'I thought the world would be better without me in it': Vicky Pattison opens up about her PMDD diagnosis
After years of struggling with terrifying symptoms in the weeks leading up to her period, in 2023, former I'm A Celebrity winner, radio host and author Vicky Pattison was diagnosed with premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), a severe iteration of PMS which can have a cataclysmic impact on the lives of those living with it.
Married at First Sight star Kristina Goodsell recently shared her own PMDD diagnosis with her partner Kieran, causing a spike in searches around the condition. It turns out that Vicky speaking about her PMDD experience was what led Kristina to seek proper clarification. 'I've followed [Vicky] for a very long time through her PMDD journey', Kristina shared in a TikTok video, 'and she really gave me the gumption to get to the root of this and help me live a fairly semi-normal life'.
Precisely how the condition plays out varies from person to person impacted. Commonly reported issues, though, include extreme anxiety, rage, fatigue and a lack of interest in things that typically bring joy. Such symptoms are experienced during the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle, which is the time between ovulation and when you start to bleed. Typically, this is around two weeks for most people, but it can be longer or shorter.
Vicky, 36, has been very open about the extent of what she has been suffering with in candid posts shared to her Instagram page.
Last year, WH spoke to the Newcastle native about her diagnosis, the journey that led to her seeking help, how the disorder has impacted her relationship and her advice for anyone going through something similar.
If you'd like more advice on PMDD, including how to seek help, there's lots of information available via charity Mind.
My periods, from when I started having them at around 13 until my mid to late twenties, were normal, and I'd describe my PMS symptoms the same way. Yes, I wanted to eat chocolate all the time, yes, I was a bit emotional, yes sometimes I hated me fella. But predominantly, they were manageable.
It was in my early 30s that I noticed a huge change in meself. In the time leading up to my period, my symptoms became incredibly heightened. Initially, I just noticed things were getting worse and it was a slow escalation, over time, to the situation becoming very hard to deal with.
This culminated in my dealing with intense PMS symptoms for two to three weeks of the month leading up to my period. The closer to coming on, the worse the symptoms get. I know the PMDD is starting because of the tiredness: getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle, I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat – in a taxi; in front of the TV.
Then there's the insomnia at night because of crippling anxiety and the scariest part: losing any interest in things that normally really interest us. There's a huge part of it that renders me despondent and disinterested.
Then, I spiral. The things that used to bring us joy no longer do – and then really dark thoughts start to sneak in. I consider myself to be a relatively headstrong person, but [my experience of PMDD] is that it consumes you. It tells you [that] you don't like your job anymore; that the world would be better without you in it. And you're sleep deprived and you're stressed you absolutely believe it.
These symptoms all drop off when I start to bleed: I begin to feel better almost instantly – it's like a fog lifts and I recognise myself again.
My PMDD has made me not want to see me friends and me family and to not want to look at me phone. And I live quite far away now from [my loved ones] because I've moved down south. It means me phone is a lifeline, because I get to find out how my niece is doing or check my dad’s alright. I love keeping in touch, and [at times] I couldn't bring meself to care. And that hit me dead hard because what are you without your mates and your family?
When you're in the grip of it, though, you can’t tell yourself ‘this is just your hormones’– it makes you think you’ll never be okay again.
And for someone who is very proactive and energetic and likes to work and like to grow and like to be busy, like, that's scary. Then, the irritability is next level. [In the weeks before my period] I would get so irate and angry with tiny things that Ercan [Ramadan, Vicky's fiance and former The Only Way Is Essex star] would do. It was to the extent that I'd get like ‘we’re not meant to be together.’
And like, I've waited 15 years to find a nice man who treats us right and supports us and is kind and handsome – and I can’t see it when I’m in this phase. All I can see is rage. It’s awful.
I didn't say anything about it to anyone for ages. I suppose because PMS and pain and stuff like that that – it's so subjective. Like, nobody has a benchmark for what someone else has gone through. So I was just like: 'Okay, I'm evidently going through something that all me friends are going through – I'm just not able to deal with it as well.'
I did start to go to the doctors but every time I felt like I was pacified. I'd get told stuff like 'periods do get worse as women get older.' It made me feel weak, like I just couldn't handle something every woman has to.
And I've made every excuse for why I feel this way, meself. Part of that thinking was that I’ve put my body through a lot this year. I had a big cyst on one of my ovaries; the minute that was gone I froze me eggs – I thought there were other reasons for why I feel the way I do.
And I made those excuses because I didn't want to entertain the idea that there was something more serious wrong and nobody wanted to help us. Because I was like, 'Where do I go then?' You know, if nobody's paying any attention or people say there's nothing wrong, I just have to put up with this and this is my future.
