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Hefty historical burdens on and off the pitch … enter Thomas Tuchel
TACTICS ARE BACK, BABY
An impossible job? Graham Taylor crystallised the England management experience when he raged and flailed in a Rotterdam dugout for our amusement – but in truth, ever since Walter Winterbottom changed desks at FA HQ in 1946, The England Job has been a fraught, contradictory puzzle. We’ve seen the best managerial minds of many generations destroyed by its complexities, the hefty historical burdens on and off the pitch burrowing their way into the psyches of even the most forensic football men. Fabio Capello, a legendary coach whose total lack of PR smarts lit a fire that burned his England reign to the ground, once pointed to the side of his head to outline the impassible obstacle to success – he was talking about his players (of course he was), but it felt like a Freudian slip.
From faith healers to Parisian boating trips, this is a job where one bad decision or careless quote can rewrite your legacy. By the end of his tenure, 75% of Gareth Southgate’s job was trying to dodge these traps with a weary dignity – only for his interim replacement, Lee Carsley, to bundle into all of them simultaneously. Having gone to great lengths to pretend this job was no different to managing the under-21s, Carsley has melted in the glare of the spotlight, his audition turning into a one-man production: How Not to Manage England.
So, who’s next? The Carsley project had seemed a convenient way to mask the dearth of available homegrown options – there are four English managers in the Premier League, and three of them are currently in the bottom five. This week, there has been a clear turn towards a foreign manager, familiar with both the English game and the business of lifting trophies. First up, reports emerged that Pep Guardiola was contacted by the FA over the summer to sound out his interest, and did not just laugh until the line went dead. It’s hard to imagine why, even amid Manchester City’s current uncertainties, Guardiola would accept a rapid reduction in pay and trophies, in exchange for a sharp rise in tedious press conferences and general hassle. Perhaps FA suits had hoped Pep might be seduced by the England job’s historical impossibility, like an ancient unsolved puzzle carved on a monolith. But things move fast in the white heat and noise of an international break, and by Tuesday morning, the FA had moved on to another tactical doyen with his prints on Big Cup: Tommy T!
Having left Bayern Munich at the end of last season, Thomas Tuchel is available and now in advanced talks to take the reins from an ashen, trembling Carsley. As with Guardiola, the German as England manager would require an all-access documentary series: a Heston x Little Chef for the streaming era. Picture the scene: Tuchel in Three Lions cap and gilet, revved up to discuss inverted full-backs, instead being asked by a gallery of red-faced hacks why he refuses to sing our national anthem. Any thoughts on “Ten German Bombers”, Thomas? Where do you stand on the woke agenda? The idea of hiring a successful, talented manager fixated on what happens on the pitch, and parachuting him into a job riddled with off-field pitfalls is an undeniably fascinating prospect. Much like Blumenthal’s high-concept adventures on the side of Britain’s A-roads, it will surely end in tears – but just as when Taylor howled into the void 30 years ago, it will be impossible to look away.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
12 October: “Resilience comes from support and the perceived support that you have. By sticking together in these times here is the only way to go forward” – Jonas Eidevall reacts after Arsenal’s 2-1 home defeat to rivals Chelsea, their third straight game without a win.
15 October: “We can confirm that Jonas Eidevall has resigned from his position as head coach of our women’s first team and leaves us with immediate effect” – ah.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
The stuff about Didier Deschamps and the effect of butterflies flapping their wings half a planet away (yesterday’s Football Daily) strikes me as over-egging it. As Ken Dodd told us, Didier means very small and Deschamps just means some fields. Are we just not talking about some small fields in the Neuilly countryside?” – Phil Hearn.
Talk of the butterfly effect offers an opportunity to quote the great PG Wodehouse (whom every opportunity to quote should be taken). He offered the following description of a golfer which is certainly one I recognise all too well: ‘The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.’ Do we know if Deschamps is a golfer in his spare time (when he has put his buckets of water down, of course)?” – Charlie Ashmore
Re: yesterday’s Quote of the Day. I was prescribed Sudocrem once for a heat rash. The more I applied, the redder I got. Turned out I was allergic to something in the cream. If the same applies to Horndean FC, they could end up looking like they had their backsides slapped all season” – Andrew.
Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Andrew. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.
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