Are You "Just Friends," or Are You Having an Emotional Affair?
When Sarah McBride* of Cleveland, OH discovered her husband of almost two decades was having a sexual affair with his young assistant, she was devastated. While they stayed together, McBride was still having a hard time when a year later, she started getting friendly with Mike, a work colleague. “I was still a mess,” she says. “While we didn’t have any sexual contact, he listened to me and I wanted him to rescue me.” When she couldn’t get in touch with her husband on a business trip one night, she texted Mike repeatedly, asking to see him and to come over to his house. The next day, McBride realized how inappropriate her behavior was and that her relationship with Mike was more than a friendship. It was, in fact, an emotional affair — and she decided to break it off.
What is an emotional affair?
So, what exactly did Sarah go through? “An emotional affair is characterized by a deeply intimate emotional connection outside of one’s marriage or other committed relationship,” says Licensed Master Social Worker Jillian Amodio of Annapolis, MD. While emotional affairs do not include physical intimacy, she says, many sexual affairs start as emotional affairs.
More than friendships, emotional affairs typically involve sharing intimate thoughts, feelings and experiences with someone other than a person's romantic partner, adds Stephanie Flood, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Nashville, TN. But while there may be a sexual feeling or tension, no sex occurs.
How do emotional affairs differ from friendships?
Experts suggest that an emotional affair often represents an inappropriate emotional bond that crosses the boundaries of a normal friendship. “In an emotional affair there tends to be a deeper level of emotional intimacy and connection that goes beyond what would be considered appropriate for a friendship,” says Kristin M. Papa, a licensed clinical social worker in San Jose, CA.
In general, the element of secrecy and exclusion can be used to distinguish between friendships and emotional affairs, with most traditional friendships not conducted in secret and not including an intense focus on another person that takes time and emotional investment away from the primary partner. And while emotional affairs may start as friendships, adds Daphney Poyser, CEO and Matchmaker of Fern Connections in Dallas, TX, “unlike a healthy friendship, this type of relationship can ruin the primary relationship rather than amplify it. Emotional affairs are secretive and isolating and filled with a sort of tension that, at its core, is a lot more than friendly.”
The difference between an emotional affair and a friendship is not always clear cut. “It got murky a few times in my marriage and in my own mind,” says therapist Andrea Franklin* of Seattle, WA. “I fantasized this desire to be close to someone else. You’re going to meet people that you feel connected to, you are going to have these warm feelings and that’s not wrong. The difference is whether you act on it, pursue it or create opportunities to have contact with that individual.”
When you’re physically attracted to someone, the line between “warm feelings” and “emotional affair” is thin, and experts agree that it’s best to tread carefully when you are developing emotions for someone not your partner.
How common are emotional affairs?
“Due to the lack of concrete markers, like sexual or physical intimacy, emotional affairs are harder to quantify,” says Bradford Stucki, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist in Provo, UT. Even deciding whether an emotional affair is occurring or not, he adds, is often based upon subjective perception.
Figures made available by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy report that 35 percent of women and 45 percent of men say they have engaged in an emotional affair. Not only is emotional infidelity more prevalent than people realize, but many experts also think it’s on the increase.
Olga A. Attebery, a licensed associate marriage and family therapist in Decatur, GA, believes that emotional affairs are becoming more common. “With the growing prevalence of the internet and social media, there are more opportunities to meet and develop relationships with an unlimited amount of people,” she says. “Additionally, the internet provides anonymity and the ability to present a curated persona to others.”
These features, she adds, may entice one to pursue a friendship with someone who seems to understand them and someone who they may be willing to be vulnerable with because they aren’t meeting them face-to-face. Audrey Schoen, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Roseville, CA, agrees that technology has made such communication much more accessible — and easier to hide — than ever before. “We’re able to communicate more frequently with cell phones and texting,” she notes. “This ease and privacy significantly increase the opportunities and temptations to engage in emotional affairs without a partner’s knowledge.” Or reconnect with an old love who remembers the younger you.
Why do people have emotional affairs?
While reasons vary, most often, Papa says, emotional affairs occur when someone is feeling dissatisfied with their primary relationship. “There is a feeling of emotional distance; they may feel unwanted, undesired, or unsupported by their partner and that they can’t talk to or share things with them.”
But that isn’t the only reason: Emotional affairs can also occur even when a relationship is good overall, she adds, because it’s exciting to feel like someone wants to learn about you and listens to you intently. “They may compliment you and flatter you in ways that your partner has not for some time,” Papa says. Other times, emotional affairs may start out innocently as friendships and then grow without someone intending them to, Amodio adds. People, like McBride, may be trying to fill a void, she adds, and end up in an emotional affair after confiding in another individual about problems in their primary relationship.
Emotional affairs can also stem from stress, loss and major life changes, like pregnancy, a job change, becoming empty-nesters or a move. “During these moments of instability or change, people can be more vulnerable to forming inappropriate emotional attachments with others,” Papa says. Emotional affairs can also arise when someone is spending a significant amount of time with a coworker, neighbor or even an acquaintance. And as in McBride’s case, research reported by the American Bar Association’s Techreport.com 2023 suggests that 60 percent of such relationships start in the workplace. Americans spend so much time at work that it is no wonder they develop feelings for their co-workers and confide in them about issues they may be experiencing in their primary relationship.
