17 Women Who Were Stalked By Their Exes Are Sharing What Happened, And These Stories Are Heartbreaking Examples Of How Terrifying It Is To Be A Woman
Stalking is a terrifying occurrence that affects one in three women and one in six men. While sometimes, people are stalked by a stranger or a friend, other times, it's from someone you know — or maybe even dated. Over on Quora, over 100 people answered the question, "Have you ever been stalked? What's your story?" and related questions like, "Have you ever been stalked by an ex?" and most of the responses were heartbreaking stories from women. Here's what they had to say.
1."It was a very dangerous abusive relationship that I managed to escape. He continued to stalk me for 13 more years. Before he became abusive (they never start out that way), he met my friends and family and cultivated relationships with anyone who would help him track me. Despite my telling people what he did to me (including pointing a gun at my head twice and cutting my phone lines so I couldn't call for help) and asking them not to tell him anything about me, many of them did. People thought it was romantic that he still carried a torch for me after all those years."
"I moved across the country twice and changed my name so he would lose track of me. I had to act again even after 13 years, a third move across the county, and another name change. This time it worked — many of the people who had helped him had moved or passed away over the years, and times had changed. The situation was finally taken seriously by people who were able to help."
—Lori J., Quora
2."My ex would drive by my house, sometimes daily or multiple times a day. He would try to get to me through our kids or his friends. He would call me sometimes numerous times a day, for days on end. He would show up at my door uninvited, or he would show up at my neighbors, who live six feet away from me, and park at the end of my house (they didn't want him there either). He would leave letters in my mailbox, try to email/text me and call me from numbers I didn't recognize. He cleaned out our joint bank account in an effort to break me and force me to contact him. He would drive at me if he saw me in a parking lot. If we happened to be in the same location, he would have to walk past me close enough that I could touch him (within 3-4 inches), never saying a word and pretending he didn't see me. The list goes on and on."
"Strictly maintain zero contact AND zero reaction, no matter what they throw at you. DON'T TAKE THE BAIT!! They will try to draw you back in, so this will take a lot of self-discipline on your part. I would also seek out a therapist to help you navigate this and keep your sanity. You need to cut off any way the ex can contact you or stay updated on you — block them on social media and block anyone who might update the ex on you. Do NOT creep them on social media; you may need to move, change jobs, change your phone numbers, switch up your typical route to work, ask for escorts to and from your vehicle at work, always go out with another person; get a restraining order if necessary; go to a shelter if necessary."
—Brenda D., Quora
3."My ex became my stalker for three years. He would call me at least 50 times a day with threats of violence. Even at work. He called my boss and lied. He tried to get me fired. He called my co-workers and harassed them. He came to my job and was caught letting the air out of my tires. He called my family. He alienated my children. Finally, he broke into my house one night and tortured me for six hours. My whole face was swollen black and blue."
"After he beat me, he fell asleep trying to choke me to death. (He was so drunk.) After he fell asleep, I slowly slipped out of bed and called the police. He went to jail that night, but he bonded out a few days later. The calls and threats kept coming even though I had a restraining ORDER. So, I began taping them.
One night, I went to an outdoor concert with a friend. It was a family concert, so I had the kids with me. I was just getting relaxed when I looked up and saw his van coming around the corner. I was terrified. I thought, 'My kids!! Where are my kids?' I saw my little one, but my daughter was missing. She was eight years old. I started calling her. By this time, he was out of his van and calling my kids to get in his car. Drunk again. They obeyed; that's what they were used to. I couldn't blame them. I ran to the nearest phone booth and called 911. I told them he kidnapped my kids! I was screaming into the phone. Meanwhile, he pulls off with my kids, driving drunk.
I sat up all night. I couldn't sleep. I was so scared for my babies. The state police called me the next morning to tell me his van was now at his house. They had his house surrounded. They said they knew he was there because he answered the phone. They had a bullhorn. They were commanding him to send the children out first. They asked me if he had a gun. I wasn't sure. He never had one when we lived together.
Finally, he opened the door and said the kids weren't there. They handcuffed him and asked where the children were; he said he did not know. They went in. The kids were not there! He finally told them they were with his brother in another city fifty miles away.
They took him to jail again. I didn't see my kids until late that night. I was so relieved and thankful to God that they were not hurt or dead.
In the end, he was finally arrested and charged with making violent threats (the tapes I made), assault with a deadly weapon (he tried to ram my car into heavy traffic), and vandalism (my car tire). He was facing fifteen years in prison. He made a plea and got probation. He never bothered me again."
