25 Unhappily Married People Are Sharing Why They'll Never Get A Divorce, And It's Genuinely Heart-Wrenching
We recently asked members of the BuzzFeed Community, "What's your reason for staying in a marriage that doesn't make you happy?" We shared this article with some emotional accounts from folks grappling with unfulfilling marriages, then heard from dozens more Community members in similar situations who wanted to share their stories, too. Here's what they revealed:
1."I don't have any money. I've been a homemaker for the past 20 years. I had low-paying jobs before that when my other kids were little, and I also watched my nieces and nephews. My youngest is 19, and my sister's kids are all in school. I wouldn't get any child support. I didn't go to college. I baked cookies and watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I need his health insurance for numerous issues. We rarely speak beyond discussing what's for dinner and flagging that the oil light is on in the car."
—Anonymous
2."I've been married for 19 years, and it became clear by year three that it was just a box to be checked in the status department for him. His career was a priority, so we've moved several times. The communication dwindled, as did the effort. When counseling was initially brought up, I was treated like a subordinate at his work. He claimed it wasn't necessary and we just needed a weekly meeting. I'm still waiting for that meeting 15 years later. I returned to work part-time and moved into the guest room, and we are now roommates. The gaslighting, passive-aggressive behavior, and financial control are getting worse, and I have no romantic feelings toward him anymore. I'm stuck because of money. And since I was just recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, healthcare is important while I navigate a new normal. Living independently in California is nearly impossible, and I made a grave mistake not prioritizing my career."
—Anonymous
3."During the first five years of this 30-year marriage, I realized I was in the wrong place. I was warned, but I was in love. She is incredibly connected with her parents and siblings, but almost to the point where they did everything with us. My family was not allowed to have a say; she controlled everything. I have wasted so many years hoping things would improve and trying to improve things myself. I have done most things alone because she's always with her family. Now in my 50s, I want to leave, but I am concerned about finances and the fact that my adult children are totally loyal to their mother and my in-laws. I have made many mistakes and didn't consider my happiness."
—Anonymous
4."I would love to be divorced from him. He is a narcissist. We've been together for 40 years. I'm 63 years old now. My husband is also a gambler and dealing with alcoholism. He makes a decent living, but not enough for him to afford alimony and a place on his own. I work part-time now. I worked full-time all my life, raised our kids, and took care of everything!! I wish I knew what a narcissist was when I was younger. A few years ago, he gambled all of our retirement money away. He lost his brother and apparently his mind, too! So now we stay together because neither of us can afford a divorce or the cost of living on our own. We both want one. It's all about money."
—Anonymous
5."We have been together for 33 years and married for almost 29. We have talked about divorce several times, but he always manages to convince me he'll change. I lost a close family member and realized life was too short, so I decided to move to my dream state. I had everything divided out, and he again talked me into letting him move with me. He didn't change; he only got worse. He started drinking and became verbally abusive. He finally stopped drinking, but things are still on a roommate level. Our sex life stopped 18 years ago, and we sleep in separate bedrooms. I still care for him, and I can't afford the house on my own, plus I wouldn't leave him homeless with no one to take care of him."
—Anonymous
6."I'll be married for 50 years in April. We don't sleep together and barely speak. I do all the work. He does the dishes and gets gas for the car. He loves it. Why would he want to go anywhere? I tried confronting him, but he just walked away. I'm at my wit's end. Our money is so entangled. I just want to leave."
—Anonymous
7."I've been married for 39 years. We were happy until he retired (or so I thought). His job required him to travel a lot, and I enjoyed our time apart. When he was home, we did a lot of things together. Once he retired and received a lump sum of money, he decided he wanted to have fun without me. He started going away a lot, so I began to wonder if he was cheating, and he was. I started to distance myself from him and eventually fell out of love and moved into a separate bedroom. I considered divorce. I did all my research and realized that, in 2024, a lot had changed. Our home was paid off, and I did not want to get another mortgage or pay high rent at my age, so I stayed. He then wanted to rekindle our marriage, but it was too late. Too much time had passed, and I was hung up on everything he did while we were separated but still living together."
"Now, I enjoy my life with friends and family and travel. I have two great dogs. It's awkward living together, but it's too expensive to move out and pay all the bills on my own. I'm comfortable and happy with myself. Oh, and he now has ED. Of course, he wants to be back together. It's a big NO from me!"
—Anonymous
8."I've been married for 36 years, and we have been together nearly 39 years — ever since we met on a blind date during our senior year of high school. We have four grown children with their own families, including nine grandchildren. My husband's mental illness became evident 14 years ago, and I've been walking on eggshells since. He's been hospitalized three times since then, and he sometimes decides his psych meds are no longer needed. He's been on medical disability for the past six years, so I'm a little angry that I still have to work while he does little around the house. We have lived like roommates over the past 18 months and have not slept in the same bed for over four months. I believe we stay together for financial reasons, and so our children/grandchildren see us as a family unit (and we can keep holidays and get-togethers as a whole family)."
