Parents Are Revealing The Parenting "Lies" You Should Stop Believing
We recently asked parents of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us which parenting "lies" and misconceptions people should stop believing. Here's what they had to say:
1."People need to stop having an 'ideal' about parenting. It's just not going to be that pretty, easy, or perfect. Parenting is hard, soul-crushing, heartbreaking, wild, beautiful, and frustrating. Sometimes, all on the same day."
"So, your baby didn't latch, or they have the 5 o'clock crying jags, your house is a mess, your legs are hairy, and you don't remember what you bought that morning at the grocery store. It's all okay. It's normal. Give yourself a break. Enjoy this time. Enjoy this stage. Be kind to yourself."
2."That holding and skin-to-skin contact with your baby/toddler (also teen and adult...don't judge me LOL) will 'spoil' them. I had my dad lavish me with nurturing, affirming affection, and my mom withheld affection until I'd 'earned' it. When they divorced, she withheld more and more, and our relationship became transactional. Unfortunately, it's still that way today. Fortunately, I retained my dad's affinity for closeness. My daughter and I have a very healthy, close relationship."
"When she was a baby/toddler, all she wanted to do was be next to me. It cost me nothing. I knew that one day, there might be something she'd want that I couldn't give her, so why not have her live in the kangaroo carrier as long as she could? I didn't want her to share the anxiety I suffered with due to never bonding with my mother."
3."That breastfeeding is easy. It was physically the hardest and most painful thing I had to do. For me, it was worse than childbirth. I felt like I was being tortured; it crushed my spirit as I felt I couldn't feed my baby like I wanted."
"People often focus on birth but not postnatal anything — like recovery, how for months your hormones could be so off, etc."
4."I think a common misconception about parenting is that anyone KNOWS the right way to parent. I'm sorry, no matter how many books you read or classes you take, your child will not receive parenting the same way as anybody else's. Parenting is like anything else: You do the best you can, learn from your mistakes, and do what works best for them."
"Nothing can tell you how good of a job you did other than your kid, especially once they grow up."
5."'Enjoy it now; it gets harder'" or 'Just wait until XX age; you'll think this was easy.' Every stage of parenting has different struggles. I don't think one stage is the hardest or easiest. This advice is invalidating to a struggling parent. I personally found the newborn stage the hardest, so for me, parenting keeps improving as my son grows up. I know people who thought the newborn stage was the easiest. It all depends on the parent and child."
"Every stage has ups and downs; most stages have far more ups than downs."
—Anonymous, 36, Ohio
6."That there is this mysterious maternal instinct that makes women intuitively know what their baby needs and makes it easy for them to care for it. It's so much more complicated. Everyone has to learn to be a parent as they go and continue to learn with each new phase and each child. It's tough for everyone. Women, however, are typically expected to be, yes, a little tired, of course, but mostly happy and able to figure it all out. They do it because there is no fallback option. We HAVE to figure out the feeding. We HAVE to soothe the baby until it finally stops screaming. We HAVE to change our lives around the little ones when nobody else can watch them."
"New fathers are held to a much lower standard, and on the flip side, are sadly deemed less important or capable even to care for their child. But you know what? Embrace the role, believe you are the best parent you can be for your child, and roll with it. Us mothers have no clue either and are happy to share the burden and weirdness of figuring it out together."
—Anonymous, 31, Germany
7."People should stop believing it's easy to control your kids. The whole, 'Oh, I would NEVER let MY kids behave like that!' or I love people that say, 'My parents would have hit me if I acted like that!' Trust me, it's not that easy. Sometimes, people's kids are just having a bad day, might have some sort of disability (like my son), or just simply have a mind of their own!"
"So, when you see a poorly behaved kid, don't assume parents don't discipline them or aren't trying to teach them how to behave properly in society — especially if they're toddlers. We're working on it!"
—Anonymous, 44
8."The shift between being the most important person in your life to being absolutely NOT the most important person in your life is massive. And it often makes it hard to relate to people who don't have children."
