Fittingly for a man known as the Metronome, Toni Kroos is a man whose life is governed by simple yet strict routines.

He shaves daily – you will never see any beard on his face. He listens to Olly Murs* nightly – for inspiration. He gets his hair cut fortnightly – if a strand strays anywhere near his ears, it all comes off. And once a month, almost like clockwork, he gets linked with a move to Manchester United.

It’s little surprise, therefore – not to us, and not to Toni – to see the Red Devils sniffing around his baby-smooth cheeks this morning.

“Jose Mourinho has launched a Kroos missile at Real Madrid,” declares the the Sunday Mirror. And that’s not the headline, or even a sub-headline, it is actually the first paragraph of their story about it. Bold as brass. Incredible.

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The article goes on to claim that the United manager is so “angered” by Madrid’s renewed pursuit of David de Gea that he has demanded the German midfielder in part-exchange.

United are “playing hardball” over the potential sale of their goalkeeper and will reportedly demand a fee of at least £60m – “unless Kroos is included in the negotiations”.

But they must know, of course, that they have as much chance of luring Kroos to Old Trafford as they did last month, and all the months before that for the past four years. (I.e. – very little chance.)

So Kroos will probably just ignore this story, pat his face down with warm water and stick some Murs on the stereo (actually he should do the latter two things in the opposite order to avoid electrocution).

Madrid’s Mbappe mission

In yesterday’s Hot Football Transfer Gossip, Arsene Wenger was reportedly convinced that Alexis Sanchez would stay at Arsenal – only for the Chilean to state his desire to quit the Emirates (or, more specifically, the Europa League) mere hours later.

Today, the oracle has spoken again, as Wenger predicts in the Sun on Sunday that Kylian Mbappe will “stay at Monaco for one more year”. So expect the teenager’s £120m move to Real Madrid to be sealed by this afternoon.

No, really. The Sunday Express says Real are so determined to sign the 18-year-old forward that they are willing to sell Gareth Bale to “raise funds” for the transfer. That’s partly because they failed to offload Alvaro Morata to Man Utd, but the Red Devils will presumably be quite happy to take Bale of their hands instead.

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From Leipzig to Liverpool

Is this Naby Keita fella any good? Let’s hope so for Liverpool’s sake, because the Sunday Mirror says the Reds are set to make a £70m offer for RB Leipzig midfielder, having had a £57m bid rejected. Bizarrely, the Guinean has a £48m release clause in his contract, but that doesn’t become active until next summer. Should have just got him on loan, innit.

Elsewhere, Stoke City have told West Ham they must pay £22.5m for forward target Marko Arnautovic (Mail on Sunday), Tottenham want to sign midfielder Ross Barkley “this week” but they are only willing to pay half of Everton’s £50m valuation (People) and the free-spending Toffees are plotting a £30m move for Arsenal winger Theo Walcott (Sunday Mirror). Or is he a striker? It’s never quite been confirmed.

*That was not just a flippant gag about Toni Kroos listening to Olly Murs, by the way. Kroos once listed the Essex crooner as his favourite artist in a Twitter Q&A (along with James Blunt, Robbie Wiliams and Ed Sheeran) and even presented Murs with a special German music award in 2015. Basically, the man’s taste in music is catastrophic.

@darlingkevin