Here Are Five Things Adults Should Never, Ever Discuss In Front Of Kids

Children tend to pick up on a lot more than adults realize. They absorb not only what we say to them directly but also what we say around them — even when we think they’re not paying attention.

That got us wondering: Are there certain topics that just shouldn’t be discussed with or in front of kids? And on the flip side, are there certain conversations adults assume are not appropriate for young minds but are actually OK — or even beneficial — to address?

We reached out to parenting experts to get their take. As clinical psychologist Laura Markham, author of the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids series, said, it’s generally less about the subject itself and more about how you approach it.

“For instance, you would not have a discussion about your financial worries that would make your child worry. But you could certainly discuss the fact that a new car or a pricey vacation is not in your budget this year,” she told HuffPost.

Below, Markham and other therapists share their thoughts on the do’s and don’ts of communicating when young or school-age kids are present.

5 Things Adults Shouldn’t Talk About In Front Of Kids:

1. People’s bodies

When adults speak poorly about their own bodies or other people’s bodies, children notice and may internalize those negative messages, said marriage and family therapist Brianne Billups Hughes.

“Kids are like sponges, absorbing everything they hear. If they witness adults being critical of themselves, it can lead to issues with self-esteem and body image as they grow,” she told HuffPost.

And it’s not just the negative comments that can be damaging over time. When adults make frequent remarks about body shape or weight — even if they’re complimentary in nature — it can make kids “overly concerned about their own appearance,” Markham noted.

2. Critical remarks about a parent or caregiver 

It’s best for adults to avoid bad-mouthing the child’s other parent or caregivers in their life. It doesn’t matter if you’re speaking to the kid directly or having the conversation when they’re in earshot.

Hearing negative comments about a parent can make a child feel as if they have to choose sides or that they’re responsible for fixing the situation, which can be damaging to their sense of security, Markham said. 

It can also “strain the relationship with the criticized parent since they now see them as ‘not good enough,’” she added, while also making the child feel guilty for thinking of their parent in a negative light.

3. Comments that compare the child to their sibling 

Markham advises parents to avoid comments that compare one sibling with another. Such comparisons can breed competition between siblings and lead to increased conflict, she said.

“That intuitively makes sense to us because we can see how it fosters resentment, jealousy and insecurity. But this is just as true for positive messages, which also set up competition,” Markham said.

For example, you might say to your child something like, “You’re my good boy. You never give me a tough time like your brother does.”

Now your child not only feels pressure to hold on to his place as the “good” one but is also “motivated to keep his sibling in the role of ‘bad’ kid,” Markham said. “How else will he maintain his special place in your eyes?”

4. Adult money issues

As pediatric psychologist and parent coach Ann-Louise Lockhart of A New Day Pediatric Psychology explained, “Kids don’t yet have the cognitive tools to fully understand adult finances.”

So when they overhear conversations about money-related stressors in adults’ lives, they draw their own conclusions, “often assuming the worst,” she told HuffPost.

“Children may think, for example, that the family will lose their home or that they won’t be able to buy food, even if the situation is not that extreme,” Lockhart said. “This fear can lead to increased anxiety and, for some children, a sense of guilt that they’re a ‘burden’ if they need things like new shoes or supplies.”

That’s not to say you have to completely keep them in the dark if your financial situation has changed. Just keep explanations clear and concise and your tone calm. If money is tight, Lockhart suggested saying something like, “We’re sticking to a budget so we can make good choices,” which she said is “often more reassuring.”

“You can help them understand that adults have systems to manage expenses and that their needs will be met,” she added.

5. Comments that glorify alcohol or drug use

Hughes warned that conversations “normalizing or glorifying” drinking alcohol and using drugs when kids are around can lead to “unhealthy attitudes toward these substances” down the line.

“Kids are impressionable, and hearing adults speak positively about drinking or using drugs, even jokingly, can set the foundation for curiosity or risky behaviors later in life,” she explained. “It’s important to model responsible behavior and avoid making these substances seem glamorous or harmless.”

5 Things Adults Actually Can Discuss In Front Of Kids:

On the other hand, there are topics that adults have a tendency to shy away from because they assume talking about them would be harmful to kids. But our experts say these conversations can be good ones to have with or in the presence of children, as long as they are approached in a thoughtful, age-appropriate way.

1. Healthy disagreements 

Parents might be under the impression they need to resolve any and all conflict behind closed doors. But that’s not necessarily true. In fact, it can be beneficial for kids to observe their parents modeling how to respectfully work through a disagreement, Markham said.

“It’s important for them to know that we don’t always agree, but we always love each other. Kids need to see us ask for what we need without attacking the other person,” she added.

“And it’s critical for them to see us make up with affection and forgiveness.”

That being said, heated arguments that include yelling, name-calling or other forms of disrespect should not happen in front of kids, Markham said, as research has shown it does affect them negatively.

And when it comes to certain topics, it’s better for adults to hash out those matters privately. “Discussions about sex or other tender issues are more respectfully conducted without an audience,” developmental psychologist Diana Divecha wrote for Greater Good Magazine.

2. Honest emotions 

Many adults try to avoid showing or talking about their emotions around kids, but “it’s actually important for kids to see adults process their feelings in healthy ways,” Hughes said.

It’s OK to share that you’re feeling upset, worried or frustrated in an age-appropriate way. Doing so helps normalize a wider range of emotions and can help children learn to express and regulate their own emotions, Hughes said.

This also helps them develop their emotional intelligence, Lockhart added.

“If they see you saying something like, ‘I’m feeling sad because a friend moved away, and that’s normal,’ they learn that all emotions are OK and temporary, helping them feel safe to express their own,” she explained.

3. Mistakes they’ve made 

Adults shouldn’t feel pressure to uphold a facade of perfection in front of kids. It’s OK to admit to them when you’ve messed up in some way, Lockhart said.

“Talking about your own mistakes and how you handled them helps kids learn resilience and accountability,” she said. “When they hear something like, ‘I made a mistake at work, but I took responsibility, and I’m working on a solution,’ they see that mistakes are natural and that they can handle them positively.”

4. Money in general 

Though you wouldn’t want your child to be privy to the full scope of financial stress you may be facing, money doesn’t have to be a taboo subject.

“Discussing financial concepts in an age-appropriate manner can be a valuable learning opportunity,” Hughes said. “Kids who grow up with an understanding of budgeting, saving, investing, loans and responsible spending are more likely to develop good financial habits as they grow older.”

“The key is to avoid overwhelming them with adult-level stress about money,” she added.

5. Sex, consent, and bodily changes 

As a parent, you may find yourself avoiding conversations around these topics with your kids entirely because they seem too uncomfortable or mature to discuss. But introducing these subjects in developmentally appropriate ways is actually quite important, Hughes said.

“Teaching children about consent, body autonomy and the basic facts of anatomy, reproduction or puberty helps them develop a healthy understanding of their bodies and relationships,” she explained.

“These discussions empower children to ask questions, set boundaries and feel comfortable about their own physical development. It also helps prevent misinformation from other sources.”

No matter the topic, how we communicate with and around children can have a lasting effect on them, Hughes said. That’s why it’s so critical to approach conversations with mindfulness.

“Modeling healthy conflict resolution, self-acceptance and emotional intelligence can provide kids with essential life skills,” she said. ”The goal isn’t to shelter children completely but to be mindful of the language and tone used, creating a balanced environment where they can learn and feel secure.”This article originally appeared on HuffPost.