At age 33, Chari Hawkins achieved a dream that for years had felt impossible: She made the U.S. Olympic team.

She floated through her early days in Paris feeling lucky to be there and excited to compete.

“I never thought it was going to be my reality. So to have it be my reality, I was living a pinch me moment over and over,” the former Utah State star told the Deseret News.

But on the first day of the women’s heptathlon, Hawkins came crashing back down to earth.

She “no heighted” the high jump event, meaning she failed to record a score and would likely come in last place even if she finished out the final 1.5 days of the competition.

Footage of Hawkins crying with her team went viral, as everyone from star athletes to regular people commented on her Olympic heartbreak. Meanwhile, Hawkins was regrouping with her team and talking about what it would look like to choose resilience over resignation.

“I wanted to do it for the person talking to you right now. I knew the person I am now, my future self, needed that self at the Olympics to finish the meet. I knew that if I finished, my pain would be gone,” Hawkins said.

“So I cried, and I screamed into my pillow. I bawled my eyes out. Then, I stepped back on the Olympic stage with my head held high.”

Hawkins, who is based in San Diego, ultimately finished in 21st place ahead of two women who dropped out. She mourned the medal she’d envisioned winning, but she also felt grateful for her time with Team USA.

Nearly three months after her whirlwind Olympics, Hawkins spoke with the Deseret News about what was going through her mind during that viral moment — and where she’ll go from here.

This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

Deseret News: At 33, you were older than most first-time Olympians. Describe your path to Paris.

Chari Hawkins: In 2021, I didn’t make the Olympic team after feeling like the Olympics were a real possibility. It was so devastating, especially because I was 30 years old. I didn’t think I was ever going to be able to call myself an Olympian.

I knew I wasn’t going to retire that year, but I didn’t think I would continue my journey for three more years. Training is a lot for your body. It takes a toll.

But one thing led to another and I just kept continuing to train.

In 2022, I had an amazing year but didn’t make the world team, so I thought I cannot end my career like this. I’m only going to do one more year.

Then, I had an incredible 2023, and I made the world championship team. The world championships was great, but, in my head, I didn’t even come close to being able to give it my all. Because of that, I again thought I’m going to go one more year.

I made it to the Olympics this year because all those things turned me into such a fighter and made me really hungry.

Being at the Olympics was just the most incredible experience. It was a magical time. Every training that I did was exciting, and I tried to take in every moment.

DN: The track and field events took place near the end of the Olympics. Did you have a chance to enjoy Paris before you competed?

CH: I was trying to stay in the zone the whole time, and I had to focus on making sure my body got enough rest.

When you compete in the heptathlon, you have two 15-hour days back-to-back. You want to make sure you’re not putting too many miles on your feet ahead of that, even if you’re just walking around.

After training, I would rest. But one day I did go and see the Olympic rings at the Eiffel Tower.

DN: When it came time to compete, what were you focused on? What were your goals?

CH: My goal, honestly, was to get a medal. It was to bring home a medal, 100%.

We play this game in heptathlon where you take out a calculator and put in what you know you can accomplish in terms of personal bests and points. You’re trying to be realistic, but you’re also going to be pushing yourself. Everything in my head was leading to a silver medal.

DN: Take us through what was going through your head on the first day of the heptathlon when you no heighted the high jump.

CH: I’ve never no heighted before in my life. I was actually going to start at a height higher than I ended up missing three times.

It was a really bizarre environment, for sure. There wasn’t an official running the pit, and none of us knew what order we were going in. I would be there trying to get ready and focus and then get yanked out of my preparation and told to go.

Before the third attempt, I was thinking I need to clear this bar, this easy bar. I need to focus and get it over with. I’m going to get through this. It’s fine, I’ll be ready.

But as I was talking to my coach, I realized that the time was already ticking down on my attempt. I was the only jumper left on that round. So for that final jump, I didn’t take the normal time I take to visualize the jump and focus. I wasn’t able to do the things that make me good at high jump.

And so I didn’t clear it. And even though the environment was chaotic, I still take full accountability. I was the one who knocked the bar off three times. I was the only one who did that.

It’s easy to want to blame others. To want to blame the circumstances.

What I like to do is allow my knowledge of the circumstances to help me give myself grace.

I literally have been clearing that bar on the first attempt for 10 years. But realistically, I have to be able to look at myself and say you’re an amazing high jumper, but these were really rough circumstances and the task was too big for you in that moment.

DN: Footage of you crying with your team went viral after the high jump event. Did you see all the messages of support?

CH: My husband told me there was a video of me breaking down with my coach, but I didn’t see people’s commentary about it.

I did see the video, and as I watched, it was a rare moment of getting to see your own heart break right in front of you.

It was odd. I was me looking at a girl living through that moment. But the girl was also me. It was a weird, out-of-body moment.

DN: Did you consider dropping out of the heptathlon after the high jump?

CH: I think my team and I always knew I would finish the competition.

There are times in the heptathlon where you might drop out because you’ve got another competition coming up in a couple weeks. But at the Olympics, I can’t imagine being in a position where I would leave.

Because I’ve lived the moment where I didn’t make the Olympic team and wasn’t an Olympian. I can’t imagine how it would feel to not make the team and have someone who made the team over me drop out of that sacred competition.

I also had the opportunity to talk with Deanna Price. She’s a (hammer) thrower, and she didn’t qualify for the final after fouling. She was bawling, and I was bawling, and it was actually quite nice to be able to comfort each other. I was wondering if this had to happen so that we could comfort each other.

After talking with her, I was thinking that Deanna would have taken the chance to compete in the finals if she had one even if she was ineligible for a medal, but that wasn’t an option. But I had that rare opportunity to finish my competition.

And I have a sponsor, Lumenis, whose OptiLIGHT treatment helps me with my dry eye disease, that helped me get my family to Paris to watch me compete. They didn’t come to watch me win a medal. They came because I’m a heptathlete, and I made the team. They wanted to watch me do a heptathlon and do all the things I love.

DN: Did you feel better when you kept going like you thought you would?

CH: I felt so much pain and anguish and fear and sadness until the starting gun went off for the 800.

In the 800, I did my best to stay focused, pay attention and go hard to the very end. As I finished, I saw my time was the second fastest time I’d run in 10 years. All that pain was replaced with gratitude.

DN: The Olympics ended about three months ago. What are you focused on now, and what plans have you made for the future?

CH: The one thing I do know is that in 2025, I’m not going to be competing for the world championships. My nervous system needs a little break.

But the next year is going to be jam-packed with the most exciting things. I’ve written a children’s book, and I’m working to get it published. I’m also working on a memoir about my journey and the things I’ve learned along the way.

I’m getting ready to film and release a podcast series, and I’m also going to be releasing a lot of online trainings. I learned over a 20-year period what it takes to become an Olympian and I want to share that knowledge with others so that it won’t take them 20 years.

DN: How are you feeling now about the 2028 Olympics?

CH: I’m thinking that the only way it’ll be possible for me to compete in 2028 is if I don’t compete in 2025.

The next year will be an opportunity for me to push myself into new realms, have new experiences and do new things, and then see what it all turns into.

I could have such an incredible year that I just want to keep exploring new things, or I could feel so recharged, rejuvenated and ready to get back to competing with three years left to make it to the 2028 Olympics.

I’m open to either outcome and excited for both realms of possibility.

If I do decide to go back in 2028, I’ll be going back for a medal. If I don’t, I’ll look to help with the broadcast of the event and share my experience with news outlets covering the event.