This is how we do it: ‘I’m a feminist, but what turns me on in the bedroom runs counter to my convictions’
Rebecca, 57
The first time we had sex, I remember being excited by how commanding he was in bed. My fantasies had always revolved around a dominant figure
I used to invent excuses to avoid sex with my ex-husband. Headaches, exhaustion, two-week-long periods. I wrote myself off as a woman with a low libido – which was odd, because I’d always enjoyed masturbating. But when I was 52 – and divorced – for the first time in my life I started noticing men in the street, and wondering what it would feel like to touch them. One of the things that initially attracted me to Tom were his legs. We’d worked together for years, but suddenly I kept thinking about his knees, which are beautifully muscular.
Tom and I ended up kissing one night after a work dinner, then things moved quickly. The first time we had sex, I remember being excited by how commanding he was in bed. My fantasies had always revolved around a dominant figure telling me what to do – but I’d never confided in my husband about those imaginary scenarios. I’m a strong feminist, and being aroused by submission seemed like a shameful thing. But I felt able to speak to Tom about my fantasies.
The whole thing is a form of play. If Tom ever suggested a rule I didn’t like, I’d have no problem telling him
Tom posted a vibrator to me once, which prompted a little erotic game between us: he told me I wasn’t allowed to open it until he said so. I begged him to let me, and he kept saying no – and we both realised this push-and-pull was a huge turn-on. Tom has been in dominant/submissive relationships before, so he has more experience than me. He introduces new rules, and my job is to stick to them. For example, he implemented a rule where every weeknight I have to be in bed by 10pm. We live separately, so I text him when I’m going to bed, and every text creates a sexual charge between us.
The whole thing is a form of play. If Tom ever suggested a rule I didn’t like, I’d have no problem telling him. Also, I am what is called a “brat” in the BDSM community – it means part of the thrill for me is finding loopholes in Tom’s instructions, and pushing back. I am very strong-minded, and that’s why I love relinquishing control in bed. If anyone else told me what to do it would be a disaster. Tom is the only person who I will – for want of a better word – obey.
Callout
Tom, 67
The power games we enact outside the bedroom are just as important as what we do together when we’re naked
After our first kiss, Rebecca sent me a one-line email, saying: “Are you any good at dancing?”. I sent a really earnest message back saying I was a terrible dancer. No coordination at all. Her reply was amazing. She said, “I was using dancing as a euphemism for sex. Are you any good at sex?” I fell in love with Rebecca on the spot when I saw that email. From the very beginning, I’ve felt I could tell her anything about myself, and she would never judge me. We live separately, and often spend several hours a day on the phone together. We talk with unflinching honesty about sex.
We first started experimenting with a dominant/submissive dynamic when I sent Rebecca a vibrator in the post. Jokingly, I told her she wasn’t “allowed” to open it for a whole week, when we were next due to see each another. She started begging me to relent, and I could tell she found it exciting when I held the line.
Rebecca and I discuss my ‘orders’ – and if she isn’t sexually excited by a rule, it is immediately scrapped
We’ve been together for three years now, and have developed a whole series of power games. I’ve set Rebecca a bed time, and she asks me to choose her outfits when we go out together. Rebecca and I discuss my “orders” at length before we mutually agree on them – and if she isn’t sexually excited by a rule, it is immediately scrapped. When we’re actually having sex, I’m dominant too. But the power games we enact outside the bedroom are just as important as what we do together when we’re naked.
What turns me on in my sexual life sits in opposition to all of my most deeply held political convictions. I believe that women are equal to men, and so the fact that it arouses me to control a woman makes me uncomfortable. Rebecca and I discuss that moral ambiguity all the time, and the closest we have come to explaining it is that I am not truly controlling her because it’s consensual. The taboo around male dominance is also part of what makes it so exciting.
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