People Are Sharing The Heartbreaking Moment When They Realized Their Family Wasn't "Normal," And I Want To Give Every One Of These People A Hug
Recently, we wrote about the moment people realized something was "off" about their family, and the BuzzFeed Community chimed in with their own heartbreaking responses. Here are 33 more stories from when people first knew their family wasn't right as a kid.*
*We also included some stories from the original Reddit thread.
NOTE: There are mentions of physical, psychological, and child sex abuse.
1."When I saw a friend's face after I told him one story (of many) where my mom came down the stairs after she realized I was on the phone after 10 p.m. (in high school) and approached me with a knife telling me she should kill me. Then, she stabbed the table. Then, she stated that she should stab herself…all because I was on the phone after 10 p.m."
—Anonymous
2."In first grade, when everyone else's parents came to the end-of-day performances, and my mom screamed at me and told me they were too busy. I never told them about another school performance and only ever asked to be dropped off for after-school activities/games/performances if I couldn't get a ride as I got older. I saw other parents lovingly pack lunch, remembering things my classmates needed for projects/school and sending them well prepared for the weather. I was very young when I started to other myself. I was more mature than all my classmates; they just didn't understand how to be grown. When in reality I was horribly neglected; I stopped asking for the things I needed very early because I knew I was going to get screamed at and punished."
"I worked as a nanny in my twenties for several very loving families who cared and were invested in their kids' day-to-day lives, and it furthered how uninterested my parents were in me and how ashamed they should be for their neglect. Thank god for my older sister, who is seven years my senior; she showed up at every single event she could for me until she moved away when I was in fifth grade."
3."I was having a serious life-threatening reaction to an anti-nausea medication after surgery. I remember waking up from a nap, and my arm was twitching; I couldn't stop it. I was 18 and obviously scared. I begged my mom to take me to the hospital. Both parents refused until I had a seizure. I realized my whole life that my mother and father had never believed me when I told them something was wrong. That was one of the first aha moments I realized I couldn't rely on them."
4."In the neighborhood I grew up in, doing at least county time was treated as a rite of passage. About half of my cousins and I have probably each done about six months to a year (some extended family members will be there for the rest of their lives). It was my ex-wife who pointed out that most families weren't so casual about breaking the law. It took me far too long to learn that I shouldn't steal from someone weaker than me and that I didn't need to attack someone for every perceived slight."
5."I thought everyone's mother smoked weed and snorted coke and took so many Xanax that it caused seizures. I only realized that this wasn't the norm when I went to high school, and my friends thought it was 'so cool' to smoke pot with my mom and talk about The Anarchist's Cookbook. After graduating and going to college and meeting my now husband and seeing how his home life was, I realized my childhood was not what it was supposed to be, or at least not 'normal.'"
—Anonymous
6."I had multiple moments like that, but the one I still think about the most is actually ironically menial. I'm 30. Seven years ago, I had already been in therapy for years to work through, amongst other things, the trauma my family's abuse had caused. I had already been through the 'Wait, other parents don't beat their kids senseless?' epiphany. But what broke me was my boyfriend's mother telling me that 'of course' she had used lactose-free products and 'obviously' the dessert had no hazelnuts the second ever time she met me. Not once in all this time had it occurred to me that I'm allowed to expect people not to feed me stuff that will literally put me in agony. ... My dad's a doctor, and my mom's a nurse."
7."My dad was very well-liked and popular amongst our religious community. He was very charming and jovial when we were around other people. I thought that all the nice men I knew would turn into rage monsters at the drop of a hat that would beat their wives and children, smash, stomp, and throw things around, completely destroying the inside of their homes and leaving it for their terrorized household to clean up. I remember feeling really sorry for the wife of a childless couple we knew at church. I wondered how she lived without children to protect her from her husband at home."