But during the pandemic lockdowns, I just started talking about normal stuff more on Instagram, chatting about periods and about how I was struggling – it's not like there were glam nights out or exciting work to talk about! And a couple of people messaged me and said, 'it doesn't sound like what you're going through is normal, have you looked into PMDD or endometriosis?' Now, I had asked the doctor a million times about PMDD and they'd never been interested.
But it made me think to myself, 'maybe I'm not weak and maybe I'm not crackers – maybe there is something more serious going on here.' So I went to see a doctor [again] and explained what I was going through: dark thoughts, rollercoaster of emotions, feelings of hopelessness, extreme bouts of sadness, fatigue, mood swings. The GP advised I had my [contraceptive] implant taken out.
So, I did. After that things did get marginally better, for a little bit. But things still weren't right. I went back to the doctor who said my body would take a while to get used to having the implant out. I don't want to be disparaging about [NHS staff] at all – I know they're stretched so thin and everybody's busy. But it was really really demoralising to just feel ignored when I knew something wasn't right.
In recent months, I got to the point of thinking, 'you know what, this is just not good enough anymore.' Like I'm living this half life. And I've got a brilliant fiancé and these gorgeous dogs and house, I love me job, I'm so grateful for my amazing family... and I’m spending weeks of the month fucking miserable and scared of what I’m capable of.
So this August I booked an appointment with a private doctor. I went in with the mindset that I wasn't going to leave until I had an answer that satisfied me. Because [in the past] I feel always leaving feeling that embarrassed, like I've wasted everybody's time because it's just PMS.
So I went and explained and tried to be really measured and give the facts about how the last couple of years had been. Straight away, the doctor said: ‘sounds to me like you’ve got PMDD.’ I started to cry because it was just the first time I'd felt genuinely listened to in a medical space. And just that made me feel more positive, just feeling validated.
In terms of treatment, based on what the doctor said, I think it's very trial and error getting to the thing that works best. I've been put on a combination pill initially, to try and regulate my moods and take the edge off things. It's far too soon to tell if that's going to help. But it feels really good to be starting on the journey, to working out what is the right medication for me. I feel hopeful for the first time in what, five years?
That's because I now know that there is an actual reason for why I am this way. I'm not just weak, I'm not just unable to deal with everything that everyone else can. And that made us feel really liberated.
After I shared my post talking about my diagnosis, I've had so many people, including some of my celeb pals, reach out saying things like: 'Oh my god I read your post and it could have been me who wrote those words.'
But I've also had awful responses saying stuff like 'oh here she goes another celeb inventing something just to stay relevant,' others saying 'you've got PMS, we all have it, just get on with it.'
If even one woman off the back of my post goes and gets diagnosed or whatever and her life is made easier, though, then it's worth it.
And for anybody who is feeling the way I did: please don't 'stiff upper lip' this. It's such a toxic, outdated British thing. If you're experiencing any of the things I've spoke about, or if you're struggling, go to see your doctor; go to see a good gynaecologist or, if you can, go private if people won't hear you out in the NHS – and don't take 'no' for an answer. I'd also recommend following Instagram accounts like @the.pmdd.collective to get some advice, if going to the doctor feels like a big step.
It's 2023 – we shouldn't just be having it get on with it. We should be getting answers.
PMDD: the facts
PMDD is a deeply severe iteration of PMS. This hormonal disorder can cause physiological shifts that can be 'physical, emotional or behavioural in nature,' according to Dr Nick Panay, consultant gynaecologist, honorary senior lecturer at Imperial College London and chairman of the national association of premenstrual syndrome (NAPS).
You can imagine it as sensation of PMS pushed to its limit: requiring days in bed, extreme emotional distress and the potential for halted education, careers and relationships.
The specific cause of PMDD is largely unknown, although some research suggests that it may be genetic, brought on by past trauma or associated with increased sensitivity to the normal hormonal changes that occur during your monthly menstrual cycle.
It usually occurs after ovulation when oestrogen levels start to fall, triggering a fall in serotonin levels. The rise in progesterone post-ovulation can also have a mood-lowering effect in susceptible women.
Getting a diagnosis with PMDD can be difficult. Because the symptoms of the disorder map so closely onto those of bipolar disorder, the former is often misdiagnosed as the latter. This is in part because the mood changes are dramatic, with symptoms often receding at the outset of the period. Sufferers often describe waking up after a particularly bad day, feeling as though they’ve 'snapped back' into their usual self.
The best place to start is to keep a detailed record of your symptoms for several months – which will show any patterns of behaviour and symptoms – and take this to your GP.
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