Help! I can hear my son having sex in the next room

Last week, I was working on a particularly tricky assignment when I heard a rhythmic thumping sound coming through the ceiling. At first, I thought it was something to do with the pipes. Then, it dawned on me like a cold, clutching hand around my heart.

My son, Alfie, was home from university. Alfie’s bedroom was directly above the study. Alfie was, shall we say, entertaining his girlfriend in said bedroom. I really didn’t know what to do with myself.

Fighting against the images that appeared unbidden in my brain, I loudly slammed my desk drawer, turned up the music and – whether the couple above got the hint, or simply concluded their business – the sound eventually subsided. (Though I was later thwarted in my attempts to use the loo in the upstairs bathroom as the happy couple had decided to shower together.)

There are many blessings involved in watching our children grow up and leave the nest – but one of the trickiest is navigating their entry into romantic relationships. We can metaphorically put our fingers in our ears and sing “la la la” – but whether we want to admit it or not, at some point we are going to have to accept that our adult children have become intimate with their boy or girlfriends.

While in our day most late teens or early 20s were living independently, modern financial pressures mean an increasing number are now returning home after university – if they even leave in the first place, that is. According to a 2023 survey by Statista, 42 per cent of young adults aged 15 to 34 live with their parents. A survey two years earlier noted the average age as 24 (25 for those living in London).

Indeed, having left, many of our kids are now boomeranging back. Hence, the chances of your late teen or early 20 something child bringing that early relationship under your roof is more likely than ever before.

Eventually it will be time to deal with the consequences, which are, simultaneously, joyful, difficult and strange. So how do we manage the transition?

Accept that your family roles are starting to change

“As your children grow up, your role as their parent changes, and you need to accept the memo,” says Susan Quilliam, a psychologist and relationship expert. “That’s not to say this will be an easy transition – but there are ways to make it less challenging.”

The issue isn’t just about the prospect of overhearing your child in a sexual relationship – queasy-making as that is. Relationship experts agree that the psychological shift of seeing your child as an adult partner runs deeper than an initial squeamishness or embarrassment of hearing them in bed (which you may not have to encounter if you have a larger house, or a thoughtful child).

Seeing your child with a partner is the clearest indication that your baby is no longer a baby. Sheri Jacobson, a psychotherapist and the founder of Harley Therapy, says: “When your kids start having adult relationships, there are shifts on many fronts. Everyone has to adapt to the change.”

“The children themselves are going through changes: their hormones, their educational or work situation,” says Jacobson. “Then there is the parent, who has to make adaptations to their newly adult child. As a result of both of the above, the interaction and power-dynamic between the two of you shifts – you move more into friendship, more into this being a relationship of equals. There are so many different twists and turns to navigate.”

It can, of course, take time to accept that your innocent son or daughter is no longer quite so innocent. You may even feel a sense of loss. As Ginny, a mother of a 22-year old-son, says: “I feel a bit sad that Daniel wants to spend more time with his girlfriend than me. I’m second fiddle now.”

See the positive – and learn to deal with uncomfortable moments

And while it’s unlikely (though not impossible) that an early romance is going to last, the experts agree that the fact of your child having their first adventure is a positive sign. “You need a certain level of psychological health to be in a relationship,” says Jacobson.

“It shows you are a person who can connect, that you have developed the skills of listening, compromise, patience and friendship.” In other words, by extension, you have done a good job of raising your child. As Ginny attests: “I love seeing Daniel being such a lovely boyfriend to Poppy, and it makes me feel very proud of him.”

Yet, for many parents, the adjustment can still be difficult. “It will take time to get used to being a parent, but not ‘being a parent’,” says Quilliam. “You have to get out of what I call ‘meerkat’ mode, where all you want to do is guard and protect your child. It’s hard to tell a 21-year-old who’s been away at university for three years: don’t be back late.”

Don’t be afraid to put down boundaries

And yet, it’s entirely acceptable to have boundaries when an adult child and their partner are spending the night at your home.

When Hannah’s daughter Sammy brought her first boyfriend home at 17, Hannah made some rules. “We talked a lot about the said boy, we did a pro and con analysis because he is older,” she said. “We discussed my wish for them to not have a sexual relationship before Sammy was 18 because I felt that would give them time to explore and be in ‘control’. I made my husband meet the parents before he was allowed to stay over.”

Sammy is now 24 and the relationship has lasted. “I am lucky because actually he is a great guy,” says Hannah. “I have never walked in on them or heard them because I suspect he’s also had a strict upbringing and they are respectful of the fact that we have younger siblings around.”

Jacobson agrees that a parent of an adult child is entirely within their rights to have some “ground rules”. “Social mores have changed, we are less bound by religious strictures, and it’s probably less shocking than it used to be for an adult child to share a bed under your roof,” she says. “But there is a danger you can become too relaxed and your child might take advantage.”

Ideally, she says, they would spend some time elsewhere – share time out between the other set of parents, for example. “But if there really isn’t a choice, you may need to compromise,” she says. “If you forbid them to sleep together, you risk a rupture in your relationship – your child could go elsewhere, and possibly even put themselves in danger.”

Managing unsuitable partners and eventual splits

And if you don’t like your child’s choice of partner? “We’re often quick to say we ‘don’t like’ someone who is different to us,” says Jacobson. “They may be louder than we are used to, or have annoying habits such as taking too long in the shower. And when they are under your roof, this can be amplified. Having reluctance is natural, but try to be open-minded, see the benefits for your own child, be curious about them.”

One of the hardest things as a parent is watching your child go through their first breakup. “The biggest issue has been the trauma of the split,” says Moira, recalling her daughter’s boyfriend “dumping” her after a year. “Nobody wants to see their child unhappy. When a certain young man broke my daughter’s heart, my husband wanted to deck him, and I just wanted to wrap her in a blanket. I was almost as devastated as she was.”

Quilliam advises against becoming too involved in situations like this. “The ideal scenario is that your child will meet someone at 16, stay with them, and be happy for the rest of their lives,” she says. “Sadly, this is unlikely to happen. After a breakup, don’t offer yourself as a mentor unless your child asks you to be, and don’t take over,” she says.

Broaching difficult subjects

One of the worst things you can do is start a conversation with ‘when I was your age’”, says Quilliam. “This is often unhelpful – you never actually were their age, with the dating customs of the time. There will be parallels with when you were young, and there will be differences. Instead offer something like: ‘being dumped is s---, here’s how I coped with it’. It’s very difficult to give up your ‘power’ and responsibility for your child, but it’s valuable for both of you – you can always advise and support, but wait to be asked.”

And if the next partner contributes to noisy sex while you are trying to work on that spreadsheet? Don’t just ignore it, advises Quilliam. “The situation may feel embarrassing, but you may find your child is not as embarrassed as you are,” she says. “Enlist them in the problem. Say: If you were in my situation, what would you do?” Divide the emotional from the practical. Accepting your child is now your equal is a difficult thing to do, but it’s also the loving thing to do.”

As for me: the evening after my noisy bedroom/study scenario, the girlfriend had fled and I was having dinner alone with my son. I said to Alfie: “I heard you this morning when I was trying to work.” I kept it light but made it clear that his behaviour was disturbing me. He understood immediately what I was getting at. He told me that he was sorry and that it wouldn’t happen again.

Sure enough, I’m now able to work on my projects in blissful silence. Alfie’s girlfriend even brought me a home-made piece of lemon cake as an apology.