9."I think we're living in a time where the challenges and difficulties of parenting are discussed more than the rewards. Being a parent is, by far, the most rewarding part of my life. I had my kids in my late 30s. I had a profession, a supportive, loving husband, and many kid-free, fun experiences. I was READY to have kids and never missed a single or child-free life. My kids are now young adults, and we still spend much time together and enjoy one another's company. They are lovely people that I am proud of every day."
"They have given my life the most meaning. I would recommend waiting to have kids until you feel ready and can give them a lot of attention and not feel like they're taking you away from other, more important things. No one really knows what they're getting into when they decide to have kids, but don't let that part of the experience — the unknown — keep you from what might be the best part of your life."
10."My baby is 3 months old. All I heard my entire pregnancy was, 'Just wait; you'll never sleep again. You're going to want babysitters blah, blah, blah,' but honestly, no matter how tired I am, I wouldn't trade that extra time with my boy for anything. I'd run on three hours of sleep for the rest of my life just to have a little extra time."
—Anonymous, 28, Tennessee
11."These are not necessarily 'lies,' but a couple of lessons stick out: 1) It's normal and perfectly OK if you do not immediately feel a bond with your kid. I think this tends to impact fathers often, though all parents can feel it. I didn't feel any sort of connection to two of my three daughters for weeks after they were born. It suuuuucked, too! It can take time, and you need to work at it (mostly by being an engaged parent), but I repeat: it's NORMAL and OK!"
"2) There is no one-size-fits-all answer to raising kids, even your own. What works for one is not going to work with the other. All you can do is react and, essentially, work with what you have."
12."The idea that the kid needs to fit into your lifestyle. I've seen many people pre-kids tell me that 'a kid is not going to change my life; they will learn to adjust around me.' To an extent, this is true. My younger kids were flexible; they learned to nap in their strollers and eat what was available because they were often hauled to their older siblings' activities. But when you have kids, your life will change significantly, and you'll have to be okay with that."
"I see people at Walmart at midnight with a screaming toddler, and they can't understand why the kid is melting down. Can you still travel with kids, take them places, and live your life? Sure, but to an extent. When your kids are young, your life will revolve around their eating and sleep times, and when they're older/school-age, it will somewhat revolve around their schedules and activities. Some of that can't be avoided — no matter how much someone tells you otherwise.
13."People will tell you they would LOVE to help when the baby comes! Let them know if you need anything! They want to babysit! Parents need breaks; they totally get it! This is a lie. Do not believe them. This includes grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Plan to do this alone or with paid help only. The village is dead."
—Anonymous, 33, New York
"There is no village. No one is coming to help you. It's you and your partner (if you're lucky to have a great one) for it."
—Anonymous, 37, USA
14."That your kids will love you and appreciate you once they become adults. Even when you've done your very best, not only out of obligation but because the child flat-out gives you joy, they may turn on you."
—Anonymous, 55, Tennessee
15."That you'll never sleep again. I loathe hearing, 'Say goodbye to sleeping,' and even 'Sleep when the baby sleeps' drives me up the wall, too. Sure, the first few months are rough, but by six months, MOST babies are sleeping through the night. And the whole 'sleep when the baby sleeps' sure, and so laundry when the baby does laundry, do the dishes when the baby does the dishes. Just stop."
"You’ll get into a rhythm. It might take a few months, but it’ll happen."
—Anonymous, 38, Arizona
16."That parents simply know what is best. My advice: Talk to your kids, find out what is going on, and develop what works best for everyone because the parents don't know what's best."
—48, USA
And finally...
17."Trust me, parents, you WILL have favorites. Well, maybe I should put it a different way. You will love all of your children equally, and you will love them with such a deep love that you never knew was even possible before your kids came into your lives. However, there will be times when you prefer one child more than the other (e.g., when my twins were 2 years old, one threw a MAJOR tantrum one day because I didn't get him the toy he wanted at Target, but the other one was present and understood when I told her no). These preferences will stay for a short period, though."
"I love my five kids; sometimes, some of them can be more difficult than others. It's a natural part of parenting."
—Anonymous, Wisconsin
Parents, what are some other "lies" or misconceptions that people should stop believing? Feel free to tell us in the comments below, or if you prefer to remain anonymous, you can use this Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
