No 'Spark'? No Problem—Here's Why A 'Slow-Burn' Relationship Can Be The Strongest
On reality dating shows, true love is all about the so-called spark. Whether it's finding a match in the pods of Love Is Blind or receiving the first impression rose on The Bachelor, contestants often have only limited time to form a solid connection, and in some cases, get engaged. The strength of a relationship is often measured by the speed at which two people can “get there.” Those who can’t match the pace, often leave without love—while those who have an effortless, quick, whirlwind of a love story move onto the next phase of their relationship after only a few short weeks or dates. After all, “when they know, they know.”
But not all love stories unfold like this. In Love Island USA season 6, viewers saw a different reality when winners Serena Page and Kordell Beckham took their time transitioning from a ‘friendship couple’ to America’s sweethearts. They not only proved to millions that slow and steady truly does win the race, but showed the oft-overlooked strength of “the slow burn.”
A slow-burn relationship “takes an extended period of time to develop emotionally, relationally, or sexually,” says Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, a professor of relational and sexual communication at California State University, Fullerton. (Worth noting: That “extended” amount of time will still vary from person to person, based on factors like age, personality type, or partner, she adds.)
Some slow-burn relationships happen because two people begin as friends and don’t have an initial element of passion, infatuation, or physical chemistry. Other times, external situational factors can cause a romance to take months or even years to blossom. For example, maybe you go on a date with someone, but their job or a family circumstance relocates them for a few months and you don’t have the chance to see where your relationship could have gone, had it had the time to develop. Similarly, you could meet a friend of a friend while you're both in relationships, and what starts as a purely platonic connection turns romantic years later when you're both single.
Slow-burn relationships tend to be rooted in three things: friendship, a strong foundation of trust, and the experience of love deepening as the connection progresses, says Molly Burrets, PhD, a therapist and adjunct professor at the University of Southern California. “It might feel more like a friendship with a small spark of attraction or passion, rather than a big flame of attraction and passion with a small bit of friendship,” she says. While a slow-burn relationship might not have the flashy fireworks of “love at first sight,” once that small spark grows into a flame, it’s typically worth the wait.
Feeding The Flame
Your personality type plays a big role in determining the pace at which you move in relationships. Slow-burn relationships are common amongst introverts, as they tend to be more cautious in their general approach to life, Burrets says. While extroverts tend to wear their hearts on their sleeves, introverts need more time to share deeper parts of themselves.
Your attachment style can also influence whether you gravitate towards a slow burn or immediate attraction. People with an insecure attachment style are more likely to prefer a deeply passionate, immediate-attraction relationship, according to Burrets, because they tend to worry about the closeness of their connection with a partner. Consequently, “a ‘love-at-first-sight’ connection can feel safer or more rewarding because it provides reassurance about the relationship’s intensity or trajectory,” she says. Those with a more secure attachment style, however, often opt for a slow-burn approach, one that is rooted in continuous, measured development over time. “They tend to be more comfortable with healthy distance or separation at the beginning of the relationship,” says Burrets.
Past experiences can also shape how you approach dating, and can influence how your dating style evolves over time. Maybe you’ve been cheated on when you’ve fallen fast and hard in the past, or maybe your previous slow-burn relationship lacked any kind of sexual chemistry. “Having experiences where a particular relationship approach didn’t work for someone might lead them to make an intentional choice to do something different next time,” says Burrets.
Cultural norms may also play a role in what you prioritize, Suwinyattichaiporn says. For example, in cultures where arranged marriages are common, attraction and connection often develop over time. If you grew up seeing that among family members and peers, you might not prioritize the same kind of instant chemistry that friends from other cultures do. But even across cultures, everyone has their own priorities—some may prioritize loyalty, safety, and security, while others may value undeniable attraction.
And lastly, the lessons that were instilled in you during childhood can influence your ideas of how love should be, even subconsciously. “Media really glorifies immediate connections, intense passion, and the idea of finding ‘The One’ instantly,” Burrets says. For example, the Disney movies that tend to be ubiquitous in childhood often hinge on love at first sight—and that type of love conquering all. It’s requisite for a “happily ever after,” which “creates a template that can make slower relationships seem less appealing, exciting, or desirable,” she says.
The Slowest Flame Burns The Hottest
Beyond Disney movies and reality dating shows, many classic rom-coms and dramedies also have us longing for that “love at first sight” moment—when you lock eyes across the room and feel a “spark” so powerful, you immediately know they’re “The One.” But “that’s not how a relationship plays out or manifests in real life,” says Elisabeth Crain, PsyD, a licensed psychotherapist based in Southern California. “There's this pressure on women that it’s going to be automatic, but it takes time to get to know someone and to build a connection.”
Plus, the Hollywood image that slow-burn relationships aren’t as passionate as love-at-first-sight is a flawed misconception. “Movies rarely depict a relationship that is in the middle or closer to the end, so we have this amplified sense and visual into the beginning of the relationship,” says Burrets. “But media isn’t documenting and showing us the realities of a long-term relationship, so we don’t get to see how these slow-burn relationships can be and how they can progress over time.”
And although slow-burn relationships might lack that initial rom-com passion, they aren’t without their perks. These relationships allow two people to build a strong foundation, increasing the chances of long-term success, says Burrets. “Feelings of sexual attraction and passion wane over time, and they need to be grounded by a strong foundation in order for the relationship to continue.”