—Marie O., Quora
4."I left my ex and made it very clear we were over (the police were involved). Then, I moved to the other side of the city we lived in. He moved in down the block and would cruise by my house all the time and leave things in the driveway or with my roommates when I wasn't home. He'd call me constantly, trying to trick me into meeting him because he 'still had some stuff I wanted,' then tried passing messages through mutual friends after I stopped answering the phone. He'd post messages on his Facebook on our anniversary saying, 'Happy Anniversary. I know where you live' after I moved again. He'd cruise up and down the streets of the area until he found me alone out in public again. It was fucking swell."
—Melissa H., Quora
5."When I was 18, I dated a guy who was in the Marines. After the breakup, things got weird. For example, I would go out with friends, and when I got back, something would be left at the door. Once, I had forgotten something at home, so we turned around to go back to pick it up because we were barely out of the neighborhood. When I went to run inside, there was a single red rose on the doorstep. The amount of time we had been away from the house showed that he had been watching and waiting for me to leave."
"Another time, I was hanging out with a friend at their job, and I received a call from the stalker. He told me where I was and who I was with. So we called the police. The police couldn't find him despite looking because he was trained by the U.S. Marines, and the police I spoke to were not. They advised me to get a restraining order. However, as the police were leaving, I got another call from Stalker McGhee saying, 'You called the cops on me? Hahaha. They got close but couldn't see me….I can still see you, though.' it was stuff like this all the time.
The next day, I called the stalker's father in another state and explained what was going on. I found out that my stalker went AWOL from the military to stalk me. So his dad brought him home, and he was put in a hospital to get help.
About a year later, I woke up to loud cop bangs on the door. My stalker had stolen his dad's credit card and car and driven halfway across the country. Credit card and cellphone tower usage led the police to believe he was at my home as the card was used at places around my neighborhood. Again, the police couldn't find him and the 'gifts' started showing up on my doorstep. One was a composition book filled with obsessive feelings, erratic poetry, song lyrics, and pictures (many from active duty with him holding an assortment of some pretty scary weapons). It also had a weapon taped to it that he had used to try to kill himself.
This stuff went on for a few months, then stopped. I don't know what happened, but he disappeared.
Almost two years ago, I got a message from this guy. He asked how I was. I said I was fine. He said his wife had died FOUR MONTHS prior and asked if I would like to hang out. I told him I had moved to the desert and that I had to go. I haven't heard from him since, but who knows if I'll hear from him again. I hope to hell not."
—Luna L., Quora
6."My ex-boyfriend started following me towards the end of the semester in my first year of college. I tried to end the relationship because he was clingy in the first place (he wouldn't let me go out without him, checked my cellphone, and had self-esteem issues), and I was transferring to another school the next semester. He didn't want the relationship to end. He showed up to places I was at with friends (no idea how he knew where I was because I didn't update social media). I would go to class early and sometimes even late because he would show up with an iced coffee for me, and I wanted to avoid him. He contacted me with fake numbers after I had blocked him everywhere."
"He once followed me home after school until I pulled over in a Walgreens parking lot, visibly upset. Probably one of the last times and worst is when he showed up at my front door unannounced, and I wasn't even home, so he waited there looking dumb. I had cameras around my house before, so all I had to do was check the app, and he was there. He had finally given up when I told him I was going to tell his family and print out records of him contacting me when I didn't want him to (his family has a police background). This went on from February to June."
—Briana C., Quora
7."My first serious boyfriend was very attractive and persuasive, played football/lifted weights, and had zero problems doing whatever he felt like to get whatever he wanted. He was two years older than I was in age and about a decade older in manipulation. While he never hit me, he would pick me up and throw me over a shoulder, or drag me, or pick me up and shake me until I was dizzy. He'd lie to me to isolate me from other people or lie to them to get them to tell him what I was doing when he wasn't around. He also wouldn't take no for an answer — he didn't care where we were or who was there."
"I was in my first year of high school at the time, and when I broke up with him, he persuaded my friends that I needed him and would show up to many of the places I was at, especially if my parents were not around. Sometimes, this meant letting himself into a parked car where I was sitting (one time, quite literally while I was reading and waiting for a friend to get out of the store) or being outside a store when I went in it. If I went to the store with a friend, he'd be there. If I went for a walk, he'd be there. If I was supposed to go to someone's house, he'd be there.
And if he wasn't there, he'd often know what I'd done one way or the other. He was very, very charming when he wanted to be, and often flattered my friends, my mother, my father, teachers, or anyone he wanted something from.
When I would try to tell him to stop or leave me alone, he'd just smile and tell me I was being silly, shake me, ignore me, stick his hand over my mouth, or engage in rather inappropriate touching until I stopped talking.
He was very, very emotionally manipulative, as well. It was mostly guilt-based--reminders that he loved me and supported me, telling me that he had heard a rumor he had stopped for me, or that he'd stood up for me to someone, or that he was treating me much better than my family was (and by implication, than anyone else would).
