Colbert on early voting: ‘Same people who have already done their Christmas shopping’

Late-night hosts talk women outpacing men in early voting, Elon Musk’s million-dollar giveaway for Donald Trump and the proliferation of campaign emails.

Stephen Colbert

With less than two weeks until the presidential election, 17 million people have already voted early, Stephen Colbert reported on Tuesday’s Late Show. “These are the same people who have already done their Christmas shopping, already have their next Brita filter soaking,” he joked.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, women are voting early at higher rates than men. “Women are getting out there and getting it done!” Colbert exclaimed. “Of course, men plan to vote at 6.45 on election night and show up with a gift they obviously bought at the gas station.”

In other campaign news, Kamala Harris broke the record for the biggest fundraising quarter ever with $1bn. “That is so much money,” said Colbert, enough that he mocked up a text to the Harris campaign: “Hi there, it’s Stephen Colbert. I’m writing today to ask you to donate $5 in honor of my next almond croissant. The work we do right now could very well decide the future of my yum-yums. Tim Walz and I thank you. Text STOP to confirm I will NEVER stop texting you.”

Related: Jon Stewart: ‘We have officially entered into the fever dream portion of the campaign’

Harris has been trying to court former Republicans, even hitting the campaign trail with Republican former representative Liz Cheney, who took a swipe at her former colleague and noted Trump supporter Lindsey Graham. “Don’t listen to Lindsey Graham,” she said. “That’s good life advice, actually.”

“That’s what we call a Graham slam!” Colbert joked, before coming up with some of his own: “What’s the difference between Lindsey Graham and a book? Books have spines.”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be so mean to you, senator,” he continued. “If I keep bullying you like this, you’ll endorse me for president.”

Seth Meyers

On Late Night, Seth Meyers cited an earlier report that 9 million people have cast their ballots in the general election through early voting. Or, as Meyers put it: “Nearly 9 million people are asking the candidates to please stop texting them.”

Trump spoke at the Al Smith Memorial Dinner in New York last week, and sat next to Cardinal Timothy Dolan. “I’m not sure what they talked about, but immediately afterward, Dolan moved Trump to another parish,” Meyers quipped.

At his first solo event in support of Donald Trump, Elon Musk encouraged attendees to pester their friends and family who were not yet registered to vote. “Adding, ‘I would, if I had either of those,’” Meyers joked.

And the Brazilian supreme court has lifted its ban on X after the social media platform formerly known as Twitter blocked accounts accused of spreading misinformation. “And now the only user left is a bot that posts a puppy every hour,” Meyers said.

The Daily Show

And on The Daily Show, guest host Michael Kosta mocked Musk – “a man of gravitas. A man of dignity,” he deadpanned. “A man with roughly a 4in vertical leap and president of the funny tummy club.”

“But he’s also the richest man in the world,” he continued. “He’s so rich, he bought Twitter just to drive it into the ground for his own personal pleasure. And now he’s thinking, ‘Well, what if I did the same with America?’”

In his support of Donald Trump, Musk has initiated a daily million-dollar giveaway to anyone who signed his petition in support of “free speech” and the right to bear arms.

“Wow, Elon is giving away $1m to his fans. Now they can afford the best anime girlfriend pillow money can buy,” Kosta joked. “So, how exactly does this bribe – sorry – gift work?”

According to Musk, the million dollars comes with the condition that the recipient be a spokesperson for the petition. He then summarily sent the inaugural winner, John Dreher, off the stage.

“That’s how uncharismatic Elon Musk is – he can hand someone a million dollars and they’re just like, ‘So, I can just go now?’” Kosta laughed. “I’ve seen people more excited to win a dishwasher on The Price Is Right.”