"I still love my husband, but I'm no longer in love with him. And if given the financial means, I would file for divorce in a heartbeat. I just want us to be happy again, even if it's not together, and I hope my children and grandchildren can understand."
—Anonymous
9."Unfortunately, I'm unhappy, but it's the safe choice with the economy and the depressing state the US is currently in. It's easier to live unhappily with extra income. I've been ignored and lonely for so long that I've become numb to it. I feel like if he cheated, I'd be okay with that since it relieves me of having sex with him. I do it to 'keep the relationship alive.' I don't even crave sex anymore. It's whatever. He doesn't abuse me. I'm just stuck."
—Anonymous
10."I have been married almost 46 years, and my marriage is failing fast. We have opposite views on everything and are from very different backgrounds. We haven't been intimate for about 20 years (fine with me). He was an only child, and his mother doted on him. The universe swirls around him. He's emotionally abusive, hypocritical, and teetering on alcoholism. Why are we still together? I think it's mainly because neither of us wants to spend the money on legal fees and go through the hassle of dividing everything. We both stand to lose a lot. Another reason is that I want to stay on his health insurance plan (it's a state plan and excellent insurance)."
"We're trying to sell our house and return to our hometown. I'd like to take my share of the profit from the house and bounce, but I won't do it. We have too much time invested in this marriage to throw it away. If I had seen all the red flags in our dating years, I would've kept walking down the aisle and out the back door."
—Anonymous
11."I really wanted 'forever' with my husband, but it's just a matter of time before we go our separate ways. I married for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, until death do us part. Oh, how I wanted it to work. My husband is mentally and emotionally unavailable and so incapable of seeing his errors, and he's verbally and emotionally abusive. He prefers a dictatorship marriage where I'm property and not a person. He told a friend that he did not marry me because of love. I provide the security for him. He has been working at the same company for over 35 years with no pension or health insurance, though he graduated with a double Master's degree. I feel tired. I feel used. I feel like running away, but I have a 14-year-old son who is attached to his dad. I can envision a life by myself that's very happy."
—Anonymous
12."I was deeply religious and living in a small town. No single men were in the church, and suddenly, one started coming. Someone set us up. I foolishly married him. He's been emotionally unavailable for 30 years, and now he wonders what went wrong...as if I didn't tell him for the first 10 years. He wants to fix things so we can have sex again, but only if he doesn't have to change because he thinks he can't be wrong. I stay because I can't afford to split. I advise every woman who thinks she should get married to support herself, always have emergency money, and don't have kids if you can't support them on your own. Just don't get married because nothing good comes of it."
—Anonymous
13."We've been together for 25 years and married for 22 with three kids. Before we married, we discussed our goals and aspirations and how growing old together would be an amazing adventure. Now we've got two kids in high school and one in middle school, and we are unhappy! While our combined income yields an affordable lifestyle and a nice house, my wife has seemed to abandon those lofty goals we once discussed. It's like she changed plans once we said, 'I do.' Our future business, investment, and travel plans were no longer interesting to her! I love our family and don't want us to break up. We're still together mainly because of the kids and our financial position. Starting over would ruin what has been built thus far, and I fear it would devastate our children's mental and emotional well-being. I'm not sure what the future holds, but currently, it feels like bondage!"
—Anonymous
14."My husband and I have been in a tumultuous marriage for over 17 years. We were babies when we got married, and we've been through so much together, including losing parents, unemployment, and a baby. We've always fought, but things got really bad when we were dealing with secondary infertility, and he said he didn't want any more kids. About seven years ago, I found out he was having an affair. It was really bad; he almost lost his job because he'd been skipping work to have sex in our house, and I had a nervous breakdown. A lot of therapy later, I was diagnosed and treated for PTSD, and he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. While the bipolar diagnosis explains a lot, being married to someone with bipolar is a rollercoaster. Our relationship is extremely toxic, and we are both really traumatized from everything we've been through."
"There is a lot of love and some good times, but the bad far outweighs the good. I wish I'd left long ago, but I've put so much of myself into this that it feels like a waste to start over. I have found joy in other parts of my life (like friends, work, and family); sometimes, we make good memories together. I just wish we could have more of the good."
