I’m in my anti people-pleaser era: how both Victoria Beckham and I found freedom at 50
Victoria Beckham just told Harper's Bazaar: "I woke up at 50, and I gave a s**t less."
Yes V.B.! Welcome to the zero f***s club. I’m so glad you're embracing your strong woman era. That you've got to the age and stage where you are rejecting people pleasing and perfectionism. I'm here too and it's excellent.
When I met V.B. a few years ago she struck me as someone who cared. A lot. I think, like many of us born in the 70s, she absorbed the subliminal messaging that a desirable woman is one who has it all under control. Who is perfection personified, always striving to achieve near impossible levels of grooming, household management and motherhood.
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A woman who is liked, kind, soft and malleable. A woman who makes everyone else feel comfortable, is grateful for her lot and doesn't challenge authority. Someone who bats back compliments and undersells her achievements so as not to make anyone else feel less than. Oh and subordinates her own needs for others.
It has taken me a long time to unpick those behaviours in myself and work out just how much they were limiting me.
Let's take being a perfectionist. Victoria Beckham confesses she is one. It's obvious that she exacts serious control over her brands and personal image. Both require next level dedication. For the latter, it's about daily exercise, a very strict diet (she laughed recently that sake wine is the only carb she countenances). Her home looks immaculate with perfect fires roaring in the grate and extreme levels of tidiness (David trims the candle wicks every night before bed!).
But I wonder if V.B., like me, has come to the realisation that religiously maintaining the body beautiful and living in a show home is not actually great for anyone. Regarding the former, it means life is pretty much zero fun. And the latter? Well, it’s obviously exhausting keeping every surface clear and the Rose Uniacke approved coffee table scaped with impressive, but unreadable fashion books and objet d’art.
Visitors, I’ve realised, rather than being impressed and inspired, just feel unworthy and uncomfortable. It makes everyone feel more human if there is an unflushed loo (thanks kids) or a misaligned scatter cushion.
And in terms of the looks, you realise if you are striving to achieve the images in ads or magazines then you are attempting the impossible. And as beauty industry insiders V.B. and I know more than most that those pictures do not reflect the reality. As Cindy Crawford famously said, "I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford."
What about learning to ignore what people say about you? This is hard for V.B. as millions of people have an opinion of her. Every person she encounters will remember their exchange forever. I’m sure she cared deeply about what the press and public said about her in her younger years. But it seems to me age has given her the wisdom to know that you can’t control people's reactions to you.
I've learnt this. People's response to you will often come from their own life experiences. They see you through their prism, and this means sometimes they get it wrong. It's not up to you to change their perception.
RELATED: How I cracked the secret to midlife happiness at 49
It truly is one of the gifts of getting older that you get much more comfortable with who you are. And that's well worth the crow's feet and creaky knees.
Which brings us onto knowing your own worth. But that's a whole other feature…
