MAFS UK’s Emma: ‘I’m in my 30s and I’ve never had a boyfriend — but there’s more to life than romance’
“Oh… Why do you think that is?”: the invariable response to the revelation that I’m a single woman in her 30s who’s never had a long-term relationship.
Why do I think that is? I’ve always thought that was a strange question. Not to mention a total cliché. What do they expect me to say? That I’m single because — to paraphrase pop culture’s most famous ‘spinster’, Bridget Jones — underneath my clothes, my body is covered in scales?
By the time you’re in your 30s, even if you have your dream job and a bustling social life, it can feel like you’re incomplete without a partner, or that you’re behind on life. When you are seeing someone, questions inevitably come up about ‘stages’, and someone — without fail — will say, ‘I hear wedding bells’ (PSA: stop doing this). And then when you’re single again, it’s back to feeling like you’re part of a pity party.
Despite there being more never-married women living outside of a couple than ever in the UK, there’s still a huge amount of stigma associated with being a single woman in your 30s (and, god forbid, beyond). And, although I reject this stigma and know that you don’t need romantic love to be happy, there are still moments when I feel, well, sad about never having had a boyfriend. That’s partly why I applied for Married At First Sight UK: I needed answers to the inevitable ‘what’s wrong with me?’ feeling that lingers after years on the apps. Love is the reason we’re all here on this planet, and it’s the one part of life I feel like I’ve failed at.
Besides, for better or worse, it’s just more practical to have a partner. You’re much more financially stable if you’ve got two salaries to split the rent or get a mortgage (a girl can dream), or if there’s someone to share household responsibilities with. I don’t know how single mothers do it! Even fur barbies require two walks a day. I would love someone to be there after a crappy day at work for a cuddle and a kiss, to laugh together and learn deeply about one another.
And yet, there are benefits to being single: experts have suggested that women who never marry or have children are the healthiest and happiest population subgroup. Armed with this knowledge, it’s no wonder that women have started to embrace their singledom. Instead of embarking on loveless relationships, for example, more women are opting for solo IVF or freezing their eggs. And, thanks in part to Taylor Swift, we’re even reclaiming archaic stereotypes, like the ‘childless cat lady’.
Plus, contrary to popular discourse, dating is fun! Sure, it’s hard work (especially if you’re a woman who doesn’t fit Western beauty standards); navigating five Hinge conversations, all small-talking for days or weeks before you finally go out for a drink is a graft. But it’s also fascinating. Some of my best nights out have been at the end of a date, a bottle of rosé down, having a snog.
A boyfriend also doesn’t have to be the end goal — dating can just be a chance to have fun, flirt, and get laid. Sure, your mother might ask why on earth none of your dates have been suitable enough for you, but you’re in your 30s: you know yourself and what you want, and you don’t have to settle for less. My life is full already. I don’t need to waste evenings on shitty second dates just to put myself out there. I value my time more than that.
That’s not to say I don’t feel a pang of sadness when I watch my friends hitting life milestones: buying houses, getting engaged. (Okay, I did technically have a wedding on MAFS, but it wasn’t a legal marriage.) But at 25, when my coupled-up friends were settling down, I had my own transformative moment.
In 2018, I was on another average date at my local pub when I heard a large cheer from a group of people in running gear. Abandoning my date, I strode up to the group and asked, ‘Are you runners that… drink?!’. Since then, we’ve become great friends. We’ve been on skiing holidays, weekend breaks, and recently we even went to the wedding of two runners who met in the group (they’re 40 and 50, FYI). Here was a group of people — many never married and without children — who had houses, good jobs, who still partied at Glastonbury, and who had found a collective spirit in enjoying life outside of settling down with a family.
This chance meeting ended up being the poignant life event I shared as part of my MAFS application. This group of friends have given me hope that even if I don’t find a partner, life will be okay. There’ll always be non-relationship milestones to celebrate for you and your friends — completing that couch to 5k, cheering on your mate’s promotion, hosting dinner parties purely because you’ve got more homegrown tomatoes than you know what to do with.
Life is about relationships — plural. And single life is about putting yourself out there, whether that’s on a first date or by embarking on a hobby with a group of middle-agers.
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