When my family moved, it finally severed that tie, and I'm (VERY) grateful. I can't imagine what he's up to now, but I have trouble believing it's legal."
—Carrie C., Quora
8."I was stalked by an ex and his family. I had my tires slashed and my brakes cut, got into highway chases where they would get up on my bumper, had SUVs sitting outside my house, etc. We are currently going through a court case for him trying to kill me. It was a terribly abusive relationship, and when I finally fled, that's when the stalking began. He broke into my house, and the night he tried to kill me, the cops were called because I was screaming, and he was arrested (for the first of many times). He got out on bail and came after me again. He was arrested again and out on bail once more before I was encouraged to go into hiding. I had people with me at all times. I changed my entire routine; I didn't post on social media or tell anyone what I was doing beforehand. I took self-defense classes (Krav), and I documented everything."
"I went to Turning Point for help, and the person working on my case helped me get restraining orders against the others involved. Turning Point came with me to the court dates as I testified against him and his family."
—Heidi K, Quora
9."An ex-boyfriend stalked me in the mid-late 1990s. He'd show up places I went and make sure I saw him but never approached me. Since he never made threats and was always on public property, there wasn't anything I could do about it except ignore him and hope he didn't escalate. I eventually discovered how he always knew where I was. He had been cheating on me with one of my best friends, and after I broke up with him, she continued to cheat on her husband with him. My ex would use my friend to find out where I would be. While making small talk, my friend and I would talk about our plans for the day, weekend, etc...and she'd report back to my ex. It made me much more private and disconnected from my friends; it was a very serious betrayal on multiple levels, and I never quite shook the feeling of being preyed upon."
—Sony S., Quora
10."When I was 17, I had a boyfriend one year older than me. I was going to head up to work out of town a few days after my 18th birthday, and he tried to stop me from going, saying he would break up with me if I left. I went, but we stayed in semi-contact because I still considered him a friend. But then he sent me an email while I was out of town, telling me he had cheated on me while we were still together; I told him not to talk to me anymore. Fast-forward to when I returned home three months later with a new boyfriend — this is where the creepy messages started coming in. I started getting pictures of him holding an AR15 and messages about scenarios where I die in horrible accidents. "
"He started calling my mom, knocking on my younger sister's window almost daily, and driving past the house (I no longer lived there at this point). I found out he was trying to befriend my younger brother and sister online (they were smart enough to stop that real quick) — he was trying to get my information on where I lived.
This went on for three years. I changed my number and did everything I could besides contact the police; I was too scared they wouldn't help, or maybe it would make things worse. Anyway, he finally has stopped, as far as I know. Sometimes, I'm terrified he'll find where I live or even hurt my family because of me. There was an incident last year where someone was peeping through the bathroom window, and things in my backyard were going missing. I really am not sure if that was him or not; I've moved again since then. Hopefully, that's the end of it."
—Anonymous, Quora
11."In college, I had an ex stalk me for over two years. We broke up because he became controlling and was starting to show signs of becoming abusive. I had the cops come over when he came to get some of his stuff from my place because he made me feel that unsafe. We went to the same school and had some of the same classes together; I had to notify the school and professors of our breaking up and the situation. I also informed my employer, my friends, and our mutual friends. I changed my class and work schedules and my driving routes because he would show up before or after class or work to talk to me, or I would see his car follow me."
"He would show up at random places where I would go out with friends and try to separate me from my friends. He'd even show up at parties my friends had that he wasn't invited to. I started to carry illegal (at the time) pepper spray. I had gone to the police, but because he didn't specifically hurt or threaten me, they couldn't do anything.
Nine months after the breakup, he keyed my car down on both sides. Again, the cops were called, but because there was no witness who saw him specifically do it, nothing happened. I sold that car and bought a different car. I changed jobs. I dropped out of college; security on campus couldn't do anything because there was no court or police order.
Fourteen months after the breakup, he started trying to 'guilt trip' my friends, telling them how desperate/suicidal he was over our breakup, how many times he had been in the psych ward due to depression, etc. He was trying to get them to convince me to take him back. It didn't work.
Two years after the breakup, he again keyed my car. I had gone out with friends to a bar to celebrate a birthday. He was there. He tried harassing us, and security threw him out. Again, the cops were called, and again, because of a lack of witnesses, nothing happened. Two weeks after that, I found out my new CV boots had been cut on the car. The design of the car kept him from cutting the break-lines. But this time, when I went to the cops, though there were no witnesses and no 'evidence' per se, the officer did talk with him and his family. The stalking seemed to stop; his family sent him three hours away for college."
