Liam Payne saved me from depression, now I will live my best life for him

Angelina Udovychenko, 26, is a professional musician. She lives in Wimbledon, South London, after coming to the UK from Ukraine when war broke out in her home country, two years ago. Here, she shares a warm tribute to her idol Liam Payne following his tragic death…

Scrolling through the news on my phone on Wednesday evening, I was horrified to see a post on Instagram announcing the news of Liam Payne’s sudden death. It stopped me in my tracks.

That night, I lay in bed, unable to sleep. I cried most of the night, devastated not only for his fans but for his family, his loved ones and also his little boy, Bear. Imagining what Cheryl – Liam’s ex – would have to tell their son in the morning was almost too much. I wept for all of them.

It may seem like a strong reaction for someone who never knew them personally. But the fact is, Liam and the rest of the boys in One Direction saved my life on so many occasions.

They helped me beat depression as a teenager, helped me realise that I could achieve my dreams and they stopped me being lonely when I had to leave my war-torn country. I will be forever grateful to them.

Falling in love with Liam

My love for Liam began when I was only 13 and growing up in Ukraine. I was badly bullied at school for having acne and for liking classical music. I play the piano and flute, and would take part in competitions and concerts. I don’t know if the other children were jealous but they would call me names and I felt completely isolated.

One day, I was searching the internet for music and came across a new band called One Direction and their song One Thing. I had never even heard of X Factor and had no idea of how the boys had come together. But this melody and their voices – and of course their looks – blew me away. I fell in love.

From that moment on, I started listening to their music and watching their videos every day and suddenly I didn’t feel so lonely and depressed. I’d had dark thoughts about harming myself and those feelings began to disappear when I listened to their music. It really lifted me.

As social media – Twitter, Instagram etc – took off, I began to find other fans of the group – ‘Directioners’ – around the world. I’d sit for hours chatting to them online, feeling such a part of their community.

We’d talk about the boys, their music, lyrics and videos. It’s what first made me really start loving the English language and I became one of the best English students at school.

Finding hope through Liam

Of course, I loved all the band but Liam was one of my favourites – he came across as so sweet, humble, kind and handsome.

When I was a young teenager, my mother always said that we would never be able to afford for me to go to a concert but I always dreamed big. And one day in 2015, I managed to save up enough money to go to a One Direction concert in Vienna with friends. It was one of the most amazing moments in my lifetime.

I was standing very close to the stage and when Liam walked on stage he was so much more handsome in real life than I could have imagined – he had a cheeky smile and lovely eyes.

The band had so much energy and I’ll never forget waving a huge Ukraine flag at them and Liam noticed and waved. Suddenly my friends and I were projected onto the back screen of the concert. We laughed, joked, screamed and cried. It was wonderful.

Afterwards, I threw a little box of Ukrainian souvenirs onto the stage – just little sweets and toys. I like to think that the boys enjoyed them after the concert.

I followed the band for years afterwards and when war broke out in my country, I had to flee. Because I spoke English – thanks to the band – I knew that the UK was one of the places I’d be safest and happiest. But when I arrived, my heart was so sad.

I had to leave the rest of my family behind and I felt so lonely. Once again, the music of One Direction helped me through a tough time.

One Direction saving lives

One memorable occasion, I was walking along the Thames with my headphones on, seeing places like the London Eye – places I’d seen in the bands’ videos – and listening to the boys sing. I felt such sadness but I knew I’d be alright.

Speaking to my mum back in Ukraine, it seems the band even saved my family from trouble. Russian soldiers arrived at our house and started searching for things like Ukrainian flags – which could have ended in disaster for us.

As they started searching my room, they couldn’t get over all the posters of One Direction and didn’t know who all these random boys were. They stopped searching and left, rather confused.

Never to be forgotten

Now, just a couple of days on from Liam’s death, I’m still raw with emotion. I wish we could have helped him in some way. He was a beautiful person, inside and out but was clearly in a lot of pain. We need to talk more about that in the music industry.

But of course, he’ll never be forgotten. Liam has had a huge impact on my life and I’ll never stop being grateful for his music. I often think of his words: "You can’t reach the stars, but when you follow them, you can come to your destiny."

Today, I live by these words all the time, working hard and dreaming of one day returning home to see my family. But in the meantime, I’m helping out other victims of war by arranging concerts, inspired by my love of music and the band.

Part of my childhood died this week along with Liam, but I’m so grateful to him and the band for being there for me. He’s a legend and will live on in our hearts forever.

Anyone feeling emotionally distressed can call Samaritans for help on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org

Read more on Liam Payne's death

How to grieve a celebrity’s death (Yahoo Life UK, 4-min read)

'Devastated' Simon Cowell says he feels empty after Liam Payne's death (Yahoo News UK, 3-min read)

Liam Payne tributes from his 'heartbroken' family to One Direction bandmates (Yahoo News UK, 12-min read)