I Used To Judge Couples Who Slept In Separate Bedrooms, Until I Became One Of Them
My late husband Remi and I slept happily in the same bed throughout our nearly 12 years together. At the time, I couldn’t understand my couple friends who slept separately. I wondered to myself if it was a sign of a bigger problem in their relationship.
I’m older now, and hopefully wiser. I’ve had more than seven years’ practice sleeping alone since Remi died. Now I find myself in a relationship again. And it’s going well — really well. But we don’t have many sleepovers. My partner and I have the luxury of living right around the corner from one another.
I know there’s nothing wrong with having our separate lives, but it feels in stark contrast to my relationship with Remi. Is it possible that sleeping in separate bedrooms, or even separate houses, is sustainable and even healthy for some couples? Or should we want to sleep in the same bed every night?
Depending on which study you consult, the number of couples sleeping separately ranges from one in three (a recent survey by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine), to one in four (a 2012 survey by the Better Sleep Council and a 2017 survey from the National Sleep Foundation), to one in five (a 2023 survey of 2,200 Americans conducted by the International Housewares Association for The New York Times).
Therapist Megan Lara Negendank, the executive director of Love Heal Grow, told HuffPost that she was “starting to notice that a lot of couples that were coming in were reporting that they slept in different beds, and at first, I think I had my own biases, because I was like, ‘Oh, I bet this is why they’re having problems…’ but then I got really curious about it.”
Negendank said that she has since realized that “a lot of happy couples [are] sleeping apart…people are just getting better sleep in different rooms, and that’s OK.”
Psychologist Morag Yule, the director of Ontario Sex Therapy, said that sleeping separately is not a sign of a bigger relationship problem.
“As a sex therapist, I spend a lot of time talking to people about the ‘shoulds’ of our relationships…a lot of the work I do is trying to identify what is actually right for each person as an individual, translating that to a couple, and trying to get away from the social expectations and norms around it,” she said.
Remi and I had no barriers to sharing a bed, but I’m learning that this was something of a unicorn situation. There are many reasons a couple might choose to sleep apart: snoring, restlessness, insomnia, frequent trips to the bathroom, incompatible sleep schedules, shift work, conflicting circadian rhythms and wind-down routines all come to mind.
Emma C., a 38-year-old in Toronto, Canada, has been with her partner for 4 1/2 years. For the past year, they’ve been sleeping apart. Her partner snores, and they have different circadian rhythms — he’s a night owl and she’s an early bird. Emma said that spending the night together was bad for her sleep and was affecting other areas of her life.
“It was only ever supposed to be temporary, but we’ve kind of made peace with the fact that this is how it is for now,” Emma, who asked to withhold her last name for privacy reasons, told HuffPost.
While the logistics of sleeping separately are “a pain in the butt…knowing that we’re both getting what we need…lets us focus our energy on more important things in our relationship,” Emma said.
There are many reasons a couple might choose to sleep apart: snoring, restlessness, insomnia, frequent trips to the bathroom, incompatible sleep schedules, shift work, conflicting circadian rhythms and wind-down routines all come to mind.
The first time I spent the night with my current partner, I didn’t sleep at all. He snored off and on, and I felt restless. We’ve since had a few more sleepovers, always at his place because he has a dog to look after, and we’re getting better at sharing a bed. But I still sleep better alone and in my own bed.
Research backs up my experience. A 2024 study of mice published in ScienceDirect found that co-sleeping can negatively impact sleep. But researchers also found that, although overall sleep quality was worse when the mice slept together, they still chose closeness over uninterrupted sleep. This desire for prolonged physical contact — or “somatolonging,” a term coined in the study — appears to be the motivation behind sacrificing good sleep for a sense of safety and physical connection with a partner.
Jennifer V., a 38-year-old in Zurich, Switzerland, has lived with her partner for four years, and the two sleep in separate bedrooms. They often have different work schedules, so their sleeping arrangement is convenient. Jennifer, who requested her last name be withheld, admitted that while she loves the closeness of sharing a bed occasionally, she sleeps better on her own.
For her partner, it was a condition of moving in together that they each have their own bedroom. At first, Jennifer felt hurt by this, she said. It took her a long time to not see his desire for space as a rejection.
Jennifer said that when she and her partner do spend the night in the same bed, “it’s much more special…It’s like a sleepover. It’s exciting.”
Emily G., a 40-year-old in Montreal, Canada, who also requested her last name be withheld, has been with her fiancé for 15 years. In their first apartment as a couple, they had a primary and a guest bedroom. While they usually started off sleeping in the same bed, her partner would often move to the guest bed in the middle of the night.
“I remember being really hurt by that…I didn’t realize the benefits of being able to sleep separately initially,” Emily said.
The pair recently bought their first home, which only has one bedroom. Emily said that they still occasionally start the night apart, with one of them hanging on the couch if they want to stay up later, but they always end up in the shared bed. While Emily said that she enjoys falling asleep in her fiancé’s arms, she recognizes that sleeping apart is sometimes the best way to get good quality sleep.
Unlike the research in mice, studies of humans find there are benefits to sharing a bed with a partner. A2020 study published in Frontiers in Psychiatry, found a positive correlation between sleep quality and couples who sleep in the same bed. Co-sleeping was associated with 10% more REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep, compared to when couples sleep separately. And a 2022 study published in SLEEP journal concluded that sleeping with a partner is correlated with lower depression, anxiety, reduced stress, overall greater social support, and life and relationship satisfaction.
It’s still early days for my partner and me, but I’m starting to think about what I might want in my next long-term relationship, whether that means sleeping in the same bed, living together or getting married. There are many more models out there now for how to be in partnership, and we get to make our own rules, both as individuals and as couples.
