"I Was Googling Divorce Attorneys": People Are Getting Brutally Honest About How Their Marriages Changed After Having Children
Having a baby is one of the most monumental life changes, and there's no doubt that bringing a child into the world changes the dynamics of a marriage. Well, over on Quora, someone asked, "After having a baby, how did your relationship with your spouse change?" And people started getting really candid about the subject. Here are some changes people felt with their partners after welcoming a new baby into the world.
1."I won't paint a fake picture of love here. The dynamics of an intimate relationship change 180 degrees after having children. It's not about you two now. Romance, sex, free time, chats, cuddles, all these activities take a comfortable backseat (also because they had become routine and you don't crave them)..."
"...Having kids has added a beautiful grace to our relationship as a couple. We are a family now; we are more responsible than before, and we have common goals and the actual shape of our love. The relationship has changed; we are not so much into each other now. I don't get that pampering that I used to enjoy years ago; my wife has almost no time for herself, and we have to share a lot of extra work with kids. But every morning, when the kids wake up and smile at us, we feel connected through an inseparable rope of immense love. We see each other through those eyes and smile together."
2."I loved my husband less after having a baby. He also lost my respect, trust, and perception of him as an adult and man. It started when he wanted to play video games at his cousin's house immediately after the baby was born. He mentioned it while I was delivering the placenta and was gone before the APGAR came back; he didn't even stick around to make sure the baby was healthy and didn't come back until the next day. Then, there was the refusal to parent, with every excuse imaginable..."
"He didn't change a diaper for the first time until the baby was six months old. He did zero night feedings and barely even held the baby, not even long enough for me to take a shower. It was always 'I don't know what to do' or 'What am I supposed to do? Babies don't do anything.' Dude, just sit on the couch like you were going to anyway, but with the baby in the crook of your arm. He rebuked and guilted me for asking for or expressing the need for a break; I was, according to him, 'a bad mom who should be grateful to spend every second with my child.' He never stepped up and got promoted to ex a long time ago..."
3."People are fond of saying, 'Your first year of marriage is the hardest'. For me, that was not even close to the truth. My wife and I did not live together before we were married, so our first two years of marriage had a few adjustments to which any couple living together can relate. It wasn't too bad, though..."
"...Spontaneity kept our marriage lively. When we wanted to visit friends, we visited friends. When we wanted to travel, we traveled. Just over two years later, our first child was born. That was when our lives really changed. The first night we brought him home from the hospital, I had to work. I got a call from my wife a couple of hours later. She was in the bathroom changing the baby’s diaper when the power went out. This was a shadow of things to come.
He was very colicky and did not sleep through the night for the better part of a year. Of course, he could only tolerate the most expensive non-dairy formula our doctor could recommend. The spontaneity was gone from our relationship. All of a sudden, we had to plan everything. Money was tighter. We had to arrange child daycare and occasionally arrange for a sitter. Our closest family member was over 1,000 miles away, so no help there. In an instant, the dynamic of our whole marriage changed. It was worth all the changes our relationship experienced, but that was the year of our biggest changes. If I had to do it all over, I would happily do it again, but without as many novice mistakes."
4."My husband and my relationship has changed in many ways since having our 15-month-old daughter. For one, we don't go out as much. This isn't because we can't find the time or someone to babysit or even because we are exhausted. It's just the fact that going out costs money, and when you have a kid, you start to think about their needs more than your own. Sure, we still go out for a meal or a pint, even as much as once or twice a week, but we've wrangled in on the splurging. Thankfully, Portland is pretty kid-friendly, and most of our favorite brewpubs have a play corner; score!"
"Also, our topics of conversation have changed. We might talk to each other too much about our daughter. We recap every little silly/funny/sad thing she did that day and flip through photos taken minutes earlier. But she's so cute! And hilarious! And fun! We love it even when she gets mad and curses us with her little rage fists! Thankfully, we curb this pretty well around other people and try not to bring her up too much unless someone specifically asks.
Next is our spontaneity. Living where we do in Portland means you are only a few hours away from something amazing. We have the ocean, mountains, rivers, lakes, waterfalls, forests, snow, and deserts. Before Child (B.C.), we would often head out early in the morning on the weekend and seek out adventure. With a child, there is a bit more planning. We still go on trips, but we must schedule them around her nap schedule; otherwise, NO ONE is happy.