—Anonymous
15."I've been married for 25 years and can't believe I'm still here. I had my daughter after seven years of marriage. When she was about a year and a half, my husband and I had a conversation about me moving back to my hometown and us divorcing. The next day, when I brought up looking for a home for my daughter and me, he told me I was 'crazy' and said we never had that conversation. I had quit my job to raise our daughter because he traveled a lot, and I felt like I couldn't go back to work and I couldn't raise my daughter alone, so I stayed. I convinced him to purchase a second home in my hometown, and my daughter and I moved there. He would visit on the weekends, so it seemed like we had been divorced for years even though we were still married."
"Living apart helped me get through all those years while I waited for my daughter to grow up. She left for college this past fall, but now the housing costs have skyrocketed, and I no longer have enough money to buy a house for myself. But I haven't given up. I no longer want or need to stay in this unhappy marriage. I have hope that I will figure a way out; it's just going to take longer than I wanted it to."
—Anonymous
16."We've been married for over 50 years. He stopped wanting to be intimate over 20 years ago (and had always been controlling in that area). Any suggestions for variances were resisted because of his schedule, preferences, etc. Things were said about my hygiene, yet I was expected to be satisfied with him and excited for him to accept me. I've done everything at home all this time. He felt it was his job to go to work, so all the household chores were my job. I raised two kids without his help. I don't remember him changing a single diaper or ever cooking a real meal, even if I was sick (or after I gave birth four times). I saw him through several serious health issues. Our only activities together are the things he chooses. I worked part-time as soon as the kids were older and continued to do that until full-time employment became a good option. We originally had common interests. Now we can't agree at all. These days, I just pray for grace."
—Anonymous
17."I've been married to a major narcissist for 48 years. To make matters worse, he's a trial lawyer. Sadly, the very skill that made him so successful in his job was his aversion to being a good husband. He did almost zero around the house. l raised our three children by myself. He was extremely critical if I didn't manage to 'do it all' and provide sex on demand. At one point, he threatened divorce and to get sole custody of the kids. I feared he would be successful. He out-earned me by at least seven times and always kept me in financial darkness. The kids are grown, and 20 years ago, I became disabled, so I'm no longer of any use to him. He still rarely helps me. We live in the same house, but that's it. We rarely speak to one another. He comes and goes as he pleases. The only money I have is my teacher's pension."
"'There's going to be only one person making the decisions around here, and it isn't going to be you!' he'd say. Why are we not divorced? He claims God hates divorce. The real reasons are: 1) he doesn't want me to get one penny of his money that he doesn't have to give me, and 2) we have an adult child with mental illness who may need full support in the future. God may hate divorce, but I guess he's okay with verbal and emotional abuse of your wife."
—Anonymous
18."We've been married for 42 years. I can honestly say that we don't love each other anymore, but I do care about my wife and don't want to hurt her. We are more like business partners than a married couple. We don't have any children, which has its pros and cons. One of the pros is that we both had pretty good-paying careers and saved and invested our money wisely. Today, in our early 70s, we are very comfortable financially. We've been with each other for 44 years in total, which is a long time to be in an exclusive relationship with someone. In my experience, your relationship will naturally change over the years. You just have to determine if you are better off (emotionally and financially) staying together or going your separate ways. Right now, I feel I'm better off staying with my wife, although she might feel differently on that subject."
19."We've been together for 35 years! She has not grown up in all these years — she's still the same teenage girl I married. She makes me feel like I'm not wanted. We haven't had sex in about four years, and when I try to make a move, she slaps my hand away. I'll admit that I'm not engaged as much. I work a lot to escape being home. I stay because my profession would frown upon my decision to divorce, and socially, we are hailed as good examples in the Black community. Also, it would not sit well with our children, their spouses, and grandchildren. So, I'll stay until death. I wish she would leave me, but she has no place to go because she has no income."
—Anonymous
20."We're approaching 31 years of marriage — my first, her second (she has one child from her first marriage). We love each other; we're just not in love. She says we're like college roommates. We get along nicely with no yelling, screaming, or fighting. We go out to dinner together, and we still have great conversations. Our house has been paid off for over 15 years, and we've been empty nesters for close to 20. I've been retired for two years now with a pension, which will go to my wife when I pass. We live comfortably, although she wants to keep working for at least two more years. She's self-employed and likes what she does. We're financially set whether or not she continues to work. We take trips together and apart."
"We were separated for two or three years about 20 years ago, helping the marriage. It was like we were dating again. Two weeks before the divorce would've been finalized, we decided to give it another shot. Looking back, it was probably a mistake. When we were separated, I bought her out of the house, gave her more money for her car than it was worth, and covered part of her rent. We had a long conversation ago that everything would be divided 50-50 if we split again. At this point in my life, I don't know if I have it in me to deal with maintaining two houses. I have no interest in dating, partially due to an STI I picked up long before we were married; I just don't want to have to deal with having that conversation again.