Such was the case with Sheila Anderson*, when she and her husband relocated from Miami to Chicago during a dark and snowy winter. While her husband had college friends in the area, Anderson did not, but she soon became friendly with a work colleague. “We would go out in a group after work, and he’d sit next to me and buy me drinks,” she recalls. “He tried to get me to open up to him and he started texting and calling me outside of work. I was not physically attracted to him, but I liked that he was paying attention to me.” At first, Anderson thought they were just friends and co-workers. But when he asked her to go away for a weekend with him alone, “I realized that this was not a normal work relationship and that I was in over my head,” and she decided to distance herself from him.
Does having an emotional affair count as cheating?
The short answer is yes. Finding out a partner is having an emotional affair can be just as crushing — sometimes even more so — as finding out they were having a physical one, say both experts and those personally affected by emotional infidelity. “Having an emotional affair can be devastating to the hurt partner,” Flood says. “We all want to feel that we are someone's special person, and that bond is broken when a partner starts letting another person into their private world.”
“Many people forget that intimacy and sex are two different things,” Amodio adds. “Sex is a form of intimacy but so is emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, spiritual intimacy, etc.”
Poyser believes that emotional infidelity can be more damaging than physical infidelity. “You are sharing a part of your soul with someone in a way you would never normally do outside of your original relationship,” she says. “Physical intimacy without emotional attachment can often be dismissed whereas emotional attachment stays with a person for a very long time. Physical cheating is wrong and can be extremely hurtful to a relationship but in my opinion emotional affairs cut much deeper.”
Such was the experience of Caroline Jensen* of New York City, who when close to giving birth to their first child, discovered some disturbing texts on her husband’s phone from a friend of the opposite sex. When she confronted him, he lied before eventually admitting her concerns were well-founded, thus making her feel even more betrayed. “I was devastated that it could happen, and I had no idea that he could be that deceptive,” she says. “I was completely blindsided and felt like the trust between us had been broken.” After many open and honest discussions, the pair stayed together. “We are all human and people make mistakes but it’s how you handle it afterwards.”
Are You Having an Emotional Affair?
Your relationship may be more than “just friends” if you…
Hide your activities or communication with the other person from your partner.
Avoid talking about the other relationship with your partner or share minimal details if you do.
Go to the other person first when important things happen to you that you would have normally shared first with your partner.
Think about the other person all the time and even when you are with your partner.
Compare your partner to the other person, often in ways that are unfavorable to the partner.
Think that the other person understands you better than your partner.
Prefer communicating or being with the other person over your partner.
Are particularly excited to receive a message from or spend time with the other person.
Share details about your life with the other person that go beyond the usual nature of the relationship (i.e., marital problems with a co-worker).
Experience “butterflies” when the other person contacts you or you see them.
Have romantic thoughts or fantasies about the other person.
Feel remorseful, guilty or defensive when asked about the other relationship.
Feel drawn to the other person, even after making agreements with yourself, your partner or others to cut off contact with them.
You’re having an emotional affair — now what?
Here are Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Stephanie Flood’s suggestions for how best to move forward:
Pay attention to your feelings. “What is really going on in your emotional world? Are you feeling stressed about or disconnected from your partner? Does this other person see you in only the best light, making you feel good about yourself?”
End it. Make a commitment to end the emotional affair and cut off all communication, including social media, with the other person involved. “Be honest and transparent with them about your intentions to focus on your primary relationship and prioritize rebuilding trust with your partner.” If you are in a work environment and can't end all communication, set the boundary that you will only discuss work issues and only during working hours.
Have a heart-to-heart with your partner. “Be as open and honest as possible with them about the emotional affair. Take responsibility for your actions, express remorse for the hurt you may have caused, and make a commitment to repairing and strengthening your relationship.”
Consider seeking individual therapy or couples counseling. “A professional therapist can help you explore the underlying issues that may have contributed to the emotional affair and work towards improving communication, trust, and intimacy in your relationship.”
Focus on rebuilding trust. “Be open and understanding as you and your partner work toward rebuilding trust and strengthening your relationship.”
Whether you are the one who is having an emotional affair — or your partner is — dealing with its effects can be a devastating time both for you and your relationship. But experts and those who have experienced emotional infidelity say that such relationships can survive and even thrive, with honesty, good communication, and professional help.
“While the person having the emotional affair is in the wrong,” says Schoen, “it’s often the case that both partners have contributed to the problems that led to it. Therefore, working together to address the issues on both sides is vital to repairing the relationship.”
“If they want to heal and move forward together, it’s important for both partners to understand why an emotional affair occurred, to be vulnerable and honest with one another, and to work together toward restoring intimacy and trust,” Amodio says.
But healing from an emotional affair is not quick or easy and thus, Papa says, “it is important to have realistic expectations; rebuilding trust, communication, and vulnerability involves significant time and energy.”
*Name and identifying details changed to protect privacy.
Illustrations: Getty Images.
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