Signs You Need to Do a Friendship Audit ASAP
There's no comfort in the world like a good friend — the kind of friend who lifts you up when you're down and shares your joy and successes as effusively as their own.
But then there are those so-called friends in our spheres who don't make us feel like that at all — people who sap our energy rather than buoy it, who inspire dread rather than warmth. And while we might feel stuck and destined to perpetuate these relationships for all sorts of reasons, we're actually not. In fact, we can and should be auditing our friendships regularly in order to make sure that we surround ourselves with the positive energy we need and deserve, and shed the negative energy we don't.
We turned to the experts for guidance on how to do this effectively and as painlessly as possible. Read on for tips for how to do a friendship audit from Terri Cole, a psychotherapist and the author of Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency; Shari Leid, a friendship expert, mindset coach, and author; and TK.
There's no comfort in the world like a good friend — the kind of friend who lifts you up when you're down, and shares your joy and successes as effusively as their own. But then there are those so-called friends in our spheres who don't make us feel like that at all — that's when its time for a friendship audit. People who sap our energy rather than buoy it, who inspire dread rather than warmth should get the boot from our lives.
And while we might feel stuck and destined to perpetuate these feel-bad relationships for all sorts of reasons, we're actually empowered to make changes at any time. In fact, we can and should be auditing our friendships regularly in order to make sure that we surround ourselves with the positive energy we need and deserve in good times and bad, and shed the negative energy we don't.
We turned to the experts for guidance on how to do a friendship audit effectively and as painlessly as possible. Read on for tips for making it happen: Terri Cole, a psychotherapist and the author of Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency as well as from friendship expert, mindset coach, and author Shari Leid.
Ask the right questions
Cole suggests we audit our friendships once a year or so. To start, think about the people you spend the most time with and ask yourself these key questions:
How do you feel when you think about hanging out with them?
How do you feel when you're together?
How do you feel afterward?
"They're simple questions, but try it," she says. "Life is too short and your energy is too precious to waste on people who feel like a rainy day. If you answer anything other than some version of 'good' or 'great' — excited, happy, supported, inspired, loved, enlivened, uplifted — consider cutting or loosening ties."
Of course, she adds, this isn't exercise about ditching friends who are going through a tough time. "Realize the difference between truly stormy people and sunny ones caught under cloud cover," she says, in favor of investing in your "sunshine committee."
Be intentional
Everyone's different: Some people thrive with tons of different friends and group dynamics, while others prefer the intimacy of a tight-knit crew of besties. The size of your desired group doesn't matter.
What does matter is that you are intentional about the people you make time for — the people who make you feel best. "Invite them out. Ask if they want to join your workout or if you can join theirs. Suggest an outing with the kids," Cole says. "Yes, it can feel a little awkward If you’re not pals yet, but how else will you get there?"
She also notes that we tend to underestimate how much people we don't know will enjoy our company — so take a chance, and you're likely to be rewarded.
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Be flexible
This step is one of the trickiest parts: You have to be flexible and ready to adapt. Not all friendships are meant to last forever, and that's OK.
"Kids want to figure out their place in the world and where everyone fits. Adults haven't necessarily outgrown this, and it's one reason we either cling to friendships we shouldn't or fail to nurture the ones we should. Accept that friendships are fluid, they can come and run hot and then cool," Cole says. "After all, people change as do our needs, personalities, situations, schedules, and locations."
Make changes if you need to, understanding it's all part of the normal course of human relationships. "Ride the relationship waves," Cole says. "Don’t let history be the only criterion for giving someone space in your present or future."
Be inclusive
You may gravitate toward people who are like you; that's natural, and it's OK. But you might find people who truly lift you up when you "deliberately seek out relationships with those who are nothing like you or with whom you have only one or two things in common," Cole suggests.
"These types of friends open our eyes to new perspectives and deliver wisdom others can't," she says. "And those relationships can be incredibly enlivening, inspiring, and fun." (Consider, for example, the surprising and enduring friendship between Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart!)
Life shifts change friendships
In order to make sure you surround yourself with the right people for where you are right now, take a moment to "define what friendship means to you right now," Leid says. "While your core definition of a friend may not change, what a friend can add to your life may change over time."
Here's how that might look in the real world: "In my 20s, a friend was someone who liked the same music or went to the same clubs. During my parenting years, it was about finding someone who had kids the same age for joint playdates. When I was practicing law, a friend was someone who was balancing a stressful career and young kids, just like me," Leid says. "Now, in my 50s, my definition has shifted. It’s less about the activities and more about character, integrity, and someone who supports my growth, even when we're growing in different directions."
Friendship audits can happen at any stage of life, and Leid believes we change in our personal, career, and relationship growth, approximately every seven years — less often than Cole's own guideline of each year, and more tied to life stages. "So if you haven’t done a friendship audit in the last seven years, now may be the time to evaluate," she says.
Also, you might want to do them more often during stressful times, like when you're going through a divorce or illness. "For example, when I went through my divorce and when I underwent cancer treatment, I had to be very selective about who I spent my time with. I needed support, not competition or negativity," she says. "But when life is smooth, it’s easier to brush off small irritations, and you might not need to audit as often."
Let go of guilt
Acknowledge that letting go of a friendship can sometimes be more painful than a romantic breakup, especially if there’s a lot of history, Leid notes. "The key is to move forward with integrity, so you can walk away knowing you did the right thing for yourself and the other person," she says.
When in doubt, try to detach for a moment from the friendship to zoom out and look at it as if you were advising your best friend on what steps to take to end the friendship. "Remember, friendships shouldn't be maintained out of guilt," she says. "If you're holding onto a friendship because you feel guilty, it's time to let it go."
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Be proactive.
If you have let some friendships go, it can be challenging to find new friends who surround you with the positive energy you deserve — especially as an adult. Being proactive — and putting yourself out there — really helps.
"A wise friend of mine once said that when you want to meet new people, join three things: a health-related local cause, a social club or athletic club, and an arts organization," Leid says. "It gives you access to a diverse group of people who share your interests. I’ve watched this friend navigate several moves due to his career and have witnessed him build a network from scratch each time. It works."
So Leid started doing. itin her own city and calls the approach nothing short of "a game changer."
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