Also, our communication is different. This is a weird one, but I feel we communicate better than we were at B.C. This is because there is A LOT more that needs to be communicated. You have more responsibilities that need to be divided up; you need to organize and prioritize. And when you have a toddler, someone is always on baby duty. You are also trying to teach a child how to act in society. So you spend much time dictating your needs to each other. 'May I have a glass of water, please? Thank you!' 'Would you do me a favor and start a load of laundry? I will fold it when it is done.'
Other things might go through temporary states of change. Sex is the obvious one people talk about, but you find your way back to normal or what is a new normal. But I know we're happy in our little tripod family, with love and appreciation spilling from every seam."
5."Hell, I felt disconnected from myself after having a baby. I had a C-section nine months ago and am still numb in the area, so that adds to the disconnection in my body. Once you have a baby, the shock that you are now responsible for another life is mind-blowing. Not having had an actual human growing in him for nine months, a man has no idea what a woman is feeling or needs. Once I gave birth, all I wanted was some sympathy and hugs. He tried to do chores and errands and care for the baby while I healed. He thought he was doing everything, but I felt he wasn't giving me what I needed most: personal attention and care..."
"...The disconnection comes in the form of time and energy. But before that, postpartum is its own beast. You have all these bad thoughts and feelings, still healing from birth, you're barely getting sleep, and you have to care for a newborn. All of this creates an environment where you get annoyed easily, and resentment sets in.
But don’t despair! It gets a lot better as your hormones drop, and though your connection to your husband will now always be different since you are a newly minted mom and dad, you may start to connect on a much deeper level because now you are a family. Sex, intimacy, and romance…those aspects of a relationship need to be revived, reconnected, and maintained. Don’t worry, you will want something to do with him again. It just takes time."
6."My wife and I are still in love after having two sons and two daughters. I think that we are more in love now than when we were first married 64 years ago."
7."Though research suggests that satisfaction with the marital relationship decreases after the birth of a child, for me, it was entirely the opposite. I had just witnessed my wife nearly sacrifice her life to give birth to our twins. Then, after some recovery in the ICU, she totally rocked it as a totally awesome mom. Through some miraculous process, she created these amazing beings, and then she just got busy taking care of them..."
"....I, too, worked my tail off to do everything I could, including racing home from work and doing some time in the trenches. I didn't "babysit." I fathered. Still, I was the relief pitcher. I went to work every day, which gave me a break from the colicky kids, but she was on 24/7. I couldn't wait to get home and join in, but she never stopped doing the mom thing.
She appreciated how I would work hard to pay the bills and then jump right into being Daddy, and I admired her for how great she was with the kids. It helped us to refine our teamwork, and working toward a common goal helped to make me feel even closer to her. When I see a woman who is a great mom, I feel a deep respect. I can add, too, that seeing a woman be a great mom is sexy as hell. We continued to work as a team to create a good family, and I continued to feel a stronger and stronger attachment to her as we worked together to do the greatest thing I could ever be a part of: create a family and raise some amazing kids. After the babies came along, marriage became even better."
8."When we got home, my wife had zero interest in sex, mostly because she had had a C-section. After that, she developed an infection, so they had to open her up again and leave a tube in. And she came home with it. Still open. Which rather reminded me of a gutted fish. So you could hardly blame her if she felt less than sexy. Then there was the fact that for the last two weeks before birth, we weren't sure our son was going to make it. He did, but it was a close thing. So psychologically, she was still pretty freaked out..."
"....Now, my wife was a premature baby herself. She had been given a five percent chance of living. But she made it. In later years, she had health issues. When it came time actually to get pregnant and deliver a baby, she wasn't sure she could do it. She was a nervous wreck both during and afterward.
So when we got home, I had to be her nurse to make sure that her open belly wound healed properly and didn't over-tax herself. Plus, I had to cheer her up and tell her how marvelous she was and what a great mother she was. I knew she was. But someone had to constantly tell her often enough until she finally believed it herself. She loved our son, and she loved me. But it was a while before she was well enough to take on the responsibilities of mother and wife. And I don't regret a minute of it. Because I loved her. In short, it wasn't about me; it was about her and about getting my family on its feet. All other considerations, including my own, came last. Because that's what you do."
9."After the birth of my first child, I found that I absolutely hated my husband. I was Googling divorce attorneys. It was terrible. What I learned was that he was a complete and total jerk when he was sleep-deprived, and honestly, I was probably less than awesome myself..."
