How to turn empathy into compassion for better relationships, resilience, and more
If you’re someone who regularly tries to understand people’s emotions and help those in need, you might consider yourself to be an empathetic and compassionate person. But, although these words are sometimes used interchangeably, empathy and compassion are two distinct skill sets. And while both stem from a desire to connect with others, research shows that their effects are quite different, too.
Empathy is a broad psychological concept that can be broken into at least two components: cognitive empathy and emotional empathy. 'Cognitive empathy has to do with understanding another person's perspective and their emotional experience in some way,' says Jessica A. Stern, PhD, a developmental psychologist, researcher, and assistant professor of psychological science at Pomona College. For example, you may look at someone’s facial expression and recognise that they’re upset, or you might try to put yourself in their shoes to better understand their viewpoint. Emotional (or affective) empathy is more feelings-based, and involves sharing the same emotions as someone else, she adds.
Compassion, on the other hand, refers to 'the motivation to alleviate suffering,' says Kristin Neff, PhD, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, and co-founder of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion. While empathy is primarily about recognising and trying to understand another person’s emotions, compassion is action-oriented. It involves noticing someone’s hardship, feeling sincere concern for their wellbeing, and taking a step to lessen their struggles. This can look like volunteering at an organisation, helping a family member with their household chores, or actively listening to a friend without judgment.
'Compassion enables us to live authentically, guiding us to become increasingly true to ourselves and our hearts, even when that means taking risks, feeling nervous or afraid, confronting our pain and imperfections, and making mistakes,' says Racheli Miller, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of The Compassion Practice. Ultimately, when properly balanced and practiced together, compassion and empathy can increase resilience, improve emotional intelligence, promote better mental and physical health, and strengthen all of your relationships—including the one with yourself.
Ahead, psychologists explain the key differences between the two concepts, and share tips on how you can both build empathy and become a more compassionate person.
Compassion and empathy share some similarities—and a lot of differences.
Both empathy and compassion are great avenues to understanding and connecting with others, but they can have differing impacts on a person’s overall mood and mental health. 'Empathy is sometimes associated with more negative emotions like stress, burnout, or sadness, whereas compassion is more associated with positive emotions like self-expansion and warmth,' says Stern. Contrary to compassion, empathy can lead to empathic distress, which is a strong negative response to another person’s suffering, accompanied by the desire to withdraw from the situation.
However, 'we can also empathise with people's positive emotional states and experience happiness with them,' says Karina Schumann, PhD, an associate professor of social psychology and conflict resolution researcher at the University of Pittsburgh. For instance, if a friend calls to tell you that they aced their interview and were offered their dream job, you might share their excitement and joy, too.
Another significant distinction: While empathy can be a fleeting emotional connection, compassion is usually a long-lasting state of readiness to offer a helping hand whenever possible. Plus, 'while we can't really empathise with ourselves, because empathy is about understanding other people’s emotional experiences, we can have self-compassion,' says Stern.
Although these are two different concepts, it is possible to experience empathy and compassion at the same time. 'It's not something that people have to choose between,' says Stern. 'We could actually combine the strengths of both.' In fact, empathy is often the first step in building social connections, and it’s actually a prerequisite for compassion, explains Miller. For example, you can empathise with someone through what they're feeling, and if that person is experiencing visceral pain or suffering, then you might take action to ease some of their discomfort.
It’s also important to note that while compassion involves feeling genuine care and kindness for others, you don’t necessarily have to care about someone to empathise with them. Plus, a downside—or contradiction—of empathy is that people tend to have an easier time naturally empathising with individuals who share their life circumstances, says Schumann. However, 'when they are members of different racial groups, for example, our empathy tends to break down,' she adds. In turn, this can lead to more division, rather than understanding.
Another key difference is that while empathy often focuses on inward reflection that allows you to mirror another person’s emotional state, compassion pushes you outward and encourages acting on the desire to alleviate someone’s hardship. Basically, compassion is about feeling for and not with others, according to a 2014 research study, and it even activates certain brain regions that are associated with reward processing.
'There is some cool neuroscience research showing that empathy and compassion have some overlapping brain regions that are associated with them, but they also have some distinct ones as well,' says Stern. 'So, you can kind of differentiate what's happening in the brain during empathy and compassion.'
There are some tricks for building empathy.
When it comes to preventing and resolving conflict in relationships, 'empathy is extremely important,' says Schumann. 'It fosters constructive behaviours that promote reconciliation, such as apologies and forgiveness.' Luckily, if you didn't experience empathy in your home environment or family of origin, 'you can still develop it as an adult by choosing people in your friendships, romantic relationships, and work context who model empathy,' adds Stern. In other words, if empathy is a skill that you’re hoping to cultivate within yourself, then it's worth surrounding yourself with individuals who embody empathic tendencies.
