"I Have A Love/Hate Relationship With This Request" — Moms Are Having Conflicting Feelings After This Woman's Kid Got Invited To A No Gift Birthday Party
I recently came across an article from What To Expect, where they surveyed parents in their community. Their findings indicated that, on average, parents spend $300 for their children's birthday parties, which typically include around nine attendees. And, while this survey didn't include any information about guest gifts, I am now curious to know what percentage of parents request gifts not to be brought.
This thought comes after an anonymous parent asked Quora users, "My daughter was invited to another child's birthday party that specifically says "no gifts" on the invitation. Should I bring a gift just in case?"
People on Quora had a lot of different thoughts:
"My daughter always had huge anxiety so we never could do parties for her, and she never wanted to go to other’s parties. However, my suggestion would be to get a gift card in a pretty card. If people bring gifts, then simply pull out the card and put it on the gift table. If no one brings anything then you can keep the card and spend it on your own child."
—Becki Basley, Quora user
"I have a love/hate relationship with this request. I entirely agree with it because of the environment, the greed gifts create, the hassle gift buying creates, etc. Here’s how I remedy the inner conflict: If it’s for an adult party, I’ll still bring a bottle of wine or a snack because I know it will be used and appreciated. If the invite is for one of my kids, they hate not bringing something. So, I have them make their own homemade card, which takes time and thought. This gives them something to walk into the party with and also means they take the time to think about the birthday child. I’ve also made charitable donations on behalf of the birthday child, and then shared this info in the birthday card."
"Here are some party ideas with no gifts: We’ve been to a few parties that have other ideas that are amazing. First one — bring a book to trade! That means every kid brings a book, and everyone goes home with a book. The hosting parent starts with a handful of books just in case someone forgets and to create more variety (this works GREAT with REALLY young kids’ parties since book levels and interests change as kids get older). This is also great because it takes the place of giving away party favors (I HATE SMALL, PLASTIC, USELESS TOYS!!). Another party I went to said, 'Don’t bring a gift, bring a pet food donation for the local animal shelter!' I thought this was AMAZING for a 10-year-old girl’s party. The kids enthusiastically brought pet food and loved helping cute animals as well. A WIN/WIN for everyone!!!"
—Bethany Stone, Quora user
"Please don’t bring a gift. Every year, we have asked guests not to bring a gift (relax, he gets lots!), and every year we still get gifts! We actually had to change our invitations to get people to stop. This has worked best on the invites: 'In lieu of gifts, please bring a non-perishable food item for the local food bank.' My son’s birthday usually falls on Thanksgiving Weekend in Canada so it’s perfect. People bring so much, and my son gets to share it. We take him to the food bank to donate, and he gets a star, sticker, and tour. He loves it!"
"We’ve also done a Paw Patrol birthday for him and the donations were to the local animal shelter. He got to tour the facility, walk a dog, and had so much fun petting all of the animals. He talked about it for weeks! If you still really feel uncomfortable, bring a gift card to a bowling alley, trampoline experience, bakery/ice cream place, etc. that the child might appreciate. Good luck!"
—Ana Hope, Quora user
"When my boys were younger (about 25 years ago), we simply stated that no gifts were expected and that any gifts brought would not be opened at the party. They were received, my son said thank you, and I put them away for later. My kids had friends whose parents didn’t have as much money as we did, so the party was always more about doing something fun for the guests. At one party I remember very well, my husband and I wrote up clues for a treasure hunt, and all the kids had to work together to find the treasure chest hidden in the backyard."
"The treasure chest was an old toolbox filled with plastic coin holders. Inside each squeezable holder was about four dollars worth of quarters. Then, we took all the boys to the local arcade to spend their money and have pizza afterward. Everyone started out with the same amount of money, so everyone was equal. You can do many things with kids that focus on the guests rather than the birthday child. And most kids just love doing something extra special with their invited friends. Most of the time, they forgot all about the gifts."
—Susie Fischer, Quora user
"My son had a good friend who did this once. The mom actually put on the card that while she would love to be able to have a party for her child, she could not afford it. She couldn't have a party at home because she lived in a tiny apartment with her parents but said if we came to the skating rink and spent time with her daughter (each parent would have to pay the entry fee for their own children), that would be our gift to her. So naturally, we went and took a gift anyway (so did everyone else who was invited…there were four other kids). But in this case, we knew the mom was struggling and that she just wanted her daughter to have a good day."
—Josie Solano, Quora user
"We had five kids in a neighborhood that was VERY well populated with children. We knew what a hardship it was for everyone to buy two or three presents a month. Our oldest child threw a party, and we talked with him about not getting presents, and he was okay with it. Whether you bring a gift or not, it's your choice, but I recommend speaking to the parents about it. There may be a specific reason for the restriction, or, as in our case, we just had plenty and didn't want it to be a burden on others financially."
—Anonymous
"No, do not bring a gift. I am a parent who sends no-gift invitations, and I meant exactly what I said. I certainly appreciate your willingness to get a gift for my kid, but this situation is getting out of hand. My kid has plenty of toys, and you, my fellow parents, have plenty of expenses in your lives. You should not be wasting money, and I should not be teaching my kid to live a life of mindless consumer excess. We are both making a good choice by having and respecting no-gift boundaries. Parent high-five!"
"Your just-in-case concerns are valid, so here is how *I* need to live up to my end of the bargain. When a parent ignores my request and arrives with a gift, I meet them at the door, thank them, and immediately move their present to the closet. I said that it would be a no-gift party, and I meant it. That present will be opened and appreciated later when everyone has gone home, but the party will remain, as advertised: a 'no-gift' affair. That includes me; I will not give my present to my child at this party, nor will I allow grandma to be the *exception* to the rule. There will be no exceptions, and neither you nor your child will be made to feel bad for politely doing what I explicitly asked you to do.
Also, I do not give kids who come a 'gift bag' full of junk toys and unhealthy candy as some kind of quid pro quo for attending a birthday party. You will be able to return to your household without any extra junk to get stuck in your vacuum cleaner. You're welcome, friend!"
—Adam Masterman, Quora user
"My first experience with 'no gifts please' on the invitation was when my daughter attended private-school kindergarten. The class was very small, with about a dozen students, and had a rule that everyone in the class was to be invited to every party. Parents were expected to stay, and sibling inclusion was a given, so that meant a non-stop, sprawling, crowded round of parties that spanned the year. Gifts at these parties were frowned upon, and after a while, it seemed like good logistic sense. It was a relief to not constantly hunt for a gift and a relief for it not to be expected."
"If you really want to send a gift, you might want to look at something that will be useful at the event. If it’s an outdoor party, maybe a ton of those little bubble wands. A party at a skating rink or entertainment center, a bunch of tokens for game machines. A pool party, a gift certificate for the snack bar. Something like that, maybe."
—Amorette Kitsa, Quora user
So, after reading this, we want to hear your thoughts! What do you think of the "no gift" idea? Let us know what you think in the comments!