I don't mind being single and alone. It's just that the loneliness was a little hard for me to deal with when I was single. We're both in great shape and have a lot of activities that we do together and separate, which keeps me happy. So here I am, married, kind of alone, happy, but lonely. Having sex is rare, and how I miss spooning and even being the little spoon. Our friends and family don't have a clue. At this point in my life, if nothing changes, I'm going to suck it up for the remaining 15 or so years."
—Anonymous
21."My wife and I have been married for five years, and we have one 3-year-old daughter. While we are aligned on many aspects of our life together and do a fantastic job managing our careers, household, finances, and projects, we never quite find ourselves on the same page regarding what it means to foster and build our connection together. I've always had a stronger interest in our physical relationship, which she hasn't reciprocated, and when it comes to finding more time for each other, her focus is often more aligned with work or our child. I've grown weary of trying, but I still do. She is often dismissive and finds fault in my spirit and zest for life, making me feel more foolish or naïve than I think I deserve. I see life as an opportunity and abundant with possibilities; she sees it more as something to be managed and feared."
"I'm bisexual, and she's straight, and we have an open relationship. We've shared some truly exciting and wonderful moments while living with this structure. But because of our setup, I've been exposed to what it means to have chemistry and emotional ties that go so far beyond the logistics of living. It's tough to weigh the possibility of a deep, intimate connection versus staying in an emotionally good and stable marriage. I'm not certain that the prior is impossible in my current situation, so I choose to stay for stability, a slower burn love, and our small family. I can picture a different life (or lives), but I haven't given up on this one."
—Anonymous
22."We have been married 43 years now. I really thought I had found the perfect man. It was perfect for 13 years. His first affair lasted nine years. I should've left then, but we had three kids. The second affair was short-lived. Again, I should have filed for a divorce, but I knew it would be a battle with him, so again, I looked the other way. His third affair was the breaking point for me, or so I thought. He was then diagnosed with cancer. I couldn't leave; my children would've condemned me. I don't love him anymore. He destroyed that long ago, but I have feelings for him, and I'm caring for him. I'll remain by his side until the end. He has provided for me for 43 years. I owe it to him to provide for him now."
—Anonymous
23."I've been with my husband for 35 years but married for 27. There is an 18-year difference between us. In 2020, he came out and told me he likes men and women, and he has cheated on me since we were dating. He told me, 'I will never love you like a husband should love his wife.' Ouch, that hurt. Another red flag is he would never come to bed, so we have never shared a room all these years. Now that he is 77 years old, I don't want to throw him out on the street. I'm choosing to care for him like he cared for me and my boys financially. This situation has hardened me so much. I chose never to date another man, yet he still cheats on me every day, and I'm finally okay with it because that's what makes him happy. All my sons are happily married with their own lives."
—Anonymous
24."My spouse cheated more than once. His criteria for 'cheating' was different from mine. Apparently, online affairs don't count if there's no touching or meeting in person. Flirting and sending notes and flowers to the toll booth woman isn't really cheating. Sending and receiving dirty videos from a woman he met online on a dating site where he created an alternate persona profile is not cheating, even though they were exchanging 'I love yous.' You get the picture. I stayed because I had a house and school district for the kids I loved and couldn't afford it on my own. He got sick and couldn't fool around any longer. He passed away after a few years, and I'm doing it on my own anyway. I should have been braver but wasn't confident enough to kick him out."
—Anonymous
25.And: "I'm 63 M and have been married for 33 years. We have three kids and were solid for our first 20 years. I developed diabetes and lost all interest in sex when I started dealing with ED. I worked hard to get my sugar under control and was pretty successful. As my health improved, so did my sex drive. We'd been together for 25 years at that point, and my wife had moved on from sex and chose to stay with me but be sex-free. There is no romance or intimacy, though I'm free to 'get some' if needed. I never have. I make good money, have saved and invested well, and am ready to retire. My wife works and loves it. She's gotten very comfortable in her lifestyle. As I said, I'm ready to retire, and she is not."
"She is a professional shopper and a heavy gambler. She spends money like it grows on trees. It doesn't! She typically spends two or three times what she makes, and I eventually pay off her bills before she goes to collections. This frustrates me to death, but 'til death do we part. It's been 13 years without intimacy, but I love her still, and I don't know why. There's no connection, no click. Respect is just a word with little to no meaning in our house, and a good time is two beers at a bar and four or five games of keno. This is the life I live and the life I hate. Yet, this is the life I fear leaving."
—Anonymous
Are you currently in an unhappy marriage but not considering divorce? What's your reason for staying? You can share your story in the comments or submit it anonymously using this form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
