, added Michele Borba, educational psychologist and author of “Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle And Others Shine.” The way we interact with our children can create this behavior.
“We think that … giving in to them is going to help raise a happier child … [but] in reality, it sets up kids for the opposite,” she said.
The good news is that, because “spoiled” is a learned behavior, it can be unlearned.
“I don’t like the word ‘spoiled’ because children aren’t fruit that goes bad and is ruined forever,” explainedEileen Kennedy-Moore, psychologist and creator of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast.
Kennedy-Moore likes to focus on what specific behaviors the child is struggling with (like accepting “no” for an answer) and how the phrases we use can make a difference in their cooperation.
1. “OK, fine. Just this once.”
If you say no when your kid asks for a candy bar at the grocery store, what happens if they keep pestering you and you finally give in?
“This conveys that boundaries are flexible and can be broken with enough persistence,” Lockhart explained. “Over time, it teaches kids that if they push hard enough, they’ll get their way.”
Instead, be thoughtful about when to say no, Kennedy-Moore advised. If it’s something that doesn’t matter to you, say yes. But if you feel strongly about it, say no and stick to your answer.
“Sometimes it’s easier for your kid to accept … no if you explain why you’re saying it, but don’t get trapped into explaining endlessly or trying to convince your kid to like your decision,” she said. “It’s OK to say, ‘I’ve heard you. I’ve thought about it. The answer is still no.’”
Sticking to the boundary shows it was set for a reason and teaches kids how to manage disappointment, Lockhart said.
2. “If you’re good, I’ll get you a treat.”
“While rewards have their place, consistently using them to manage behavior can create a transactional mindset where kids only behave well if they get something in return,” Lockhart explained.
Alternatively, she recommends using natural consequences and positive enforcement.
“You can … [say] something like, ‘You completed your homework and stayed focused. Now you have more time to play outside before dinner,’” she suggested.
She prefers to use rewards for bigger milestones or achievements, such as a child working to improve their grades.
“These rewards can be a high five [or] a verbal ‘I’m so proud of you,’” she said. “They can also include tangible rewards, like a later bedtime, choosing a favorite toy at the store, and getting to choose what dessert the family eats after dinner.”
3. “Of course you can have it now.”
Delaying a non-urgent request and teaching a child to wait is an invaluable tool, Borba said.
For instance, if you’re on the phone and your child is interrupting or asking for something, you can put up your hand and tell them they need to wait until you’re done, she suggested. For younger kids, you can even give them a task to do while they wait, such as sing a song or count to 10. It helps distract their brains until you’re ready to help them.
“They have to learn … that they can’t have it their way all the time,” she said.
4. “I’ll give you this now, but you have to promise to behave later.”
“Chances are your kid is not going to be able to keep this bargain because now is now and later is later,” Kennedy-Moore said. “Instead, focus on natural consequences after, rather than before, your child’s positive behavior.”
For example, if your child is refusing to get dressed, you can say something like, “If you get dressed now, then we will have time to play before school.”
5. “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”
If this phrase is used to allow kids to opt out of a responsibility, such as household chores, it’s not teaching them accountability.
“It can send the message that they don’t need to follow through with responsibilities if they don’t feel like it, which can undermine their ability to handle discomfort or challenging situations,” Lockhart said.
This phrase may also be commonly used when a kid signs up for a sport or extracurricular activity and wants to quit.
If this happens, “acknowledge their feelings but remind them of the commitment they made,” she said. “I suggest agreeing on a time frame to stick it out … and then reevaluating together.”
6. “I’ve told you to do that 12 times.”
“If you tell your child to do something twelve times, you’re training [them] to ignore you 11 out of 12 times,” Kennedy-Moore said.
If they don’t listen the first time, she recommends making sure you have their full attention by walking over to them, making eye contact and even putting your hand on their shoulder.
“Tell [them] what [they] should do rather than what [they] shouldn’t, [and] give one brief direction at a time,” Kennedy-Moore explained. “It may help to then stand silently and expectantly near your child, waiting for [them] to do what [they’re] supposed to do.”
7. “Let me get another toy/ball/etc. for your friend.”
If your kid is taking the ball from someone else or not sharing a toy, offering to find another one for the other kid isn’t helping in the long term.
“Your child is [then] never learning the give and take … [and] to think about the other kid,” Borba said.
When your child isn’t sharing or taking turns, you can say, “How would you feel if that was you?” It’s important to consistently talk about and name feelings so your child is able to identify them, according to Borba. This also helps kids become more empathetic of others.
“Once your child begins to see [they] can give instead of get all the time, you’re starting to release that self centeredness,” she said.
When they become less self-centered and realize the impact they can have on others, they are more likely to become empathetic, resilient and happier.