"I started dating my now-husband when we were sophomores in high school (in total secrecy, of course, because I wasn't allowed to date). From early on, he seemed puzzled and shocked about things I shared about my family life. I knew things weren't great, as in we didn't have a perfect TV family, but nobody did. Happy TV families are make-believe. When my boyfriend told me that he would never hit or hurt me, I thought that he was really sweet and believed that he actually believed what he was saying, but I laughed because he was so adorable and naive. He obviously didn't understand how real adult relationships work. Fast forward a little, and we were 19/20, newly married (less than a year), and having a dumb argument about I don't even remember what. Words that had never passed my lips (before or since) were hurled at him in anger when I yelled at him to 'shut the F up!' As soon as I said it, my entire body froze. I knew I'd done it and that I deserved the beating that was about to follow. I shrunk my body, closed my eyes tight, and braced myself for the blows. Nothing happened. Not understanding, I opened my eyes to see my husband standing there staring at me, utterly confused about what was happening. He asked me what I was doing. My response was, 'Aren't you going to hit me?' The confusion on his face deepened, tinged with a little hurt. He said, 'No, never. I told you I'll never put my hands on you that way.' Now I was the confused one: 'But I deserve it because of what I said to you.' He wrapped his arms around me and held me while my whole world view shattered. Until that moment, I hadn't even realized that I'd never truly trusted anyone before.
We're about to celebrate 19 years of marriage soon. There has never been violence in our home. It's not our children's job to protect me, and they've never had to live a day in a constant state of fight/flight/freeze mode. My husband opened my eyes to what a family and a home should be. I still love that man more every day."
—Anonymous
8."I realized something was 'off' about my family when classmates at school would be so glad to go home at the end of the day. As the school bus got closer to my house, all I felt was a sinking feeling of dread in my stomach. I didn't want to go home. 'Home' was a simmering, swirling cesspool of anger and resentment. My parents felt that way towards each other, my siblings, and me. Ultimately, that feeling spilled over to the rest of us. I will always love my parents, but I don't like them."
—Anonymous
9."My dad had a lot of wonderful qualities, and I did love him, but he had a temper and some emotional issues. There wasn't one single 'aha' moment, but more like a series. Once, when I was in high school, we had an exchange student living with us. We had gone out one weekend night, and friends drove us home, but we came home about 10 minutes or so past curfew. This was the pre-cell phone era. When we walked in, my dad began screaming at us for being late, grabbed me, shoved me back against the coat closet, and had his fist up to hit me. He stopped when he realized the exchange student was there."
"Another time, when I was about four or so, I got in trouble, and my mom said something about waiting until my dad got home. I ran to my room and shoved as much furniture in front of my door as I could so he couldn't get in, then refused to open the door. (He used to take a belt to my older brothers when they got in trouble.) I've been through therapy and am not close to the family I have left, and I am okay with that. They refuse to admit anything was wrong or talk about it."
—Anonymous
10."I never realized how normal people lived until I ran away from the abuse I couldn't take anymore. A family found me sitting on a sidewalk on the corner with no place to go about a week later. They asked me if I needed help, and I said no. But they persisted until I gave in because I was hungry and tired. They took me to their home and gave me clothes and food. They called my parents, who said they could have me. Today, I'm an engineer because they cared."
—Anonymous
11."When I was in seventh grade, I went to a friend's house after school, and she called her mom to check in. Before she hung up, I heard her say, 'I love you too, bye,' and I asked her, 'Do you say that every time you talk on the phone?' She looked at me like I was out of my mind and said, 'Yeah, all the time.' It was weird to me because my parents never said it."
—Anonymous
12."Casual cruelty was the norm. I was an abomination because I was conceived out of wedlock. My big shocker was when I was 16 and went to my friend's house after school. Her mom had made her a snack and a glass of milk. I had never had my mother make me a snack after school. That sort of a thing was for her son. Usually, she didn't even leave me leftovers from lunch. She left the dirty dishes to be cleared and cleaned, but never a snack."
"She truly hated me and encouraged me to kill myself. BTW, my parents were quite wealthy. I grew up a secret pauper."
