I've been ghosted in my 50s – why do I feel so mortified?
Hattie MacAndrews
·5-min read
Ghosting is sadly common in the world of dating (Getty)
Dating in midlife can be difficult. As well as emotional baggage and wounds from past relationships, we also have higher standards and we're clearer on what we want.
Which is why finding a connection feels so special, and to discover the spark wasn't reciprocated is extra hurtful.
I've been divorced for a couple of years and finally plucked up the confidence to put myself out there and start dating again. I went on several dates with a really great guy, and it seemed like we were on the same page.
We made plans to meet the following week, but I never heard from him again. He has since stopped replying to my messages and unfriended me on Facebook. I'm driving myself crazy trying to figure out where it went wrong or what I could have done to make him run away. Is it irrational to be upset after just three dates?
Ghosting is sadly common in dating (Getty)
Hattie's advice for coping with ghosting
Please forgive the incredible cliché, but this is the absolute and only truth in this scenario – it's not you, it's them. Now please read that again, and again and again until you start to believe it.
Being ghosted is a relatively new, wildly distressing dating phenomenon, which has spread through singletons like the plague. It seems no one is safe, whether you met online or through friends, you're in your twenties or your sixties.
Hattie MacAndrews has solid advice for anyone who has been ghosted
As a confidence coach, the vast majority of my work is centered around and dating and relationships, and I am astounded on a daily basis by the number of women I see who fall victim to being ghosted. Some after a date or two, and some after spending months together.
The sudden absence can throw you into a complete spin, and force you to question every move you made, message you sent and conversation you had, trying to find the answer to that million dollar question – 'What did I do wrong?'
I cannot emphasise how important it is for you to understand that this is on them, not you. It is more likely than not, you did absolutely nothing wrong. It may well be that he wasn't feeling the connection, didn't want to make a commitment or suddenly got spooked – all of which are okay.
It's easy to forget when you're in the thick of the dating madness, why you are doing this in the first place. We 'date' people to suss them out and see how compatible we are, and if one person isn't feeling it, that's perfectly natural and acceptable.
The part that is not okay is the disappearing. The radio silence. The complete 180 from previous communication. Would it kill them to find the courage to pick up the phone? Or send a quick message? The silence can be deafening and incredibly cruel to be on the receiving end of.
It's better to find someone's true colours sooner rather than later (Getty)
What this behaviour does do, however, is highlight a person's true colours. If you've formed a relationship (of sorts) with someone and you've had a good time with them but you're not feeling it anymore, there (should) be nothing wrong with sending a polite message to explain this.
It's a small act that demonstrates a basic level of respect. To ghost instead shows a lack of integrity, cowardice and is an almighty red flag. It says so much about a person. And in time, you can be thankful that you were shown this behaviour sooner rather than later.
So no, you are not crazy. Your feelings are not irrational. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. You are well within your rights to feel confused and frustrated. But please, don't shoulder blame that isn't yours.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where people are always looking for instant gratification, a next quick fix. Whether this is through incessant swiping or serial dating, it can be rough out there. Don't get stuck in a self-blaming cycle of 'what ifs'. Don't think this was about you, and don't let this set a precedent moving forward.
There is absolutely nothing rational about falling in love. It's a terrifyingly wild experience filled with so many emotions – logic often being left behind. Try and shift your mindset to think this is one more person moved out of your path to finding true love.
Take this experience as a lesson, and please oh please don't pay it forward! Use it to shape how you treat others and encourage friends to do the same – with a little dignity, grace and kindness to the other person. You will feel SO much better for it!
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