Why is 'she loves herself' still an insult?
When I was at school, telling another girl, "You love yourself," was the ultimate putdown.
But I left school 18 years ago and can't understand why this phrase is still being used as an insult. Love Island host Maya Jama called one of her followers out on it last week. Maya shared a typically flawless photo of herself online and someone commented: "Oh my god, you love yourself so much," to which Maya replied, "Don't worry, you can love yourself too."
According to life coach Mhairi Todd, Maya's approach is key to shouting down these comments. "If it comes directly to you, a simple, 'Thank you, I've been working hard to do so,' can shut that commentary down."
It's not just Maya, 28, who's being shamed for loving herself, though. 63-year-old Ruth Langsford was lambasted for her confidence earlier this week, too.
Ruth, who recently split from her husband of 14 years and likely needs support, not tearing down, dared to share a video of herself enjoying a singsong with her friends, prompting endless "She loves herself sooooo much," comments. So where does this belief that loving yourself is negative come from?
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Why is 'she loves herself' an insult?
"In our patriarchal society, confident women who know their worth can be considered a threat," explains Mhairi. "Criticism is an effective way to neutralise that threat. 'She loves herself' is another jibe used to elicit control."
Positive body and mindset champion Danielle Broadbent agrees: "Society often places expectations on women to be modest and humble. When a woman demonstrates confidence and self-assurance, it breaks the norm and can lead to criticism."
Insecurity
Maya and Ruth's admirable confidence also comes into play as to why they're shamed for loving themselves as it shines a spotlight on the insecurity of others, explains Mhairi.
"A close companion of societal control is insecurity. When someone is envious of a woman's abilities, throwing out a 'She loves herself' is an attempt to tear her down. The implication being, whatever talent she has or gift she is sharing, it's too much and in some way wrong."
Danielle seconds Mhairi's comments, explaining: "A confident, unapologetic and self-assured woman can be seen as a threat by those who feel less secure in themselves. It can lead to jealousy and discomfort and the term 'She loves herself' is used in a degrading, negative way rather than being used positively."
If we feel negatively about ourselves, we can struggle to admire people who feel good about themselves, Danielle continues.
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"Someone's own insecurities can lead to them viewing self-love in others negatively. It highlights their own self-consciousness. They feel threatened and envious of such a self-assured woman.
"It really is such a shame that another woman's success, appearance or situation can lead to such negative behaviours aimed at 'bringing her down a peg or two' and interrupting her inner peace."
Learning self-love
Loving ourselves is the first step in crushing the 'She loves herself' insult, Danielle says. "We need to encourage people to love themselves unapologetically and set an example to our younger generation, raising them to embrace who they are confidently without question, to love everything about themselves positively.
"Self-love is about self-respect and wellbeing, not arrogance and inflated egos, we need to spread this message more and actively work to debunk stereotypes that encourage women to be natural rivals.
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"As strong, confident, self-loving women let's stand together and help one and other reframe loving ourselves as a positive thing. If we foster the idea that supporting others in their journey to self-love is beneficial for everyone, phrases such as 'She loves herself,' can surely start to be used and promoted in a positive manner rather than a negative.
Loving ourselves without judgement
"Discovering that celebrating others and allowing them to love themselves without judgement is not going to hold you, your success or your life in general back by acknowledging someone else's and I feel that a lot of women struggle with this massively," Danielle adds.
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"Let's rewrite this self-confidence story and promote social harmony. Loving ourselves is vital for personal health, it helps mitigate negative emotions such as anxiety, depression and self-doubt.
"If we practise and encourage more self-love and adopt a more positive mindset, I truly believe that more and more women can be true to their authentic selves, without fear of judgement and live much more fulfilling, happier lives."