—Anonymous
13."When I was a preteen, I became more interested in the news. I came across a story of the 'Horrific Abuse of Children' who were neglected, locked in a basement for hours on end, and ignored. I remember thinking at the time that it "wasn't that bad" until I read the comments on the article about how horrible it was and that no child should ever have to go through that. It made me recall the time a few years back when my parents found medicine on the counter and thought I or my sisters had gotten into it. The bottle was full, and the child safety cap was on and tightly closed. They kept interrogating us, but we all said that we didn't get into the medicine, so they locked us in the basement. It doesn't sound that bad, right? But this was in the middle of the night, in the middle of winter...in upstate New York. The basement was unfinished, so there was no heating or air conditioning. Winters, especially at night, are often below zero."
"My older sister and I huddled together underneath a mat, teeth chattering, shaking, and shuddering. I was crying because I was so cold, and the basement was scary. My younger sister was around five at the time, and she was so scared of the basement that she ran up the stairs to the door, screaming and sobbing while pounding on it until her knuckles were bruised. My parents got tired of her screaming, so they let her out after a while, but my older sister and I had to stay in the basement. It was awful, and I remember feeling so scared and angry in that moment, wondering why our parents didn't love us. The worst part is that my parents hurt us all so much, but despite that, we still loved them with all our hearts, like dogs. We always did what we were told, and even after we'd been kicked, we would still joyfully run to them with our tails wagging."
—Anonymous
14."When I was five, my cousin was 15. He would come to our house, and for some reason, my Mother would leave me with him while she went out shopping. He would make me do sexual things to him and act like he was crying if I did not. I didn't want him to cry, so I gave in. I finally got tired of it, and when I realized that my Mom had left me with him again, I locked myself in the bathroom until my Mom came home. She questioned why I did that, and I told her what he was making me do. She was furious with me, accused me of lying, and said to never tell anyone about it, or I would be in bad trouble."
"I WAS 5! I knew then something was not right about her relationship with me. To this day, I get sick thinking about it. I haven't seen him in 30 or so years, but I still feel dirty and used."
—Anonymous
15."We were never allowed to have closed or locked bedroom doors. My dad had to have access to everything whenever he wanted. He had no issues opening our mail. He opened my college admission letter without asking, despite not helping me at all with the application or any part of getting into college. At the same time, there were instances when he didn't care if we got an award at school or a significant raise at work. We were always on eggshells with him because he'd get angry or frustrated very easily or just wouldn't talk to us. It wasn't until I was in my forties that I realized he had bipolar disorder and had never sought treatment despite it causing problems at work as well as with family."
—Anonymous
16."When my mother locked me out of the house for refusing to wash each of her socks as a full load. I ended up walking to a friend’s house with just slippers on my feet and a thin nightgown in the middle of a blizzard at 2 a.m. I had to cross a highway. His Dad called my mom because he thought I had misunderstood. The look when he confirmed that was why my mother kicked me out was priceless. I stayed with them for six months until my mom manipulated me into coming back home. The only reason she wanted me home was to do massive parts of her job for her. I only stick around because I pity my father for putting up with her narcissistic abuse."
—Anonymous
17."Probably the third story of child sex abuse within the family. The following two involving 'family friends' were less shocking after the pattern. Then when one of my uncles suggested that I find a different therapist to help me get closer to the family instead of further, after being molested by another uncle for years, I knew we were fucked."
18."I didn't know that parents shouldn't throw furniture at you. The number of times I barely dodged a bookcase, chair, or plate is mind-boggling. And the sad part? If I hadn't been so good at dodging furniture flying through the air at me, people might have noticed that something was wrong. If I had been hurt and had to go to the hospital, I might've actually gotten some help from doctors, teachers, or any other adult in my life. But I never told anyone because I was so scared and because I didn't know that stuff like that didn't happen in other families. I didn't realize until I was an adult just how messed up my childhood was."
19."I didn't realize how messed up my family was until I was around seven years old, and my father told me to 'pack my bags, leave, and don't come back,' all because someone (my younger sister who was four years old) had stamped his chair. No one would admit who did it, but my parents got it into their head that it was me. I refused to admit something I didn't do, so they told me to leave. I remember packing my school backpack full of my favorite stuffed animals, nothing else, and sobbing because I couldn't take them all with me. My father continued yelling at me to leave, and I just stood by the door crying."
