Can a dominatrix masterclass make me more assertive outside the bedroom?
I wince as Mistress Elaina hands me the flogger. I don’t want to hurt him… or do I? “He’ll say his safe word if it’s too hard, right?” I ask hesitantly. “You won’t do it too hard,” Elaina affirms. He is Elaina’s ‘pain slut’, a man in his early 40s who’s a regular client of her dominatrix services — and, for today, he’s my client, too. Somewhat reassured, I stroll over to where he’s bending, stark naked, over a leather bondage bench and awkwardly flick the tassel flogger across his butt cheeks. It barely makes an impact, so I try again, this time mimicking Elaina’s technique, starting with a reassuring hand to establish skin-on-skin contact, then a verbal warning before a hard strike with the flogger. He squeals, giving me a surprisingly gratifying sense of triumph.
It may come as a surprise — given that young people are apparently kinker than ever — but this is my first time spanking someone. Although I’ve long been interested in embracing dominance in the bedroom, it’s rarely felt within my reach; on the rare occasion that I have been asked to take charge, for example, I’ve always found myself freezing up with nerves. And so, I did what any dominant-curious woman would do: I signed up to a dominatrix masterclass (duh!).
The masterclass in question is taking place on a wet Saturday afternoon in mid-October, in a well-equipped dungeon deep within a north London industrial estate. It’s hosted by Mistress Elaina, a pro-Domme of five years, who’s been running these workshops — which she calls Ms to Mistress: Learn to Be a Dominatrix — since 2019.
Elaina’s classes are yet another notch on the belt of BDSM’s rising popularity. Dating apps like Feeld and Pure — which are practically mainstream now — have created shame-free spaces for people to openly explore their fetishes, kinks, and non-traditional relationship styles. Fetishwear is having a resurgence on the runway, appearing on the catwalks of everyone from Gucci to Givenchy. The figure of the dominatrix herself has been glamorised and valorised on-screen, via the likes of Julia Fox who recently detailed her real-life experience as a dominatrix in her 2023 memoir, Down The Drain and Zoe Levin in Netflix’s 2019 series BONDiNG (though pro-Dommes have been critical about the latter). Not to mention the recent boom of sex parties like Torture Garden, Klub Verboten, and Killing Kittens, as well as kink classes (like Elaina’s) that help fledgling kinksters learn better communication and safer practices.
But Elaina’s workshops aren’t just about dominatrix training. In fact, I’m not here to learn how to be a dominatrix. I’m here because I came across the masterclass on Eventbrite and thought its underlying aims — to teach women how to be more assertive in general — might help with my current predicament. You see, after two years of celibacy (between 2021 and 2023), largely due to not meeting anyone who truly intrigued me, my confidence took a hit. I had lost touch with friends, felt isolated, and grew self-conscious about my body. All of which contributed to a pause in my social life and began to hold me back at work.
Now, okay, I know a dominatrix masterclass is an extreme way of addressing this, but Dommes are undoubtedly experts in pushing boundaries and embodying their assertiveness. Besides, what else could be more fun than (consensually) torturing men?
And so, back in the dungeon, I (along with seven other women) am about to embark on an eight-hour journey to master the art of professional sexual dominance. When I first enter the space and navigate past a human-sized cage, I feel the sobering grip of fear, and it dawns on me that this is what clients are paying for — the thrill of the threat. Of all the participants, I’m the most, shall we say, underdressed. While the others are wearing leather corsets, glossy PVC, or, well, nothing at all, I’m wearing a blue floor-length dress that’s more suited to a family wedding than an erotic play-space (I went back another day to take photos).
But there’s no time to be self-conscious. Almost straight away, we begin with the basics: tools and safety. “Too many people wave a cane without knowing what they’re doing,” says Elaina, pointing toward a detailed diagram labelled ‘Anatomy of a Spanking’. The safest areas for spanking, I quickly learn, are the fleshy parts of the body, particularly the buttocks, as these can absorb impact effectively. But for added surprise and intensity, you can aim for the upper thighs.
We explore the array of toys on the table before us — spiked cock rings, canes, e-stim devices (designed to give an electric shock) — feeling our way through each one. My favourite quickly becomes the pinwheel, a small, spiked, rotating wheel with a slim handle. It serves as a warm-up before more intense activities, helping to explore and negotiate boundaries, and it shines best when used on someone who’s blindfolded, leaving them in suspense about what’s coming next.
Once we’ve got the theory out of the way, we get into the meat of the workshop: and by meat, I mean Elaina’s ‘pain slut’, who’s restrained on a giant cross. During my turn, I start by clipping clothes pegs to his penis. At first, I move carefully, taking my time, but the less he flinches, the more I want to surprise him. As he’s blindfolded, he can’t see what’s coming next, so I use one of the e-stims to shock him, and he jumps (bingo!) — well, as much as he can with his wrists and ankles restrained. I enjoy catching him off guard, but briefly question whether I should have. Then I remember where I am. The whole point is to catch him off guard, and I have the power to make it happen. (This has all been agreed in advance, ofc, and if it ever becomes too much for him, he’ll say his safe word, cucumber.)
Towards the end of the class, we learn how to respond to a brat (a defiant submissive who enjoys testing their Dominant’s control) and their playful resistance with firm, calculated questions that shift control back to the Domme. For example, a brat who might try to push limits by saying, ‘You can’t make me’, could be met with, ‘Do you think that’s true?’ or ‘Are you testing my patience?’ By asking questions instead of giving direct commands, the Domme retains control without becoming aggressive — a tactic meant to tame a brat’s rebellion.
As we wrap up, Elaina reflects on how no two Dommes are the same; some are silent and serious, others are motherly and nurturing, but she is always laughing. “There’s plenty of time in life to be serious,” she tells us. “As long as you take health and safety seriously, you can have fun with everything else.”
“I want these ladies to leave feeling empowered, knowing they can embrace their desires without shame or awkwardness,” Elaina explains later, when we catch up at the pub after the workshop. “That’s why I have everyone write down and share their fantasies aloud in the workshop. I love seeing where people’s imaginations go. People want to explore, but fear of judgement holds them back.” When I tell her that I feel it’s often expected that I’ll be submissive in a sexual encounter, she isn’t surprised. “That sounds like the patriarchy,” she adds.
Elaina also tells me that moments like my first time with the flogger are why she leads the workshops. “There’s something incredibly rewarding about teaching someone how to spank properly for the first time,” she says. “At first, they arrive shy and nervous, doubting their abilities. But then I see their excitement as they realise they can do it.”
Although I’m not quite ready to flog my own sexual partners (yet...), the workshop definitely helped me come out of my shell. I’ve begun sharing ideas at work with newfound enthusiasm and striking up conversations with colleagues I once found intimidating. I’ve started pole dancing lessons to keep the playful exploration going and to embrace my body confidence in a whole new way. I even had a date at La Camionera, east London’s chicest new lesbian bar.
Elaina’s submissive taught me that fear can be enjoyable and serves as a surprising ally in creativity and confidence; it’s all about trusting myself in the unknown. Ultimately, the hardest part of wielding power is believing you can — and sometimes you need a dominatrix to show you how.
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