Dear Richard Madeley: My ex-wife is meddling in my daughter’s wedding
Dear Richard,
My wife left our family some years ago. I brought up my son, in his early teens, and older daughter on my own. My daughter is now getting married and my ex is putting pressure on her not to invite any of my side of the family – her aunt or any cousins – because they would “make her feel uncomfortable” at the wedding.
This is deeply unfair, but my daughter has caved in for an easy life. What should be a joyous day has turned into a trial to get through, and has put a great strain on my relationship with my daughter as she is effectively going to cut the ties with half of her extended family. While I will support her on the day, I am concerned this will prey on my mind for the rest of my life. What should I do?
— Gary, via Telegraph.co.uk
Dear Gary,
I think you must make every effort to see this through your daughter’s eyes. You should have huge sympathy for her position. Because none of this is her doing, is it? It wasn’t her fault that her mother left all those years ago, was it? Whatever issues lay between you and your then wife, they were a matter for you, not your children. They bore no responsibility for the breakdown of their parents’ marriage.
And today? Was it your daughter’s suggestion that your wider family be excluded from her wedding? No. It came from her mother (utterly unacceptably and selfishly, in my opinion). But it put your daughter in an impossible position. She was effectively being asked to choose between her mother and her cousins. What was she to do? I feel incredibly sorry for her. What a weight to place on a bride-to-be on one of the most important days of her life! I feel as cross towards your ex as if I knew her! She should be ashamed of herself.
But we are where we are. Your daughter made her choice – a choice forced upon her, not taken willingly – and to me, under the circumstances, it was a completely understandable one. Of course she wants both her parents to be at her wedding.
So the duty falls on you, Gary, to put your arms around your daughter, tell her you completely understand, that you love her to pieces, and you’ll do everything you can to make her special day a resounding success.
And then, if I can speak to you as one dad to another, you must get over it. Enough of “this will prey on my mind for the rest of my life”, Gary! I sympathise with you, truly I do, but there’s no room for that kind of sentiment or, dare I say it, histrionics. Don’t wallow in this. Make it work, for your daughter’s sake. That’s your job, as her dad. Do everything in your power to reassure her that you understand the situation she’s been forced into. And then give her a wonderful wedding day.
Meanwhile, as far as your ex is concerned, if I were you I’d just be grateful that such a selfish, narcissistic, manipulative person was no longer in my life.
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