"Of course, he told me he 'didn't really mean it' and wanted to 'teach me a lesson.' He was my father! Of course I would believe anything he told me! I still can't believe my parents thought it was acceptable to threaten their children with things like that (like buying whips used on horses and cattle to beat us) just to scare us into doing things. I still believed for years that I was the one overreacting until my siblings admitted they often worried about what would happen if we all had to run away, where we would go, who we would call, where we'd get food, etc., because we always worried our parents would abandon us. When I think about what could have happened to me if I HAD run away, my heart breaks for that little girl because I was willing to risk it. She was so scared. And for the record, one swipe with a wet rag and that chair was as good as new."
—Anonymous
20."I (unfortunately) still find myself realizing the things my parents did when I was a child weren’t normal. When we would talk too much at dinner and it started to annoy my dad, he would get up, go down into the basement and get the hammer, then just rest it on the table (all without saying a word)."
"My mom had diabetes, and I have vivid memories of begging her to take a dex-tab to help her low blood sugar and her refusing to — and of her telling my sibling and me to use her emergency medication and never call 911 if we found her unconscious, because we'd get taken away from her. She squirreled away all the child support my dad gave her and convinced my sibling and me that we barely had enough money for basic groceries. She's a dentist, and my dad is a computer programmer."
21."When I was in high school and got my learner's permit, my dad had me drive everywhere, even on highways, when I hadn't gotten much experience or practice. It didn't take me long to figure out that he had me drive so he could get high on weed whenever he wanted. I was the high schooler who wasn't experimenting with drugs, while my 50-something-year-old dad was getting high nearly 24/7."
—Anonymous
22."My dad sat me down and asked me why I was so funny-looking. I was about eight then. My mom chimed in, saying, 'Oh, you poor thing, you take after me.' Another time, Dad was mad about something and swung a shovel at my head. I ducked in time. My dad took me to the mountains and said we were going to Santa's Village. I was so excited and thought he liked me. We got there, and he wanted to leave me there alone while he went off to go somewhere else. Another time, we were going to go fishing in the mountains. We got there, and he left me near the truck from morning until dark with no food. People walked by, and I hid the second time they came back. I thought they might take me. I was under 10. My friend Suzy didn't have to get A's in school or work in the yard all the time, but her dad loved her and had endearing names he would call her. She was lucky."
—Anonymous
23."As far back as I can remember, my older brother would beat me up. He once broke my nose and twisted my arm so badly that I had to wear a splint. He would punch me for no reason at all. The kicker was when I told my parents, they would tell me to stay away from him. How do you stay away from someone in a small house with five people? I'm now an older woman, and I still get flashbacks of him beating me up."
—Anonymous
24."When my mother died in my thirties. I googled 'How can a mother hate her own daughter,' and a whole slew of mental illness diagnoses came up. Eureka! Of course it was not normal to have your children walk around the property and hand pick up every leaf on the lawn, nor to never allow them to wash their hands in the bathroom (that dirtied the sink), nor to not let them use any part of the house including their rooms."
"She'd tell me — her daughter — to walk six miles to the library if I wanted to study, saying, 'After all, this is a home, not a library. Your brother can blast his heavy metal whenever he wants.' Or tell me I can't do my homework: 'Too bad, we are eating out — you can't hand in your book report.' She'd break wooden and then metal spoon handles while hitting me and pull my hair so hard it could have fallen out because I did not see there was lint on the floor. She'd tell me, 'You will never be as good a my son, you are nothing.' She was screaming at me on her death bed to the point the nurse wrote it in her medical records — 'Patient is extremely agitated at the daughter, who is crying.' I get it — I was a terrible daughter who cleaned the house every day, gave up my bed so she could sleep in it when she was getting divorced and paid for my own clothes, college, graduate school, etc. Terrible me — worrying about her. She wrote an essay I found after her death, outlining how I was responsible for her and her son's terrible life. I laughed when I saw it — my husband said he wished she was alive so he could never speak to her again. Let's not even talk about the biological father, who — after the divorce — lost contact with his 'offspring' (as he put it). I see those movies where children reignite with their estranged parents, and everything is happily ever after — huh? God, I am in my 50s, and it still upsets me to see all the 'normal' families out there and also think about how much children with bad families suffer, not only in childhood but also in adulthood. I wonder what I would have done if I had the love and support to pursue my dreams and not instead be focused purely on survival. I never did have children and my childhood was a big reason for that. All I can say is I wish I were normal, with normal parents and a normal family of my own — but children of dysfunction have an uphill battle, and there are battle scars that carry with you your whole life."
