How to make a relationship work – and when to call it quits: 10 lessons in love from divorce lawyers

Know your relationship priorities

Before you even head out on a first date, says Jessica Keal, associate at Simkins LLP, it’s important to figure out what you really want from a potential partner: “For some people it’s kindness, for some it’s empathy, for some it’s financial stability. None of those priorities are wrong. Just make sure you’ve got them down.”

When it comes to firming up a sense of the kind ofpartner you want, she says, “reflecting on past relationships is good, those moments when it felt like a partner had let you down: that’s a good indication that a quality you prioritise wasn’t there. Do you need that in order to be happy? Be honest with yourself.”

Don’t get too hung up on searching for the perfect match if you don’t find that person sexy, though. “You do need that spark,” says Keal. “It used to drive me mad when people would say, ‘Oh, it’s a slow burner, the attraction will come.’ It’s OK to say the attraction does need to be there.”

Have the big unromantic discussions early

“You often find that couples are so in love at the beginning of their relationship that they don’t think about things like, ‘Are we aligned on how our children will be educated, or what medical care we want to receive?’” says Keal. “Those conversations are so crucial as they’re the sort of things that can become deal breakers down the line.”

Liza Gatrell, partner at Stowe Family Law, agrees. “If you have those conversations upfront, I find that you are less likely to separate down the line,” she says. Gatrell adds that money – and questions such as how you might manage if you end up earning vastly different wages – is an important topic to dig into earlier than may feel natural. “If you can communicate like that at the beginning, when it’s a little bit awkward, you can probably do so throughout.”

You’re both going to change as you get older

“I find people don’t want to acknowledge that over time in a relationship, they change – the person you fell in love with on day one isn’t the same person 25 years later,” says Sophie Campbell-Adams, director at Britton & Time. “You grow with that, or, if you can’t accept it, that’s when you’re sat in front of me.”

She says it can be as small as a partner never doing the washing up or picking the towel up off the floor that grows into resentment over the years. She says such resentment is easier to combat by communicating and sharing the domestic and mental load, but she’s seen conflicts arising from one partner being jealous of the other’s success, for example, or from someone changing their mind about wanting children.

“Outside infidelity, growing apart is the most common reason for the divorces I act on,” she says. “Maybe there’s a degree of luck as to whether you move together or fall apart, but it’s really hard work.”

A couple should act as a team

This era is perhaps the first time in history that both partners in a relationship are run ragged by full-time jobs, caring responsibilities and social lives. “This inevitably means stress levels are high, time is tight and relationships can take the brunt of it,” Gatrell says. “It’s easy to say we need to prioritise our partners and you often see reference to how important it is to make time for each other – such as ‘date nights’ – but day-to-day life can take over.”

One way to face this, she adds, is by making a concerted effort to share responsibilities – not just physically, but in carrying the mental load, too. If one partner is doing this more than the other (for instance, having to list and divide the chores before the other picks up their share), it can “lead to feelings of resentment and mental overload, which can create massive cracks in a relationship,” she says.

It’s always better to just have the argument

“I think it’s healthy to argue, have those debates, have those discussions, get your point across and be heard,” says Campbell-Adams. “A lot of people say if you argue you’re not happy or in love, and I don’t agree with that as that’s where the resentment builds.”

Keal says: “You need to know you can talk to your partner effectively to solve problems together, and you also need to trust that they will come to you if they are unhappy, instead of burying their head in the sand.” That said, you know those petty arguments we engage in when we’re tired and stressed? Don’t get too hung up on their outcome. “They rarely end with one party agreeing they’re 100% to blame and offering to make amends,” says Samantha Hillas KC. “Take some time out, take a deep breath and, if you can, borrow a phrase from Frozen: ‘Let it Go’.”

Remember that difficult moments are normal

“There are definite pinch points where we find relationship breakdowns are more common,” says Gatrell. “For example, after the birth of children, because we know dealing with young children and babies who aren’t sleeping is incredibly stressful. Then we look at things like empty nest syndrome, and approaching retirement when you’re thinking ‘The years ahead of me are fewer than the years behind me, how do I want to spend them?’”

If you find yourself at such a moment, Deborah Jeff, head of Divorce and Family at Simkins, recommends trying couple’s counselling or therapy. Charities like Mind have resources on how to find services. “Going to couple’s counselling is always a good thing,” she says. “Trying to salvage a relationship rather than end it is usually the best for both parties, unless there’s domestic abuse. Also, if a relationship has to end, having emotional support allows us to ensure the legal process is as smooth as possible.”

Think carefully before you move in together

After working in family law since 1979, Vanessa Lloyd Platt, proprietor of Lloyd Platt & Co, says: “My takeaway is that you shouldn’t co-habit unless you really protect yourself … after seeing so many years of broken promises and seeing people heartbroken.” This is especially the case these days, she says, with disagreement over topics such as the gift of a house deposit appearing more often in front of divorce lawyers. “Over the past few years, mums and dads are being dragged into these divorces and it makes it even more difficult. It’s really important, if there’s going to be a huge unbalanced financial contribution, to ask yourself: do I need a loan agreement or will my parents be content not to claim it back? And what is sensible? What’s fair?”

Maisie Huynh, senior associate at Irwin Mitchel, agrees and recommends that any property you contribute to is in joint names to prevent it ending in “very messy tears and litigation”. Cohabitation agreements are becoming more common, she says. Costs vary, “but I always say to my clients, ‘Think of it as an insurance policy; you hope that you never need it, but that if you do then you’re covered.’”

Pay attention to your sex life

While some lawyers have had to negotiate tricky situations involving adultery, most describe the slow decline of marriages marked by loss of communication, attention, respect – and sex. “It rarely comes up in a divorce, but what the majority of clients say is the physical relationship had ended well before they realised the marriage had come to an end,” says Huynh.

If it ends, be graceful

Bryan Jones, partner at Hughes Fowler Carruthers, says you can’t judge how someone might react at the end of a relationship from their behaviour at the start. The biggest relationship misconception, he says, is “relying on chivalry when things break down,” he says. “It’s thinking that everyone’s going to act nicely. Sadly, when you get to that point, people are not as fair as they appeared before. Things that they appeared to have no issue with … they do have an issue with.”

For Jeff, working with clients who are often celebrities or public figures has taught her to never “play it out in the public eye”. With social media so prevalent now, that rings true for us mere mortals, too. “It’s about maintaining respect for each other, particularly if you’ve got children,” she says. “Children will be able to find all this online in the future.” Hillas agrees. “Imagine a judge reading the messages you send to the other party and consider whether they reflect who you really are,” she says.

And, finally? You’re stronger than you think

“I’ve always been surprised by how quickly clients bounce back from the emotional impact of separation,” says Huynh. “In many ways, it’s because they’ve become more resilient than they were before.” She says divorcees often refer her to their friends, who have seen them reinvent themselves as happier people after the breakup. “It takes the stigma away for someone to say: ‘It’s actually OK, it’s not scary.’”