If you choose to spend a life with someone, there are bound to be obstacles along the way. But because slow-burn relationships “are often built on trust, friendship, and mutual respect,” they are “more stable and resilient” in the face of life’s inevitable adversities, Burrets adds. (Wanting to rip your partner’s clothes off as soon as they walk into a room won’t exactly help you pay your mortgage.)
That foundation can make a slow-burn stronger than a spontaneous spark because the oxytocin whirlwind of a love-at-first-sight romance “isn’t always stamina for a [long-term] relationship,” Crain says. “That’s just the early phase, not what’s going to keep a relationship strong over time.” That’s not to say a passionate honeymoon phase can’t lead to a successful relationship, but that excitement alone isn’t enough to keep a healthy romance going.
Even if you’re not looking for anything serious, taking a slow-burn approach to casual dating can be to your benefit. “Everyone puts their best foot forward right off the bat,” says Crain, and moving at a slower pace helps ensure you’re getting the most authentic version of someone. “Over time, as the relationship becomes deeper and more trust is built, people are willing to reveal different parts of themselves,” she adds. Say you’re dating multiple people: If you quickly get invested in someone with a fast-and-furious spark, you might overlook someone who could have been a better long-term fit but just needed more time to warm up.
Getting Burned
Slow-burners can hit a few obstacles in the dating scene, according to Crain. Even if they find a good match, they may unknowingly self-sabotage because they aren’t willing to take the necessary steps to open up. “If they are so guarded and so afraid of vulnerability, they may not even allow themselves to potentially feel the things that would be natural if they did like someone,” she says.
You also have to take the other person’s feelings into consideration, too. “If you meet someone that is totally into you and you need more time, it could signal that you’re disinterested or don’t like them enough and can cause them to not pursue the relationship,” says Suwinyattichaiporn.
To prevent a missed connection, communicate that this is your way of dating from the jump—you are interested, it just takes you more time. “Even if you’re a slow-burner, it’s important that you’re revealing parts of yourself that help create intimacy because if you’re not doing that, you are likely to miss out on someone,” Burrets says.
Case in point: Love Island's Serena and Kordell. Kordell felt love at first sight with Serena, wanting to match up with her from day one, whereas Serena—who deemed herself a “slow-burner”—needed to be friends first before she developed romantic feelings for Kordell. Still, they faced some obstacles given the back-and-forth fluctuation between being a platonic and romantic couple. Serena’s desire to take things slow inadvertently made Kordell question the strength of their connection, and he felt conflicted when another contestant, Daia, was ready to go all in right away in Casa Amor.
In order to stop your slow-burn tendencies from holding back your dating life, take “baby steps” outside of your comfort zone with “measured risks,” while also staying true to yourself, suggests Crain. Had Serena not pushed herself to keep opening up to Kordell throughout their time on the show, and had he not been patient with the pace she set, they might’ve not found their way back to one another.
All Smoke, No Fire
All relationships require compatibility to succeed, but it can be an especially important element in a slow-burn relationship because someone who is typically a slow-burner might not be a good fit for someone who requires that immediate, fast-paced attraction, Burrets says. If one person needs that instant validation and intimacy, they likely won’t get the reassurance they want from someone who takes their time opening up because they probably aren’t compatible timing-wise.
Just like flames need oxygen to keep them alive, relationships need momentum. A slow-burn relationship can only succeed if a spark of passion is ignited at some point, says Burrets. And while passion can develop over time, you don’t want to mistake a slow-burn relationship for a relationship simply without desire and attraction. While many people can suss out a spark by date three, if you're someone who usually needs more time, try the “five-date rule,” says Suwinyattichaiporn “After five dates, if you really feel no sexual tension, any kind of draw into the person, or any kind of extra romantic attraction that you don't have for friends, that's pretty clear that it's not a compatible person for you romantically."
Sometimes, it just isn’t there, and you’ll need to decipher whether or not a slow-burn relationship is worth continuing to explore or calling it quits. If you don’t have a craving to be physically close to someone after a few dates—whether it's simply holding hands or a full-blown makeout sesh—that might be revealing that you see them more as a friend, says Burrets. Of course, there are some exceptions. If you’re someone who generally struggles with physical intimacy, you may still desire emotional intimacy with this person. But if you don’t seek either kind of intimacy in this relationship, chances are the connection has run its course.
Another tell: If neither person feels compelled to make plans for the future—the next date, introducing to friends, et cetera—there might not be anywhere for the relationship to grow, adds Suwinyattichaiporn.
For the most part, you’ll know there is potential if you feel a visceral feeling of fondness and affection for the other person, Suwinyattichaiporn says. And even though it might have taken a tad longer for you to realize, that love-at-first-sight logic holds true: “When you know, you know.”
Ultimately, a slow-burn relationship can be rewarding, “as long as you’re mindful and intentional about it and not just overly romanticizing the situation,” Suwinyattichaiporn says. While it's tempting to long for a Meg Ryan-style When Harry Met Sally happy ending, sometimes it’s best just to extinguish the flame.
Meet the experts: Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, is a professor of relational and sexual communication at California State University, Fullerton. Molly Burrets, PhD, is a therapist and adjunct professor at the University of Southern California. Elisabeth Crain, PsyD, is a licensed psychotherapist based in Southern California.
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