"....After about three months, everything was okay. Fast forward three years to baby number two, and I had the exact same experience. I hated everything: how my husband would breathe evenly while sleeping while I was forced to be awake. I hated his voice, his face…everything. Guess what? About three months later, everything was okay. Fast forward another five years to baby number three. This time around, I was ready for it, and the first time I Googled a divorce attorney, I started giggling.
He asked me what I was laughing about, so I told him. We both dissolved into earth-shattering laughter. It took less than three months to get over my hatred with this latest baby. Postpartum hormones and sleep deprivation are recipes for relationship disaster. If you end up with a guy who doesn’t do well without sleep, it can be absolutely horrible. I think talking to your doctor or a therapist about it is a very good thing to do! Babies can be hard. You learn a lot about your spouse and yourself in the darkest hours when all you want to do is close your eyes, and all your baby wants to do is be awake. Hang in there. Sleep does eventually come, and when it does, you’ll miss the squishy little lump stage of babyhood."
10."It does change, but it can be in a good way. My wife and I are not the same people we were 30 years ago. Physically, spiritually, and emotionally, we are different. Raising our three children was the hardest part of our years together. It is a very tough job that is rewarding but also can add stress. We grew apart during those years because we didn't handle the stress correctly..."
"...But, we never gave up. We grew together, prayed together, kept loving each other, kept forgiving each other, and got intentional about spending time together. We grew closer together because we decided to grow closer together. Yes, our lives and our love are different today. We are still best friends. I pray for all marriages to stay strong and stay committed."
11."Before becoming parents, we hung on to our egos. After becoming a parent, my ego went for a toss. I had no energy to fight or argue with my spouse. Before becoming a parent, my world and attention centered around my spouse. After becoming a parent, a tiny bundle became the center of attention in my life..."
"...Before becoming a parent, my husband felt I was over-possessive. After becoming a parent, he complained that I didn't care about him. He felt neglected. Before becoming a parent, I would do things at my husband's convenience, including likes and dislikes. After becoming a parent, I realized that it was all about the baby. We did everything at the baby's convenience.
Before becoming a parent, I was a carefree and happy person. After becoming a parent, I was stressed and irritated most of the time because of my lack of sleep and difficulty caring for my child. Before becoming a parent, we enjoyed a lot of romantic moments together. After becoming a parent, romance flew out of the window.
When my child came along, I had to devote most of my time to him, so my husband had to play second fiddle for the first few years. Initially, he resented it, but he got used to it later. He knows that when he needs me, I will drop everything, even my child, and be by his side. The arrival of a child changes a couple's relationship from a carefree one to a responsible one."
12."I joke, somewhat, that my marriage started with a child. We had a honeymoon baby, so only a few weeks of marriage before the morning sickness set in. I mean, then, that I never really knew my wife before the baby came..."
"...For the last seventeen years, it has been pregnancies and taking care of children for us. It has been nearly two decades of loud noises when I prefer quiet, of nights interrupted. Those first few weeks were everything a honeymoon is: wedded bliss, magic day and night, two people discovering parts of themselves that no one had discovered before. Then came months and years of little ones, each so precious, beautiful, fragile, and needy. Our fourth left for kindergarten a few years back, and my wife was working on her novel. And for a moment, we were alone—older than we had been then, but no less in love…and we realized that we missed the feel, the sound of a baby, and we were still young enough…and a year later, along came our fifth and final child. She was worth suspending our retirement a little longer, but I hope that in years to come, we'll find we're still madly in love and finally have the time we haven't had nearly enough of."
13."My love grew enormously after seeing how my husband was as a father. I didn't think it was possible to love him any more than I already did, but how wrong I was; he just amazes me every day."
14."I feel more love for my spouse after having kids. A deeper bonding took place with the event, and then we raised them, and we had a lot of communication. When we had grandchildren, there was even a deeper bond between us. I can't explain it; carrying on the legacy is beautiful."
15."There is now a very demanding little third person when you have your first child. The time and attention you have both been lavishing upon each other now needs to be lavished on someone else, the someone you have created together. It tends to be difficult for A LOT of men. I was so lucky. It did not change our relationship much, just the time available to concentrate on each other. But we had been married almost nine years when we had our first child, so we were more than ready for the change. Now that our children are 38 and 26 and completely out of our homes, we have finally gotten back to being able to concentrate totally on each other and our interests, dreams, and goals. It's great!"
How did having a child change your relationship with your spouse or partner, either for the worse or for the better? Tell us all about it in the comments, or drop your thoughts into this anonymous form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