—Lara, Quora
12."I filed a restraining order against my husband while divorcing him. I knew he'd stalk me. I remember lying down on the floor with my son after the locks were changed because we lived on the second floor, but the lights were on, so he thought I was home, avoiding him. My car was outside, so I was hoping he'd think we left with one of the other neighbors, which I did sometimes."
"That restraining order didn't stop him. He kept showing up. He had his Mom calling me, which is a third-party contact and not allowed. He banged on neighbors' doors, looking for me and asking them questions, etc.
I didn't want to have him arrested, though; I just wanted time to pass so he could accept the reality of what was happening and keep a clean record and his career. Eventually, it did. So it was just a rough time for a while."
—Christe M., Quora
13."I dated this guy for eight years. When we broke up, he started stalking me. Several times on my lunch break at work, I caught him driving through the parking lot. Another day I was outside at my house, when he drove by in another woman's car yelling profanity at me. I moved in with my parents for two weeks just to get away from him. My dad even caught him coming in their backdoor trying to steal my dog."
"He would take my mail. If I received any packages, he would steal them. He would show up at my friend's house asking to speak with me. He broke the window out of my car and my house when I refused to talk to him.
The final straw? He was sleeping in his car in my driveway. I had to cover all my windows with thick curtains so he wouldn't look in my windows. I had a window close to my bed, and one night, he threatened me through the window. He told me he was going to burn my house down with me in it. The police put a no-contact order on him the night he broke out my car window. The minute he was released from jail, he came straight to my house. The police were waiting on him and arrested him for breaking the no contact conditions."
—Buddy, Quora
14."I live on a rural property, and he would sit behind a big tree not far from the house and watch the comings and goings. He also would watch me through the windows. One day, when I was out, he poisoned my garden plants and filled my lawnmower with weed killer. He tried to have me evicted by contacting my landlord and telling him that I wouldn't be able to maintain the place or pay rent on time. He even got into the house and planted a listening device, which I later found, and police removed."
"There were more incidents, all designed to sabotage me in one way or another. What really pisses me off, though, is that, apart from intervention orders, he got away with it all because none of it could ever be proven. It's been several years now, but I still see his car in my area."
—Renee J., Quora
15."I got married, and my ex started stalking me. He always seemed to know where I was and would make sure I saw him. He would pile up beer cans on the back of my vehicle parked outside my apartment. He would leave notes for me taped to my sideview mirror. He followed me to church and left notes on my car. I was afraid to go anywhere as these were not friendly encounters but thinly veiled violent threats. There was an order of protection, but the police never did anything. The last time, he left a note for my husband."
"My husband was fed up by then and decided to bypass reporting it to the police and had me take the note directly to the judge. I dropped the note off at the judge's office, and then the next day, my ex was arrested and spent 30 days in jail for violating the protection order.
Stalking is frightening. To the person being stalked, it is sheer terror. I never knew if he was going to rape me, kidnap me, or kill me. I jumped at the chance to move far away when my husband said he wanted to move. But I learned personal safety strategies — my car is always locked. My house is always locked. My husband taught me to shoot. If someone is stalking you, please take it seriously and make sure the people around you take it seriously. Your safety should come first.
—Catherine M., Quora
16."When I was out of town during my first year of college, my ex-boyfriend would phone my dorm room and hang up. At other times, he would have one of his friends call and say, 'I can see you right now,' as if he was across the court from my building. I didn't even consider it might be him. This happened before the use of caller ID. Needless to say, my roommates and I would immediately draw the drapes. At 20 years old, I was scared to death. After this happened a half dozen times, I realized it was my ex. My brassy roommate answered the phone the next time he called and put him in his place. The harassment stopped, and I was relieved this guy was my ex."
—Janet S., Quora
17.And finally, we'll end with some advice if you are being stalked by an ex: "I ended up moving about every six months with my dog and two kids. Schools had to be aware of the dire situation. Childcare was crucial in keeping my three-year-old safe. My work was a nightmare as we both worked at the same state agency, so eventually, I quit and left the state. No one and I mean no one (parents, siblings), knew our actual address, as I could not afford a slip, so I had one of those address forwarding boxes. I never put utilities in my name. I was always very honest with my landlords about my situation and keeping my children safe; my landlords were understanding."
"Most importantly, think things through. If you move and leave the state, you can not file for unemployment because they will find out. Leave no traces behind. Schools red-flagged my oldest child's records, so no information was randomly given. My childcare provider did the same. Before cell phones, unlisted numbers were usually in the landlord's name. I paid all my utilities via my landlords, so there was no trace.
I hope some of these ideas are helpful."
Have you ever had an ex — or someone you thought was a friend — stalk you? Let us know in the comments or via this anonymous form, and you could be featured in an upcoming BuzzFeed Community post.
Submissions have been edited for length/clarity.
