AJ McLean opens up about sobriety: 'Drugs and alcohol weren't the issue. They were the symptoms'
The 46-year-old singer spoke to Yahoo Canada about his journey to understand "the core" of his issues with drugs and alcohol.
It's been nearly three years of sobriety for Backstreet Boys singer AJ McLean — Sept. 26 marks the date. The 46-year-old singer says dealing with addiction isn’t just about abstaining from drugs and alcohol, it’s about being an active participant in his recovery. And that means digging a lot deeper.
This past summer, McLean spent 10 weeks in an intensive outpatient program to get to the root of his addiction. He says the therapy wasn’t as much for his sobriety as it was to deal with past traumas.
“Drugs and alcohol weren’t the issue,” he tells Yahoo Canada while in Toronto to promote his partnership with Canadian mocktail brand, Atypique. “They were the symptoms. People think when you’re an addict, that that’s the problem. But there’s something at the epicentre that sets off symptoms of drugs or alcohol or gambling or shopping addiction, or whatever it is. So I wanted to get to the core of it.”
The heart of the matter
McLean says that, for him, the central cause of his addiction issues was a feeling of low self-worth. “Or as my best friend calls it, ‘piece of shit-ism,’” he quips. “That was really what I suffered from."
“Learning about my true authentic self is what really shifted everything for me.”
A big part of working on developing self-respect in the outpatient program was about the importance of having boundaries. “It’s a word that I heard growing up, [but] I didn’t really know what it meant,” he shares. “I know now that I don’t have to bend over backwards to make you like me. If you don’t like me, that’s your loss.”
As my best friend calls it, ‘piece of shit-ism. That was really what I suffered from.AJ McLean
McLean says that a lot of his people-pleasing behaviour came from not being able to separate his authentic self from his boy band persona.
“I’m at the point now where I understand that AJ is a character in a band. It is my job, but it doesn’t define me. I didn’t understand that for years, so I never turned AJ off. AJ was always going because I got the attention, and I was the life of the party,” he says. “So now I can still be the life of the party, but I don’t have to go the extra mile, you know?”
Now I can still be the life of the party, but I don’t have to go the extra mile.AJ McLean
For McLean, implementing boundaries might mean asking his bandmates to call him “Alex” instead of “AJ” when the band isn’t on tour or working together as a group. “Setting up those kinds of staples of where my life is transitioning to now [is important to me], and they totally understand,” he says.
Managing triggers on tour
McLean is currently on tour with fellow boy band alum Joey Fatone, which means being around triggers — especially alcohol.
“It’s always going to be there. There’s no way to avoid it,” he says candidly. “I’m not going to be a recluse and not live in society.”
He says that he's lucky he has "great people" surrounding him on tour, including Fatone. "No one is offering me drinks. Everyone still asks me, ‘Hey is it OK if I have a beer?’ I tell them they don’t have to ask me, but that I appreciate it. That’s considerate.”
If McLean ever does feel uncomfortable, his modus operandi is simply to leave the situation.
“I’ve got a great support group with my ex-wife and my daughters and my family and bandmates. I can call my best friend of 25 years at the drop of a hat if I ever feel ‘squirlley.’ I’ve also learned that 'no' is a full sentence. So you know, I can handle it.”
Step-by-step
McLean feels that sobriety is a “one day a time” thing — so he doesn’t worry about what’s going to happen tomorrow. “And whatever happened yesterday is over now. I just have to get through today.”
While sobriety "hasn't been easy" — he also says it hasn't been as hard as he thought it would be.
"This time, I’m doing things that were suggested for years,” he says. “I’m doing my 12 steps. I have a sponsor. I’m going to the meetings, and I have meetings at my home.”
He also says he wants to inspire people, which is why he collaborated with Atypique. “The founder, Étienne Boulay, is also sober, and the commonality between us is why we decided to do this together.”
McLean also says there are a lot more people who are "sober curious" than there used to be.
“It’s a thing. I have a lot of friends who aren’t sober, but they’re not crazy [when it comes to drinking], either," he explains. "They’ll come to me and be like, ‘I kind of want to take a break from drinking, but I don’t know what to do.’”
He says non-alcoholic beverages, like Atypique, are a great alternative to alcohol, even if you're not completely sober.
“You can have this other option where you still feel included,” he says. “You don’t have to have FOMO; you can still be the life of the party.”
'Nothing happens by chance'
McLean emphasizes that he isn’t preaching. He’s not telling people not to drink alcohol.
“We’re saying if you do drink, drink responsibly—that’s it. But it is becoming a thing right now, and you’re starting to see more people in this [younger] generation —even people from my generation—who are wanting to be a bit healthier, a bit smarter, and wanting to try something that isn’t potentially detrimental.”
At 46, McLean says that it makes sense to him that his sobriety is happening at this stage of his life. “Everything happens as it’s meant to be; nothing happens by chance. I think all the opportunities —including the partnership with Atypique—that are happening in my life would not be happening if I wasn’t where I’m at right now. There are no mistakes.”
He believes this is mainly because of the intensive outpatient program he experienced last year.
“The fact that I finally put my feet firmly on the ground and dug deep, has now blessed me to live a pretty kick-ass life right now. I can be present. I can be a good dad. I can look at myself in the mirror and say, ‘What’s up handsome?’ instead of “Oh God, what did I do last night?” or ‘Who did I piss off?’ Not anymore.”
Trust still has to be rebuilt with some relationships, but I say what I’m going to do and do what I say.AJ McLean
The change in him is being reflected in his relationships. “They’re much better,” he says emphatically. “Trust still has to be rebuilt with some relationships, but I say what I’m going to do and do what I say. That’s the number one thing to regain trust and also to have trust within myself.”
One could say making music is its own kind of healing. McLean has been in the studio working on a solo record for quite some time now. “There will be new music coming from me—hopefully a full album if not this year then next year,” he says. “Backstreet is taking the rest of the year off, so the rest of the boys can go lay on the beach, but I’m going to keep working.”
McLean is proud of how far he has come. “I could have easily been a statistic,” he says. But he’s at a point in his life where he knows himself a lot better. “I know what I can do and can’t do, and what I’m comfortable and not comfortable doing. It’s a process. It’s progress not perfection.”
The bottom line? “A person can be sober and still have an incredible life. I am living proof of that.”
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