Women Revealed What It's Like Being Stuck In 💩-Y Marriages, And It's A Lot To Take In
Over on Reddit, women are (unfortunately) confessing what it's like living in a toxic marriage.
Their stories are not only deeply personal, but very eye-opening.
Here's what they had to say:
Note: The following stories and opinions about "bad" marriages aren't universal to everyone's experience.
Note: Some submissions were pulled from our BuzzFeed Community.
Warning: Some submissions include topics of domestic abuse, drug abuse, and suicide. Please proceed with caution.
1."With my ex-husband, it was six years of partying, lying about drugs, and a lot of emotional and mental abuse. When he wouldn't come home, I'd call him. He would always respond with, 'I'm a grown-ass man — you don't need to know where I am.' He ended up having an affair with his coworker (who was 21 while he was 36 — gross). When I confronted him about it and asked for a divorce, he grabbed me and held me down on the stairs. That's when I was really done. To top it off, his mother refused to accept his wrongdoing and even got upset with me because I took him off my insurance during open enrollment before the actual divorce. I also ALWAYS had to be the person in charge, taking money from his tips to try and save for taxes that we always got hit hard with, and I had to come up with how to pay for them."
2."After our second child was born, my husband got fed up about the lack of sex we were having (I’m on antidepressants, and it messes with my libido big time — plus I was breastfeeding). He said he didn’t want to be in a marriage without sex. I took that as, 'We will get divorced if we don’t have sex on a regular basis.' We came very close to separating. He’s on medication now and goes to therapy (though not as often as I think he needs), and it’s gotten better. I’m just not a very sexual person. We’ve been married 12 years and we have young kids. We work well together as parents and in running the household, but sexual intimacy is still something I’m not interested in most of the time. And I don’t think it’s just that I’m not really sexually attracted to him."
3."My ex-husband always told me I was 'too fat' for him, how I needed to do more housework after eight-plus hours on my feet working two jobs to support us, he called me a 'psycho' — the works. He kicked me out of my home knowing that when he did it, I'd be without a home. I was without a home for seven years. I lived in Oklahoma, and a landlord there can deny you a home based on eviction for any reason. My ex-husband's reasoning was that I was addicted to drugs when all I did was smoke weed for medical reasons. His new woman told me to my face (right next to him) I seemed like a nice person..."
4."I couldn't be sad or tired because he'd take it personally, and blow up at me about how I found him sooooo boring. I couldn't make certain jokes — like one time he was asking about Queen Mary or something (like who she was). I said: 'Oh, she was some chick called Mary! She was queen for a bit' (obviously fucking around, and not at his expense). He didn't talk to me for the rest of the day — so I absolutely couldn't make jokes 'at his expense,' which was a learning curve. Gentle teasing is really common in my family, and I never had to think about it before. I had to be competent, but if I was better at stuff than him, he'd sulk or throw a tantrum."
"I also had to be really careful about what I could tell him because it would later be used as ammunition against me. I couldn't be honest about my mental health, or who I was hanging out with (like my friend and her boyfriend — he'd assume I was lying about the guy dating my friend, and that I was fucking any guy I spent more than two minutes with). So, it was easier to tell him I only ever saw women.
I also couldn't tell him if I had an argument with my mum, because then it was all: 'Oh, so THAT'S where you get it from.' I had to overthink everything I was going to say."
5."I realized when my ex was out of town for a couple of months about a year ago that it was literally easier being a single mom than to be with him. I told him the week he got back that I wanted a divorce. It's final soon, and I'm soooo looking forward to a new lease on life. I'll no longer have to handle every single practical detail for an adult man who should have figured something out by now. All my friends and family have been beyond supportive so far. I'm here to say that life is too short to be unhappy — choose yourself and your happiness. It will be worth it 💖."
6."I was in a relationship for 11 years. We were married and had a kid, but I didn’t want to have sex with him — the spark was gone. I met a different guy, sparks flew, and I immediately told my husband everything. We got a divorce so I wouldn't be a cheater. The first couple of months with the new guy were great, but then he started 'loosening' a bit and showing his true self. He lied about wanting to kill himself, he participated in a dozen major fights, and he gave me a scar on my eyebrow when he hit my head on the floor. He cracked the skin. I left and filed for divorce.
"The sex was always excellent — nothing like I’ve ever felt in my life, but I’d rather go without sex than without my brain or my life.
I’m really good friends with my ex-husband now — the father of my kid. I’d rather have laughing sessions with him that last for hours than 20 minutes of mind-blowing sex with a person who almost killed me."