Research suggests that you can build empathic connections by intentionally investing effort to feel empathy for others. This might look like asking questions, engaging in empathic listening, examining your personal biases, finding common ground, and participating in a collaborative activity to learn more about another person and their viewpoints.
'Oftentimes, we don't feel empathy or we choose not to feel empathy because we anticipate that it'll be distressing to see or experience someone else's negative emotions,' says Schumann. But, 'when we engage in some sort of joint activity with someone, it allows us to come together in our vantage points and try to build a bridge across our differences, and that can help build empathy as well.'
Another great way to cultivate empathy is by reading fictional stories. 'When you read a work of fiction, you're kind of transporting yourself into the mind of another character. This is particularly powerful if you're reading about a character from another culture or with very different sets of experiences than you,' says Stern. 'It's been shown in experiments to increase people's empathy more so than reading a work of nonfiction or just an informational text.'
At times, it might feel tiring to empathise with others, especially during difficult or uncomfortable situations. However, 'it's important to know that those moments are actually really rewarding and fulfilling in the long run,' says Schumann. Plus, once you learn how to practice empathy, research shows that you can actually pass it down to younger generations. '[When an individual] has firsthand experiences of their emotions being understood and responded to in an empathetic way from a caregiver, they’re more likely to pay it forward and show those same types of empathic care to other people,' explains Stern.
Here’s how to turn empathy into compassion.
While some compassion may be innate, it can also be learned and strengthened. 'Compassion is one of the most important skills we can cultivate,' says Miller. 'It offers both our nervous system and those around us the safeness needed to live more heartfully.' If you’re looking to take positive actions to comfort and support others (including yourself!), here are a few tips to help you become a more compassionate person:
Find ways to help those in need.
Compassion is about taking action to alleviate suffering. With that in mind, consider offering your time to causes and organisations that matter to you. By working closely with individuals who are facing hardship, research suggests that you’re able to build stronger connections within your local community and better understand the human experience in its many varied forms. Plus, being in service to others creates a sense of purpose, and it allows you to make an immediate impact on those around you.
You can even engage in small gestures of compassion, like sharing a meal with someone who’s lonely, sending a heartfelt note to a friend who’s struggling, or offering words of encouragement to brighten a coworker’s day. 'What’s really special about compassion is it's framed in light of shared humanity,' says Neff. 'When you're in that compassionate state of mind, you actually feel more connected to others.'
Cultivate mindfulness through meditation.
Compassion is deeply rooted in ancient Buddhist traditions, which means there are a number of meditations that you can use to cultivate mindfulness and a compassionate outlook. One meditation is tonglen, a Tibetan Buddhist practice that involves breathing in the suffering of others, and breathing out peace and healing. 'Compassion is a flow. It goes from self to other, other to self, and self to self,' says Miller. 'So, we're working on just broadening that flow of compassion.'
Another powerful practice is the loving-kindness meditation, also known as metta meditation. You start by offering compassion to yourself, 'then expanding that out towards someone you care deeply about, to someone you feel neutrally about, to someone you might actively dislike, and then finally toward all beings,' explains Stern. These meditations work by enhancing your mental wellbeing, deepening your understanding of other people’s suffering, and making it easier to extend compassion to loved ones and strangers alike.
Practice self-compassion.
Once you learn how to practice compassion for others, it’s important to give that same support and kindness to yourself, too. One way to do that is by embodying your compassionate self through acting. 'Think of how your compassionate self would show up with wisdom, strength, and warmth,' says Miller. 'How would your posture and facial expressions be? You actually would walk around being that person.'
If you enjoy journaling, consider creating a compassionate thought record, which will allow you to put any negative self-talk onto paper and bring out a more compassionate perspective to difficult situations you’re dealing with. 'The point is to get out of your head, try to write from that hard place, and just let that flow,' adds Miller. 'That has been one of the most helpful practices for me.'
You can also comfort yourself through soothing touch, or write yourself a love letter. 'It's amazing how powerful putting your hands on your heart is, and saying to yourself, ‘I'm here for you,’' adds Neff. But even if you’re strapped for time, a recent UC Berkeley study found that just 20 seconds a day of self-compassion practice is all you need to increase your compassion skills and improve your mental health. 'You don't have to meditate for half an hour every morning,' says Neff. 'If you have 20 seconds, that's all you need.'
Meet the experts: Jessica A. Stern, PhD, is a developmental psychologist, researcher, and assistant professor of psychological science at Pomona College. Kristin Neff, PhD, is an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, and co-founder of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion. Racheli Miller, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of The Compassion Practice. Karina Schumann, PhD, is an associate professor of social psychology and conflict resolution researcher at the University of Pittsburgh.
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