What are the grief stages? Hairy Bikers' Si King talks struggle since Dave Myers' death
Ever since his best friend and co-star Dave Myers died of cancer in February, Hairy Bikers star Si King said he has been "struggling" as he copes with the grief.
Myers died at the age of 66, two years after revealing he had been diagnosed with cancer. In an article for The Times, King wrote that the "past few months have been a struggle". He explained how he was experiencing various stages of grief, from wanting to escape to "raging" to reflection.
"More than once I was on the verge of jumping on my bike and heading into the sunset," he wrote. "Not telling anyone where I was going. Just clear off and never come back.
"Other times I was raging. Raging at that bloody disease, at God and anything else I could think of."
King added that, when asked what he is planning to do next, he wants to "take some time to reflect on the life I had with my best mate".
What are the stages of grief?
The five stages of grief are commonly known, as the model has been around since 1969. It was first developed by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross as a roadmap of what people might expect to go through while grieving.
However, Dr Lynne Green, Chief Clinical Officer at digital mental health provider Kooth, says there are actually seven stages of grief.
These include:
1. Shock and denial
Provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. Pain and guilt
Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. Anger and bargaining
"Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair: "I will never drink again if you just bring him back!"
4. Depression, reflection, loneliness
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders.
5. The upward turn
As you start to adjust, life becomes a little calmer and more organised. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.
6. Reconstruction and working through
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again; you will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstruct yourself and your life.
7. Acceptance and hope
You learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness but you will find a way forward and anticipate some good times to come.
However, as King’s poignant writing reveals, the stages of grief aren’t linear. You may experience all the stages of grief, or only some, and feelings may surface when you least expect them to.
Catherine Betley, Bereavement Services Manager at Sue Ryder, emphasises that "there is no right way to grieve". "Ultimately, it’s important to remember that grief is an entirely individual experience, and how it affects you can be influenced by a huge number of factors.
"It’s not a process that follows a set timeline or a specific order, and it’s not something you can predict."
How do I support myself after the death of a friend?
The death of a friend can be an incredibly difficult thing to cope with. Beatley advises those going through such grief to take things one day at a time.
There are some things you can do to support yourself through this challenging period. Again, there is no right way to grieve - what’s important is that you do what feels right for you, Beatley adds.
Talk about your feelings
Opening up about your grief can help your family and friends support you in the way that you need. It can feel scary to be so honest, but communicating with them about what you need can ease some of the pressure you feel. Grief can be isolating, but remember that you shouldn’t have to go through it alone.
If you don’t feel comfortable going to a family member or friend, you could consider joining a grief support group. Sue Ryder offers more information about what grief support groups are and how to join one, either in person or online.
Share your memories
Taking time to reflect on special moments throughout your friendship can help you feel connected to your friend as you grieve. You could meet up with others who knew and loved them, or you could set up a digital space, such as our memory box tool, to share all your photos and memories.
Find ways to remember them
You may want to think about a meaningful way for you to honour your friend’s memory. For example, you could make a memory box, plant a tree or flower, visit a place that was special to them, or support a cause they cared about.
Write about your feelings
If you feel like you have things you still want to say to your friend, or if you find yourself wishing that they were around at certain life events or moments, you might want to consider writing to them. This could be a quick text every now and then to let them know how you’re feeling, a journal entry, or it could be something longer like a letter that you write every year.
Take care of yourself
Grief can be exhausting, so it can feel even harder if you don’t look after your physical health. This can be hard to do when you’re grieving, but it’s important to try to eat well, get the sleep you need, and move your body each day. It may take a lot of effort to get out of the house, but going for a walk or sitting outside for a few minutes can help you feel better.
Watch: Hairy Bikers Dave Myers' widow still feels his energy every day
If you are grieving and need some extra support, you can visit www.sueryder.org/grief-support to get in touch with an online bereavement community, speak to a text-based ‘Grief Coach’, and access online counselling.
Read more about grief:
Residents offered bereavement support at town's first ever 'Grief Kind Space' (Swindon Advertiser, 2-min read)
I'm A Grief Expert, These Are 6 Actually Useful Things To Do To Help Somebody Who Is Grieving (HuffPost, 3-min read)
Grieving while someone’s still alive: How does anticipatory grief work? (Yahoo Life UK, 4-min read)