7."I've been married for 38 years, and for over 20 of them, my partner and I have felt like roommates. I've made every justification imaginable for why we stay together, but to be honest, it should have ended shortly after our son was born. Love for each other is never the problem, but the lack of intimacy, sex, and compassion for each other is a nightmare to deal with. We just had a conversation recently and realized we both feel the same way and have for a long time, so I would say to everyone else if you think it's wrong, then end it and move on."
8."My colleague told me that she fought with everything she had to keep a horrible marriage going for the sake of her son. She finally gave up when her son was nine, and he absolutely thrived after the initial sadness. Kids need a calm and stable home environment more than they need a bad parent. I live alone with my two kids, and I think it's a lot easier than the few years where I tried to make it work with their dad."
9."I thought I never wanted kids, but after I got out of my abusive marriage, I realized my ex was such a nightmare that I was never capable of imagining a future of any kind. The goal in that marriage was to get through the day, then get through the next one, etc. — I was in survival mode. Once we split, everything got better. I still have a lot of residual trauma, but suddenly I didn't feel like I was chained to a sinking ship. I could imagine life beyond the day I was living."
"I found a much healthier relationship and realized I did actually want a kid. I wanted a lot more than I ever could have imagined with my ex (the bare minimum seemed too much to ask back then). And for once, it was actually possible.
My ex ended up dying tragically after a series of bad choices. His sister contacted me when it happened, and admitted it was good that I got out when I did."
10."My partner is going through a hard time, but he expresses it differently through being cold, snappy, and hyper-critical of things. There’s been multiple times when we’ve had to have extremely long conversations about why he’s unhappy (he says it’s 'not me,' but I don't know anymore). I try my absolute best to make him see all the good things that are happening, but it almost feels like he’s determined to be unhappy. I’ll relay the same exact advice he's given me, but now 'I’m wrong' and 'don’t understand.' I’ll just stop talking completely and let him rant (I swear he went on for a good 10–15 minutes about all of his feelings). I’m happy he’s okay expressing them, but there’s only so much I can do or say. I’m emotionally and mentally exhausted myself because I also have things going on, but I feel like his problems dominate the room — so I just keep quiet."
11."He expects me to bend backwards and put a down payment on a house for him to pay off because he has a good government job. I work, but due to our children and childcare hours, I can't work much except weekends when my own mother watches our kids while he works. He only pays for his own stuff, while I pay for everything, like the kids and the dog's food and vet bills. The relationship is dead silent, and he can't even compliment me at all. There hasn't been any kissing or hugging for years now, but I have zero energy to even look for another guy after this is all done — it's not worth it."
12."I was with a guy who was very charming and appeared to be everything I wanted in a partner. I was with him for over a decade, but once he left, I realized he controlled EVERYTHING in my life with manipulation. Gaslighting, tearing me down in the guise of jokes, withholding sex and shaming me for ever wanting it, and guilting me out of handling our finances."
"He left me for my best friend at my lowest point (he'll never admit to an affair, but they've been married for years now). I was depressed for years and didn't realize it, but I surrounded myself with good people, reconnected with my family, and worked on my self-esteem.
Now, my life is better than it's ever been — I still have self-esteem and confidence issues, but I knock them away when they come to mind. I'm a hell of a lot better than I was with him."
13."I got pregnant with my husband after dating for less than two months. We married shortly after because I didn't want to be an unwed mother and 'bring shame' to my family. He's perfectly fine, does nothing egregious, has solid values much like mine, and is very progressive. We are great partners and he's my ride-or-die — I am just not in love with him, and that is difficult to live through every day."
"I know people say that romantic love is overrated because marriages need a lot more than that — the problem is I never had that for him. It's been 13 years, and I doubt it's ever gonna change. But, I am determined to see things through for our two beautiful children."
14."If I woke up before him, I had to cuddle with him before getting out of bed (otherwise he’d get upset). Then I had to be VERY quiet walking around if he was still asleep (he'd also get upset at that). If I stood up from being on the couch together without telling him where I was going first, he’d grab the back of my pants and pull me back down. Leaving him was the best decision I ever made — I just wish I didn't waste 12 years with such a fucking loser."
15."My parents were pressuring me to get married (Indian values) since I was 21. I moved out of the house so I didn’t have to hear about it from my mother, who'd badger me about it every chance she got. I had a friend who came to the US for his master's. He was just a friend, someone who listened whenever I talked — nothing more and nothing less. I was turning 25, and the pressure (along with taunts from my mother) were getting increasingly unbearable. He came to visit his parents and possibly find a girl (his parents thought it was time for him to get married, as he finished his studies and got a stable job in the US). He told me he wanted to marry me — at first, I was shocked and said no. But after much convincing from my friends (who were all married), I said yes. I didn’t feel a thing for him except that I loved him as a friend and as a human being. I respected him a lot, but I could never develop romantic feelings for him."
