This is how we do it: ‘We haven’t even tried to have sex for three years’

Daphne, 62

My husband Louis and I haven’t had sex for three years. I am no longer as sexually attracted to Louis as I used to be, and I think the feeling is mutual. It makes me sad, but it’s not just me. I know lots of couples who really love each other but who don’t have sex any more. Having sex with the same person for 25 years is like eating every meal at the same restaurant. Once every few years you might think: “We haven’t been to that restaurant for a while, perhaps we should go back?” But you don’t want to eat there every night.

What really destroyed our relationship was working together at home, which we started doing during the pandemic. We have a medium-sized flat and taking phone calls all day side-by-side caused us to quarrel. I’m very dedicated to my work, as is Louis, and it was hard to handle. I never understand when people say that “quarrels lead to good sex”. Perhaps they do if you are 20 years old, but after I quarrel with Louis, the last thing I want to do is have sex with him.

Louis moved out, which we hoped would help our sex life. But it hasn’t. It’s like we’ve both lost the need for sexual touch from one another. We hug and kiss but it’s always in a tender way, not in a sexy way. I’m 11 years older than Louis and have always taken the dominant role in bed. Part of the issue is that he has developed a desire to be more assertive. That’s natural: we all grow and change as we age.

I’ve tried to adapt to his new tastes, but you cannot simply adapt to the other person to the extent that you lose yourself. I also have less intense orgasms and a lower sex drive now, as I am postmenopausal. Louis’ body has changed, too – he is not so comfortable with the way he looks.

Louis is still the person I love most in the world. He is so wise and has this wonderful, weird sense of humour. I’m aware that if we go on like this I may lose him. At some point, either of us might meet someone else. Louis is very dedicated and loving. Once he falls for another woman, that will be it! But I’m not willing to use sex as a tool to keep him. We still love each other fondly, and perhaps that’s enough for now.

Callout

Louis, 51

My libido has disappeared. At 51, I feel like a different person to the man I was in my late 20s when I met Daphne. I used to play the submissive role in bed, and that doesn’t appeal to me so much any more. But it’s not like I have any desire to play a different role. I don’t fantasise about being unfaithful and having sex with a stranger – but I don’t want to have sex with my wife any more, either. Perhaps sex is not so important to me any more.

I know Daphne feels the same way, although we never really talk about it. I can’t remember the last time she asked me for sex. Working together at home certainly caused things to deteriorate. She will work and work and work, and if you’re always working, you certainly don’t have the energy for sex.

Our bodies have changed, too. Three years ago, we were at the stage where we did have sex, about once every seven to eight months. But Daphne found it much more difficult to reach orgasm, and I wasn’t always able to achieve a full erection or climax.

One thing that plays on my mind is that I am overweight. I don’t feel attractive. Sometimes I wonder whether we stop ourselves reaching out for one another because we are scared. Her age still doesn’t bother me, but I think it worries her. So I’m scared to reach out to her because of my weight, and she feels scared because she is getting older.

We still have a great life together. We go out, we talk, watch movies and eat wonderful meals. We may not have erotic love, but we have a deep, lasting love. But something is missing. Over the weekend, we were travelling together and we watched a beautiful sunset. Everything was perfect: we had this amazing view, a hotel room. But still, neither of us asked for sex or tried to awaken our sexual sides. Nothing happened. We just went to sleep.