—Anonymous
25."When my parents left me with a predatory male babysitter to go to the bar. I was eight. I told them two years later as I was too scared at the time. Nothing happened. My mum's words were, 'Don't tell anyone what happened; we don't want people to know what you are.' That hurt as much as being left with a predator."
—Anonymous
26."Honestly, it took me years to figure that out. I assumed every family had hideous knock-down, drag-out fights that were obsessively hashed over for years. I figured all dads stayed out without warning on some nights, and all mothers turned kids into marriage therapists. ... I assumed every family had a cache of moving boxes from relocating every year. I also figured every 'I love you' was followed by 'but,' and every mistake mattered more than any success. I thought that's how all families functioned; they just hid it away from the neighbors, like we did. I was in my late twenties when I found a book about a chaotic, loving but unreliable and emotionally undermining family the central character both hated and loved. I felt like someone had turned the light on in my world."
—Anonymous
27."When I was told not to talk to my friends about certain things that happened at home because 'you don't share everything with nonfamily members' and 'they won't understand.'"
28."I'm the youngest of three siblings (born 80/81/85). I had an intense feeling of 'what's wrong here?' when having a sleepover at a schoolmate's home at the age of around 10 or 11. His family just spent time together, had fun, laughed, and showed how much they loved each other, just like a functional family should. I spent the time sitting on their sofa and watched them dancing and having fun with lots of question marks in my head. Like, I had no idea what to do since our parents never showed us to have fun together."
"I had a hard time learning how to show affection or just sympathy to other human beings and not to feel awkward with hugs or cuddling."
—Anonymous
29.Similarly..."My dad told me when I was very young that I shouldn't 'complain' to my maternal grandmother about the horrible treatment I got from my stepmother. He told me that I should be 'vanilla' and only talk about mild things because everyone likes vanilla. He didn't like being lectured by my grandma for letting me be subjected to abuse, I guess. I didn't even realize that the things I was telling her were bad. I thought it was all normal, and I was just casually sharing things about my life with her."
30."I went to the mall with a friend a few years ago and said, 'Wow, it's so nice to be at the mall with someone who isn't going to have a meltdown if they feel like we've been here too long.' My friend stared at me and said, 'Same…but I have a toddler.' I was talking about my mom."
31."When I met my girlfriend's family and they were warm and actually enjoying each other's company, I thought, 'Huh, they actually LIKE each other.' I didn't know that was actually a thing."
—Anonymous
32."I had always known my childhood was abnormal in a bad way. But when my mom told me her friend had decided to learn how to tutor her son in his final Chemistry exams as he had to pass with incredibly high grades to get into University (which he did), I had this huge realization that Mum had never shown up to any parent/teacher conferences. She never asked how my sister or I were getting on at school and only commented when our grades weren't great. This is just one of many examples of how she failed us. One of the best decisions I ever made was to cut her out of my life. She is the definition of narcissism."
—Anonymous
33."When I was ten, I found out that parents gave their kid water to help them swallow a damn pill, without screaming, cursing, or clamping their damn hands around your mouth or pinching your nose to force you to swallow. That wasn't just something that I saw on TV or in the movies."
—Anonymous
Now we have a new question — when did you realize something was off about your partner's family? Let us know in the comments or via this anonymous form.
Submissions have been edited for length/clarity.