"I always questioned those feelings within myself. I didn’t have anyone who I could talk to about it — I stayed in that marriage for 10 years. Thankfully we never had kids. When I started working, I met so many different people, and it was then I realized that it was not fair on my part to keep us tied down to each other.
I never thought I wanted kids, but it turned out I never wanted them with him. A small part of me always knew that I didn’t want to be with him, that I didn’t love him that way, and was always afraid that if I did have kids with him, I probably would've never left.
When I brought up separation, he was devastated. I told him that we both deserved a chance to be with someone we loved. It’s been almost eight years since we ended it, and I am still struggling to find 'the one.' He, on the other hand, is married now and has kids."
16."I'm currently in a bad marriage, and we're about to get divorced. It's a shitty marriage when only one partner does all of the housework, the childcare, and the mental load. It's bad when you ask for help with JUST the dishes and laundry, and your partner responds with: 'You make less money, so you deserve to do more.' It's a shitty marriage when they threaten to harm themselves every time you bring up wanting to discuss something about the relationship dynamic. After nearly 13 years of this bullshit, I'm done."
17."As people often say, marriage takes work, but the payoff is huge for the amount you have to invest most of the time. I spent years saying exactly what I wanted and needed, and not receiving it. I never told him not to get me a gift when I actually wanted one, I communicated things clearly, and I told him I'd want flowers sometimes. He wouldn't shower me with them until he felt threatened by another man because 'flowers are stupid' and 'you can buy your own flowers.' The former is subjective, and the latter is true, but not the point. He couldn't make the simplest of romantic gestures to make me happy."
"He couldn't bend his viewpoint to recognize that not everyone had the exact same priorities or values, and that couples have to find compromises. That was not our only problem — I just think the flowers are pretty emblematic of what our relationship became.
It's amazing how many men stop trying completely after the 'wooing' stage is over. You can wind up trapped because you developed love for someone who just doesn't want to work on the relationship at all."
18."I was in a shitty marriage. We had zero intimacy, no love, no household sharing, never went to bed at the same time, and never wanted to do anything together. We were basically just housemates by the end of it. There was so much sourness because he never did anything to help out in any possible way."
19."I was in a very short-lived marriage. We were best friends beforehand — he had a really good heart and showered me with gifts, but I didn't want material items. I wanted someone who'd stick to his word, and not someone who gave me empty promises. I wanted someone who'd help me clean, save up for a house and some land instead of blowing it on merchandise and going to bars."
"I wasn't perfect by any means, but damn it, I tried. I went to therapy, I took my meds, I begged for more stability, and he was surprised when I asked for a divorce."
20."We're divorced now, and it's pretty much for this reason: His deployment was coming to an end, and I was making arrangements to travel where he would be for his shore leave. He suggested we have a platonic relationship that week (we were married for six years at that point, and were high school sweethearts). We even planned to start a family — so, yeah. That was a shitty marriage."
21."My dad has/is cheating on my mom. She works full-time and is still expected to do all of the cooking and cleaning (my siblings and I help, but now, my brother and I have jobs). My dad says he 'doesn't cook or clean' because 'why else do I have a wife and kids?' He belittles her constantly, and she writes it off as a joke — he never actually listens to what anyone says, but then gets mad that he's 'kept out of the loop.' I could go on, but I'll stop there — if I ever get married, I essentially need a partner the opposite of my dad."
22.And finally, "My ex-husband and I had no intimacy, no passion, and hardly a friendship. I was the sole caretaker of our children while he played video games all day. We both worked full-time, but I was the only one who cooked or cleaned. I was very tired and worn out, asked him for help multiple times, and it always just led to a fight, and I always gave in. He put no effort into spending time with me, which I also asked for multiple times, and nothing ever changed. He always put his friends and family ahead of me, even on important dates. We eloped, and the night of our wedding, he didn’t even spend it with me."
"He slowly separated me from all my friends and my hobbies — he was very controlling and toxic, and I didn't see it until he was gone (he also threatened suicide multiple times whenever I even implied I wanted to leave). So, I felt stuck.
Toward the end, we had no sex life, and I wasn't attracted to him — my cup wasn't being filled, so why should I fill his? This only angered him, and he ended up having an affair, finally ending our marriage. I was with him for eight dreadful years — once it was over and the more I thought about it, I don't know what I saw in him in the first place."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
